A new chapter

[jbnati]

Hang in there, man. You're doing great. I keep praying for you.

I did look at a 46" Toshiba for about $100 more; that's the maximum size limit for the room. But I really don't see where an additional 6" of screen is worth $100. I'm not a big TV watcher to begin with. Decisions, decisions...and regarding Penn State, I didn't even go there; I spent 2 years at Syracuse. But around here everybody bleeds blue & white, so I jumped on the Nittany Lion bandwagon. I just like to watch a good game; doesn't matter if it's baseball, football, college or pro.

I went with 46" myself. I replaced a old-school 25" TV that I moved to the bedroom to replace the 19" my W took. I'm not a big TV watcher either - with all of this GAL'ing I don't have time anyway. But I also enjoy a good game, too. I never jumped on the Ohio State bandwagon myself. To me that's Columbus's team. I follow Cincy, UGA (my Dad was from GA), South Carolina (my Dad lived in Columbia for ahwile), and UNC.

[Telemark]

Journaling...

Went out for dinner w/ S tonight. Only 3 more weeks until he reports for basic training at Lackland AFB in San Antonio. After that it's air crew training, then he will enter the Defense Language Institute at the Presidio in Monterey, CA where he will study Arabic and Japanese languages.

I'm so proud of him, but I'm sure going to miss him when he leaves.

Came home and S vacuumed the whole house while I started to rearrange the furniture. Also gathered up a lot of W's things only because I really want her to just get in and get out this weekend.

I feel myself dropping the rope. I'm not really trying, either. Tonight I am about 99% sure we are done. Maybe it's because I don't feel real sad about her moving out. Tomorrow may be a different story but right now, not so much. And I think she's happy to be out, also.

Really...why do I want to try to salvage or rebuild a marriage with someone who clearly does not want to be with me?

I don't want to file, but I don't want to go on like this for months and months.

I will set a mental "deadline", I suppose. After 'X' months I'll see if this M has a pulse. If it does, I can decide how to work with it. If not, I will decide it's time to move on.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Tonight, anyway...

[jbnati]

Heck, I'm proud of your son, too, and I've never met him. That speaks volume to what kind of father you are. No doubt you will miss him.

I think right now you're probably relieved to have your W move out - the drama is no longer in your face and you fell like you can breathe again. For me at least, the sadness comes and goes. Sometimes I actually look forward to coming home to an empty house.

Really...why do I want to try to salvage or rebuild a marriage with someone who clearly does not want to be with me?

I would speculate that it's because you are not seeing your real W right now.

Sounds like you have a good game plan moving forward. Keep on it.

[Telemark]

"Heck, I'm proud of your son, too, and I've never met him."



Thanks, jb.

I think the sadness will come and go with me, also. At least I'm kind of prepared for it; I know the only thing I can do to beat it is to GAL like a madman.

Or even better, like a jbnati.

[jbnati]

I know the only thing I can do to beat it is to GAL like a madman.

Or even better, like a jbnati.

ROFL You crack me up, Telemark! All of the GAL'ing is a HUGE 180 for me, and it one the best ones of done for myself. Yes, please do GAL! Go crazy!

[ncl]

You should be very proud of your son! You know what they say, "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." I know you will miss him when he's gone. It sounds like he has a lot of excitement in store. I'm glad you two are getting to spend some time together.

I completely understand the feelings you are having of wanting to drop the rope; it was just a few days ago I posted that I was ready to be a runaway-as-fast-as-I-can wife. The sadness, anger, disinterest, etc certainly comes and goes. But you are on the right track of thinking with wanting to do a little GAL'ing. You are focusing on YOU. Just take one day at a time and keep your heart and mind open. You're doing a great job so far. Just remember...it's a marathon, not a sprint.

Hang in there, and go GAL like a jbnati tomorrow!

[Telemark]

Son had to cut his visit short so he's going back home today; tonight will be the 1st night in the house by myself. I think I'm OK with that but who knows how I'll feel later this evening? Probably stay at the gym longer than usual; haven't been there in over a week anyway so it will feel good to abuse my muscles again.

And my wonderful daughter is going out to dinner with me tomorrow night. She is a senior at Millersville, working FT and going to school FT. Will graduate next spring with her degree in education and a minor in English.

Before she left, W and I talked a lot about past history, our present situation and how we got to where we currently are. We agreed to not be so "dark" in our communications w/ each other. She seemed very warm and affectionate.

I think that was all smoke. W is back to no communication at all unless I contact her (about getting the rest of her things out, financial arrangements, etc.), and then she gives 1 or 2 word responses. Cold and distant. I should not be surprised or even concerned, I suppose. She is where she has wanted to be for a long time and I need to not think about it.

On the positive side, I get to move my music studio from the basement where I was sharing it with the spiders, and into one of the bedrooms on the first floor (it's a 4 bedroom house so I'll have space for my studio/office and the manly media room).

Still, it all seems like some strange dream.

[jbnati]

Telemark - hang in there tonight. I think you'll still be feeling the relief of not being in the pressure cooker anymore.

Too bad your S had to cut his visit short, but it's great to hear you will be doing dinner with your D.

Before she left, W and I talked a lot about past history, our present situation and how we got to where we currently are. We agreed to not be so "dark" in our communications w/ each other. She seemed very warm and affectionate.

I think that was all smoke. W is back to no communication at all unless I contact her (about getting the rest of her things out, financial arrangements, etc.), and then she gives 1 or 2 word responses. Cold and distant. I should not be surprised or even concerned, I suppose. She is where she has wanted to be for a long time and I need to not think about it.

Ah yes, the quintessential WAW. Draw you in and pull back. Over and over again. She thinks she's living the dream right now. Only time will tell how this plays out, and you gotta give it time. Work on being the best possible Telemark. Make that your mission.

On the positive side, I get to move my music studio from the basement where I was sharing it with the spiders, and into one of the bedrooms on the first floor (it's a 4 bedroom house so I'll have space for my studio/office and the manly media room).

This is awesome! This is a good way to GAL.

[paige40]

You are doing a great job Telemark! Keep up the good work!

[Telemark]

Thanks, jb & paige40.

Paige40, you wrote this in your thread:

"At this point I am not sure I want to continue DBing. It doesn't seem to be working for me and I am not sure I want to be with H anymore no matter what if he changed his mind or not."

My feelings exactly. I know I've received lots of good advice to be patient, stay the course, etc. but inside I just feel empty. No love, no anger, very little sadness; if my W came to the house tonight begging for another chance I don't know what I would say. Maybe I'd say, "OK but there are a lot of things that have to change."

And even then, how long would that last before we fell back into the old destructive ways?

We want to be with someone who loves us for who we are (not who they want us to be), is crazy about us and will miss us when we are not there. Anything less is unacceptable, IMHO.