This is my first post, but I feel like things have gone significantly downhill over the past few weeks so I'm hoping someone might have some insights. Just a bit of background, have been married for 4 years, have not had any financial issues, but we have both been working full-time and school part-time for the last year and a half and that has put some serious strain on the relationship. My wife told me she wants a D about 3 weeks ago because of hurtful things I've said in the distant past that she can't seem to get over.
Basically, I can't say I have been using the DB techniques very effectively because I've tried to convince her that this was not a good idea. Also, I think she's told her parents basically everything I've said to her in the past, and they are not happy, so are trying to help her move this process along as quick as possible.
The problem I've had with using the DB technique is this, as long as you say you accept it and you support the decision, how do I make this credible as I'm taking no actions to move this forward (because secretly I don't want this to happen). I sent her an e-mail yesterday basically saying that my words and frustrations are only symptoms of issues that we need to resolve.
Here is her response: I’ve read through your email multiple times. I appreciate you recognizing that neither of us has been happy in the relationship for at least a year now. Whether it’s the lack affection in the home, the lack of respect, the lack of appreciation, the short fuses, etc, it’s really had a severe impact on our relationship. I’m also glad that you recognize that it’s not just about the swearing during anger fits or the language you’ve used toward me after a few too many drinks. It’s about the feelings/attitudes/behaviors that have happened over the last year (which were also present in the past 2-3 years,but never changed).
I know we can’t change the past, but I also know how I’m feeling right now. While I respect your commitment to trying to make this work (as you believe that this is all fix-able), I also know how I’m feeling inside. I believe the basic elements of a relationship have been broken and I’m not willing to take any more time to see if it’s even possible to fix. I’m sorry if you feel this is unfair. I know you think this is cliché, but I truly want what is best for you too and I just can’t give you the love that you deserve. As much as I want to be happy, I want you to be happy too and it’s not fair to you to be with me either. I also believe it’s unfair how our relationship has been and how it’s affected me. My future is unknown, but I know I do not want to ever feel the way I’m feeling right now or the way I’ve felt when you’ve hurt me as certain things are unacceptable for me from my own spouse, regardless of the situation. For that, I’m comfortable with my decision to move on and make a better life for myself (hopefully!).
I’m not going to fight about the condo and have already decided to move out (not that you care, but my parents are okay with this too). I respect that your parents put money towards our place and I don’t want any of it. I just want to be fair at this point. If you can please calculate the equity, excluding your parents initial investment, and split into two, I think that is fair. I will also return all of the jewelry your family gave me (have to get some out of the safety deposit box too).
If you still want to talk to an attorney, that is fine, but I think we can work this out as the only area of question is really the condo and I’m letting you calculate that excluding parents investment, etc, so in the best interest of both of us, I don’t think we need to spend any add’l money on another lawyer with such a “simple” case.
I wish you wouldn’t fight this anymore. As I said, I respect what you’re trying to do, but I know how I’m feeling and what I want. We both deserve happiness and I don’t know if you believe me, but I do feel that we can be friends in the end if we can figure this out in a respectable/fair manner.
Hope your day is going well.
Is there any hope in this situation? Just four months ago, we were on vacation in Mexico enjoying ourselves, and now she is talking to friends and family (specifically her friends that do not know me to confirm that this is the right decision). Is there any way to turn this around? She is on a business trip this week and after she sent the above e-mail yesterday, I didn't respond and don't plan on responding to her until she gets back tomorrow. I'm trying my best to do this 180 even though I'm not very hopeful this will work out. I just think she's getting very bad advice from her parents to move this along as soon as possible and she feels pressured to do so. Also, she is 29 and I am 31 and no kids, but I think she wants them soon and I think that is what started this whole mess (her thinking too much about if I'm the right person for that).
Any insights or suggestions would be very much appreciated!
