It's not that I'm "giving to get"...I'm not a scorekeeper. But if the "balance of giving" flows too much in one direction, eventually the giver starts to feel empty.
H50 W44 M 4 D 29 D 28 D 26 S 22 S 20 D 17 S 15 S 5 D 3 1st Bomb 4/2009 Separated 2/2009 4 months 2nd Bomb 6/11 Separated 7/11 to ???
See, I do know me. And I get joy from lovingly serving people. I enjoy giving things away. I live a simple life myself, but share all that I have with my family. The REAL Tina WANTS to share everything with her husband! But I feel exploited when I get nothing but disrespect in return. When he treats me like I don't exist, that my needs don't matter at all. I want him to try to meet my needs so I can feel good about giving him everything I can to make his life wonderful! But it doesn't work somehow.
See - I call "major justification" here ... and I have some experience. Get thee to an IC.
The REAL Tina may be a generous spirit, infused with the with the spirit of giving. Does Tina think that "giving" is what makes her loveable?
In an earlier post you said ....
Quote:
He does know I hold all the cards...he adores his kids, and likes having a comfortable lifestyle he could never afford. He also knows deep down I am perfectly capable of functioning without him. When I am not being emotional, I know that, too.
What worries me about this is that all the reasons for his staying (in your opinion) are about things other than you.
Tina - you are loveable just as you are. I understand the joy that can be had in sharing what you have, but I know even more joy is available in being loved for who you are, rather than what you can give. You are are on a journey to learn that too.
(((hugs)))
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Sorry for getting emotional guys, but that hurt. I'm not perfect, but to say it is my fault he cheated is just wrong. He owns that.
The last thing I would want to do is add more hurt to your pain. And, asking if you thought you were a perfectionist was not a slam or put-down at all. A perfectionist is not a perfect person nor do they see themselves as being perfect. I was trying to get a better picture of what you were like.
I was not giving a 2x4 and I was not telling you anywhere in my post to not tell your H "no".
Tina, I'm on your side. I don't know why you or Starsky would think I was telling you not to continue to support your family. Sorry, if I gave that impression.
You asked what I would do. Actually, I was in the same boat as you, at one time. Our salary was much lower, but it was still the H not working and just sitting around. I was scared we would lose our home. We almost did.
I had lost respect for my H due to him not taking care of his family responsibilities. It was very hard to start showing him any kind of respect again. I was just like you....I was very angry. So, in many ways, I understand you.
I took care of my bills (our children are grown and not living in the home) and I had to allow him to face whatever happened as a result of him not getting a salary. (He is self-employed). It was very scary times.
One of the hardest things for me was not to be on his back about going to work and reminding him of all the bills due.
If I were in your shoes, I think I would take care of my kids and whatever our needs were (home, clothes, ete.) but I would not give H any money. That may sound cold, but that would be my starting point. Don't let him live off of you. Don't pay for any "toys" he might want or anything he asks for himself.
Anyway, I'll bow out and let the others help you. I wish you all the happiness possible.
(hugs) Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I've never felt unconditional love, even as a very small child. I have always been expected to "perform" to win approval, even through my two marriages (which have been most of my adult life). The closest I have felt is the love I receive FROM my small children. But they require a lot of attention to keep them happy, too.
To be honest, I don't really think I am very lovable. I have been a dork my whole life. I was the genius kid that skipped 2 grades and people laughed at. My Dad was a generally loving father who would suddenly whip me until I had bruises and welts if I failed to do what I was supposed to do (99% of the time because I actually forgot!). So I kept my nose in my books and got my "love" by getting straight A's. I always wanted to be lovable, but I just can't seem to get it right.
H50 W44 M 4 D 29 D 28 D 26 S 22 S 20 D 17 S 15 S 5 D 3 1st Bomb 4/2009 Separated 2/2009 4 months 2nd Bomb 6/11 Separated 7/11 to ???
Sorry for getting emotional guys, but that hurt. I'm not perfect, but to say it is my fault he cheated is just wrong. He owns that.
The last thing I would want to do is add more hurt to your pain. And, asking if you thought you were a perfectionist was not a slam or put-down at all. A perfectionist is not a perfect person nor do they see themselves as being perfect. I was trying to get a better picture of what you were like.
I was not giving a 2x4 and I was not telling you anywhere in my post to not tell your H "no".
Tina, I'm on your side. I don't know why you or Starsky would think I was telling you not to continue to support your family. Sorry, if I gave that impression.
You asked what I would do. Actually, I was in the same boat as you, at one time. Our salary was much lower, but it was still the H not working and just sitting around. I was scared we would lose our home. We almost did.
I had lost respect for my H due to him not taking care of his family responsibilities. It was very hard to start showing him any kind of respect again. I was just like you....I was very angry. So, in many ways, I understand you.
I took care of my bills (our children are grown and not living in the home) and I had to allow him to face whatever happened as a result of him not getting a salary. (He is self-employed). It was very scary times.
One of the hardest things for me was not to be on his back about going to work and reminding him of all the bills due.
If I were in your shoes, I think I would take care of my kids and whatever our needs were (home, clothes, ete.) but I would not give H any money. That may sound cold, but that would be my starting point. Don't let him live off of you. Don't pay for any "toys" he might want or anything he asks for himself.
Anyway, I'll bow out and let the others help you. I wish you all the happiness possible.
(hugs) Sandi
Don't bow out Sandi. You guys are the only people I can talk to about this. I am sorry I misunderstood.
H50 W44 M 4 D 29 D 28 D 26 S 22 S 20 D 17 S 15 S 5 D 3 1st Bomb 4/2009 Separated 2/2009 4 months 2nd Bomb 6/11 Separated 7/11 to ???
If I were in your shoes, I think I would take care of my kids and whatever our needs were (home, clothes, ete.) but I would not give H any money. That may sound cold, but that would be my starting point. Don't let him live off of you. Don't pay for any "toys" he might want or anything he asks for himself.
I think this ^^^ would be an awesome place to start, Tina.
