Wife no longer in love with me

[♪CS♪]

looks a dodgy site anyway!

Agreed!

But you know cam, if I had to guess, the fundamental basics of what he says is the same.

STOP pursuing.

Be strong.

Be happy.

Don't sulk.

Validate when appropriate.

GAL.

180's.

Improve yourself.

None of this stuff is easy. That is why I say it is work.

Why not try THIS for 4 weeks... FOR FREE. And go from there.

[cam]

[quote]looks a dodgy site anyway!

Validate when appropriate.


Everything else makes sense, but this??
Please explain your thinking here?
Thanks CS

[♪CS♪]

Validate when appropriate.


Everything else makes sense, but this??
Please explain your thinking here?
Thanks CS

Well, I am not sure what part doesn't make sense.

The "when appropriate"

Or simply Validate.

For "when appropriate"

I said this because I see people, and in myself at times, take some of the things here too far.

For example, we are told to be "up beat."

But this does not mean skipping by your S whistling zippity do-da while they are buck naked with an OP.

It needs to be natural in a normal context.

So for in this context, do not call her and start validating everything and PUSHING it on her.

Now, as far as what "Validate" means. Of course to me. Is a form of empathy. It is understanding and "feeling" in a sense where our S is coming from.

IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU NECESSARILY AGREE WITH OR CONDONE THEIR ACTIONS.

But, it means you can understand where they are coming from.

So to put the two together.

IF your W decides to tell you things about why she left. Why she was unhappy. Why she felt this or that. Validate. Understand. Empathize with her.

Just listen. Understand where she is coming from.

Now, one rub. This does NOT mean you let her personally attack you. It does NOT mean being a "doormat."

There are some fuzzy lines to this stuff.

But I believe, finding some true peace for yourself, will make it much clearer.

[cam]

Thanks, that makes sense.
I guess I just find it hard to 'validate when appropriate' when there is no or little contact with my W.
I don't expect to hear from her again now for a while.

I replied to her email today about us moving on and just said
"Ok. Have a nice day :)"
I will leave it at that for now. She's done.

[♪CS♪]

If the opportunity does not arise. So be it. (it will, but maybe not on YOUR timeline)

Don't FORCE it. It needs to be real.

You have plenty of other things to work on in the meantime

[cam]

Rough night last night. Still trying to come to the realisation that this is over (in her mind), or at least over for now (in my mind). But I think she has gone past the point of no return.
I haven't slept properly in weeks, so tonight I'm going to learn meditation to relax me - very new for me as I am usually so sceptical about all that sort of stuff! Will probably take all my power not to laugh in the class when they start teaching!

I'm still not sure of what to do with all my W's stuff in our house. I feel like she is using me for 'free storage', given she is not paying the mortgage. I don't know if I tell her to come get everything and cause her some problems, as she has got her whole life here and nowhere to store it, or I continue being the trampled on nice guy letting her take the easy route. I imagine it will be very emotional for both of us when she does clear everything.
This whole process for her has been so easy - she doesn't pay rent where she lives, she has all her stuff at our home - she is not living in reality as a single person who has responsibilities.
Do I get firm, or just leave it and continue my disappearance into 'darkness'???

[cam]

OK so maybe I will hold off on telling her to come get her stuff. Am thinking its probably just an excuse to talk to her - which will never end good.
Will stick to my 'darkness' and moving on with my life without her.
Here goes!

[Truegritter]

I haven't slept properly in weeks

Let me guess you wake up at 4:32a.m. every morning?

Man you are in the spinning stage.

Just recognize it.

As far as anything you would force on your W:

Come get her stuff?

Would you make your friend do that?

I know she is your W and she has hurt you BUT

If you can't stand her a courtesy you would extend a friend?

Well

She will see it as such.

Is that who you want to be?

I don't care about expectations. Be the bigger man.

Pick your battles. Make sure they speak about who you are.

[cam]

Close - usually 4.50am.....and then stay awake until I have to get up for work at 6.30am. Seriously cannot remember the last time I slept all night, even with sleeping pills.....probably would have been late April when she was staying over at our house 2 or 3 nights a week. I've been 'spinning' for 3 months now!

Thanks, they are good points re the friend positioning.
It is just hard having all her stuff in the house, as it kind of gives me this false hope that she is going to come back one day as its easy.

[~ kd ~]

hmmm....

my W still has some of my stuff at her place...

I'm pretty sure SHE isn't getting any false hopes...