My feelings are changing...sitch isn't

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Antonia. I do need the 2x4s so bring them on. I guess it is just so hard because a lot of the stuff preached on this board seems counter-productive.

Didn't we all talk about facebook weeks ago? You said you'd think about defriending/blocking. Have you done that? It's like you're saying "here I am, hurt me some more" by being there, by answering all these texts, by seeing her on facebook, and whatever else.

We did. I haven't done it yet simply because of something that MHL said that keeps sticking in my mind. He said that it could "send the wrong message."

She sent a couple of more daggers this evening in the form of texts. She was simply asking if she could have certain things back. It shouldn't hurt me but it does. It seems like everything that she takes is one step closer to finality.

She then sent another text asking if I would make copies of all of our home videos. Why? If she was that miserable and unhappy, why in the world would she want videos of us? Seems that she would want to foget that part of her life.

I find myself looking at other couples and becoming a little jealous. I also find myself wondering which one of them is going to snap and turn the other's world upside down.

I also find it odd that she would want to be friends with me because I am such a horrible person in her eyes....

I guess I just need to quit wondering at all.....

Tad

[seeking answers]

Tad,

What you need to accept right now is that your W is nuttier than squirrel sh!t. She is all over the place. What she says, does, thinks doesn't make sense to you. It doesn't because you're not in MLC or whatever she's going through.

Detach Tad! Put your armor on and make the choice to STOP letting this crazy sitch get to you. You can not figure her out, STOP trying. She is not the person you married at this time. That person would not have done these things. LET THIS PERSON GO!

Do not be afraid that if you detach that you will stop loving her. You still can love her from a distance. You can still love the person that she was, you are allowed to not like the person that she is right now.

Friends? This is just my opinion on this. Personally, I wouldn't have a friend that kept repeatedly hurting me. Until her venom spewing stops or at least slows down I would make sure I'm not around for her to feed off of.

She keeps using you as fuel Tad. Justification fuel and you stick around and let her. STOP letting her. Be gone, be busy, be working on you. She has to figure herself out. The more time you let her energize herself on you is the less time she has to spend with herself. Cut the fuel line.

Because of your need to keep getting your W fix, the more you're delaying any chance she has to start looking within. She's using you Tad, STOP letting her. It seems from your posts that your W only can go so long without feeding her anger. What if what you're doing is keeping her from having to face herself?

STOP reading into, analyzing everything she says and does. At this point none of it means anything. You keep letting these things wound you. All it is is the ramblings of a person that you don't recognize. Will the person she was, return? Maybe, not for a long time, though.

Tad, you're obviously an intelligent man. Spend your time on you and your kids. Work on you. Figure out why you are so co-dependent that you keep letting you W do these things to you over and over.

I know you keep looking for change in your wife. She won't change until you do.

Dig deep, Tad. Figure yourself out. You get to take this journey sanely. That is a blessing in itself.

Make the choice to be proactive instead of reactive. You can do this Tad.

[AntoniaB]

Yep, stop wondering. Simple as that (I know it's not simple but that's the solution).

I also have jealousy about other couples and yet think they're all doomed to fail. I would not be a good wedding guest for anyone right now--so I'm glad no one I know is getting married :-)

I think the jealousy and being jaded is very normal. To some extent, though, we get jealous because we can't deal with being alone. The longer you're single/detached, the less jealous of others you'll be and the more you may actually not want a relationship and you'll see that even if a part of you wants one, you're not ready for it.

The philosophy being MWD's books and this board is counter-INTUITIVE, yes, but not counter-productive. From what I've read on here, it looks like most people with a spouse having issues other than MLC have a good chance that the divorce busting techniques work--but most with a spouse in MLC, well, we're in that tiny percent where the marriage can't be saved. HOWEVER, the techniques end up saving OUR sanity, so we lose one thing but gain another. Further down the road, years later, the techniques seem to work for some people to have a new relationship or marriage with the MLC partner--but that depends a lot on whether they ever come out of MLC, and many do not.

It's not in our control, Tad, at all.

Here maybe this will help: when I was in the worst of this mess, I kept saying that this was the worst thing that could ever happen in my life. Nothing could top it. Guess what? I can think of a lot of things that would: a terminal illness, my house burning down and me losing everything including my beloved pets, a terrible tragedy for someone in my family. There is a LOT that could be worse. I'm just grateful that I got through "my worst" intact.

You have to start trying to think of the plusses in your life. You need perspective. And as long as she's spewing at you, she's distracting you from that.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Seeking and Antonia.

Seeking, this is classic. I laughed my a$$ off:

What you need to accept right now is that your W is nuttier than squirrel sh!t.

Do not be afraid that if you detach that you will stop loving her.

I've actaully been afraid of this.

It seems from your posts that your W only can go so long without feeding her anger.

This is very true. She's at it again today too. I'll explain below.

STOP reading into, analyzing everything she says and does. At this point none of it means anything. You keep letting these things wound you. All it is is the ramblings of a person that you don't recognize.

I'm trying, but it is just so hard when she is so damn sure of herself.

The longer you're single/detached, the less jealous of others you'll be and the more you may actually not want a relationship and you'll see that even if a part of you wants one, you're not ready for it.

Honestly, as hard as this has been, I sometimes enjoy the fact that I can be me and answer to nobody but my kids and God.

* TODAY'S SPEWING BROUGHT TO YOU BE A WIFE IN MLC *

She's at it again. S18 sent her a text and said that he didn't want to go to dinner with her this Sunday. All hell broke loose. Guess who got the angry text messages? Yep. Me. She told me before that OM had nothing to do with this. Well, today in one of her venom spewing texts, she even quoted him from an email that she knows I have seen. Why? I'm guessing to just hurt me. That is all she wants to do these days. So angry.....

I do have a question:

Is it normal for a person in MLC to only see negatives? All she sees about me is negative and nothing positive. Yet, I'm the one that gets accused of being a negative person.

I had a good conversation with S18 last night and he gave me a great compliment: "you've done everything that a good person could do."

Also, I remembered a few things that W said over the weekend. She was telling me that she has frequent stomach aches, headaches and that she hasn't slept well for weeks. I asked her why and she said it was stress.

She also said that she thinks about "our situation" every moment of everyday.

Doesn't sound like someone who is happy does it?

Tad

[beatrice]

Tad, sometimes you ask questions that make me wonder if you ever read anything that is posted to you.

"Is it normal for a MLC person to only see negative" is a case in point. As regards their former life, yes, all negative all of the time. As regards their future life only positive. Nuttier than squirrel sh*t.

Does it matter to YOU whether she is happy or not? Sure it hurts that they are happy when we are not. But that isn't the point, is it.

I would read other posts sometimes, if you don't. You would see other people going through, or having gone through all that you are doing. You would see how they coped, that they did cope, and understand more about the whole darned process, since you are someone who wants to understand as much as they can.

I found understanding useful, but ultimately it doesn't change the situation. For me it hurt a little less knowing it wasn't personal.

At present you will get the blame for what your kids do. Would you rather she was doing it to them. When it shifts to your kids it can get really ugly. My youngest got an abusive phone call from his father on his 21st which continued until my son unplugged the phone. . . . . They aren't happy and blame everyone and everything from their past for this. I wish my xh was happy - it would be a positive outcome for all the devastation he caused. We are all OK [the kids and me] although it took a long time.

I would not have my h back in my life as more than a casual friend [if that were possible], six years on. He is still too crazy and destructive.

Some MLCers do reconcile, but I agree with Antonia, DBing is good for managing the relationship we need to have to discuss children etc, and above all, good for us. It doesn't really work in changing the WAS/MLCers attitude to us.

They are the ones with problems that they are valiantly trying to push onto us and everyone else. You are still accepting this. For your own sake recognise that it is your wife who has the problems.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Beatrice.

You are right. I'm sure I have asked some of the questions over and over. Some of them I forgot the answer to, some didn't sink in, some I just don't understand.

I am trying not to make this personal, but she sure does like to make me feel like it is.

I do need to quit trying to figure things out. I know that. It is hard sometimes because she'll say something and I'll be like "now what the hell does that mean?" I guess it could mean anything or nothing.

I just have to remember it as an illness I guess and cope the best way that I can.

Tad

[dl443322]

Tad, you are stuck in a loop. And so, you just keep going round and round.

You need to get unstuck so you can move forward.

So, when your w texted you about your son, you could have either ignored her texts or let her know as son is 18, it is between the two of them.

I can see where it you think it might help you to understand. But, that's like trying to nail jello to a wall - it aint gonna happen.

No amount of obsessing over it is going to help either.

You just have to accept that she is is crisis.
There is no logincal explanation for it and it is her journey to take. Your job is to get out of the way, man.

Get your head out of her head. Stay out of the relationship between her and your children.

And who cares is she is angry, sad, happy or a freakin alien? No you, because you are living your life, right?

Live YOUR life, Tad. Live it or it will live you.

[Twink]

You are right. I'm sure I have asked some of the questions over and over. Some of them I forgot the answer to, some didn't sink in, some I just don't understand.

Tad, the questions you ask about your W do not matter, except to convince you that they do not matter. Nobody here can answer them. The questions you need to address are those about you. Go back and reread all of your thread. Read the questions posed to you. Dig deep and answer them. That will help shift your focus to where it belongs right now -- on you.

I am trying not to make this personal, but she sure does like to make me feel like it is.

You feel that it is personal because you are willing to accept that it is. That is your codependency and insecurity. If you have done your homework and read all you can about MLC, you should know that it has nothing to do with you. When you truly believe that, you will begin to really detach, and little she does or says will affect you.

Tad, please listen, absorb, and do what everyone here has been advising you all along. You are spinning and you need to stop. You can get off. You will feel so much better. It is up to you.

[tadpole1025]

Thank you Brooklyn and Twink. You guys are right and I am doing better, but sometimes I slip. Mostly, it is because I have contact with her.

Speaking of contact, our mediation is tomorrow. I'm dreading it like the plague...

Tad

[dl443322]

Um, here's a thought, don't have contact with her unless it is absolutely necessary.

Your children are grown, so it is much easier.

As for tomorrow, go in there with confidence and looking good. Be fair,
but look out for yourself and your sons. Keep to the business at hand.

You can do this, Tad.