It was so hard to do that today, and when I first shared my story on this thread, the answer I got was basically, "no wonder he cheats on you, you act like you are his mother and nobody wants a mother." When I read that, it hurt so bad. I have always given him everything he wants, because I don't want him to feel like I'm "in charge". I'm desperately trying NOT to be his mother. I did things for him because I was trying to be nice. I was trying to give him time to decide what he wanted to do with his life. He couldn't go back to his old career. He was basically a middle-aged manager without the right degrees whose position was more or less made obsolete. I wanted to give him time to find himself. I never expected it would come to this.
I want to do God's will in my life and to work through this if it is possible to save my marriage. I read Dr. Dobson's book and I do need to try some tough love. But I am not a tough love person. I am a "be nice and generous with what you have" person.
Learning to say "no" is really hard for me. Thank you for your encouragement.
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Why did I deserve a 2x4? I tried to do my best to follow the good advice YOU GUYS gave me, and I deserve a 2x4? What did I do wrong? Why did I deserve a 2x4?
Tina, Sandi is one of the very best DBers we have here, and can offer you PRICELESS and unique advice as a formerly wayward wife caught up in an EA. 2x4s are given to challenge you; if you feel the advice doesn't fit, then say so, and give us more perspective. Sandi is as fair as they come.
Don't shoot the messenger.
Starsky
Oh, no, I wasn't being sarcastic. My question was sincere. All I did was come back to my thread (which i learned we are supposed to keep all our topics on one thread) to say that I had made a baby step at boundaries today...and instead I got a 2x4 from someone for telling my husband no? I just wondered why Sandi thought I needed a 2x4 for saying I had made a step at boundaries?
That's all. I wasn't shooting Sandi at all. Just trying to understand.
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I want to do God's will in my life and to work through this if it is possible to save my marriage. I read Dr. Dobson's book and I do need to try some tough love. But I am not a tough love person. I am a "be nice and generous with what you have" person.
Learning to say "no" is really hard for me. Thank you for your encouragement.
Tina,
Our Father knows what it takes to complete us, and He usually doesn't challenge us in the areas where we're already strong. Try to view this marital crisis as an opportunity to work on THOSE THINGS THAT TINA IS NOT GOOD AT (yet), regardless of what happens to your marriage.
My sister likes to say that "God will fix you, but only after He breaks you." Allow yourself to be broken, and commit to working on those parts of your God-given personality that need building up. And ask God to HELP you do that. In my experience, He gladly will.
Tina. I didn't give you a 2 x 4, I told you what they were and how we used them on the board. Never said you deserved one, but now I am. STOP BEING SO DEFENSIVE. We are not the enemy. We are here to help you sort it out anyway we can. Sometimes the advice is tough.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Honey, you've got to work on YOU before you can work on the M. I'm not saying you've done anything wrong, but you are obviously unhappy with the state of things in your life.
Yes it confusing. Yes it hurts. As for the Mommy thing, I don't see it, but to each their own. He has taken you for granted for so long, and you have allowed it, that it has become a framework of your marriage. You are in a hideous place to be.
Get your feet on the ground, and your head on your shoulders, and then you will be in a place to start healing. ((HUGS))
That's true when you've been with someone for years and years and when you agreed to spend their life with you they treated you well, respectfully, were faithful for long periods of time (and I mean years not months). What you've got here is a newish husband who hasn't earned the privilage of your patience.
There is never any excuse however, MLC or not, for living without personal boundaries. There are many people here who live with their MLCer with strong boundaries in place. The boundaries are to protect you.
How does it feel when he doesn't come home and you know he's having a "sleep over" at a woman's house?
Tina - do you want him to be with you becasue you can offer him a financially comfortable life? Or do you want him to be with you because he loves and respects you and wants to share his life with you?
That's the question you have to ask yourself ... and that's the work you have to do. Don't sell yourself short.
Reminds me of a song .... can't buy me looove, love, can't buy me looove ....
(and Tina - believe me, I do know what you're going through. It takes one to know one, and I've been exactly where you are ... it's worht doing the work. there's a whole new well of love available to you ... but you've got to dig deep to find it, because it's buried deep inside your own heart. When you find it, you will never again tolerate anything other than the ultimate respect and love from your partner. I can promise you that)
Tina. I didn't give you a 2 x 4, I told you what they were and how we used them on the board. Never said you deserved one, but now I am. STOP BEING SO DEFENSIVE. We are not the enemy. We are here to help you sort it out anyway we can. Sometimes the advice is tough.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Honey, you've got to work on YOU before you can work on the M. I'm not saying you've done anything wrong, but you are obviously unhappy with the state of things in your life.
Yes it confusing. Yes it hurts. As for the Mommy thing, I don't see it, but to each their own. He has taken you for granted for so long, and you have allowed it, that it has become a framework of your marriage. You are in a hideous place to be.
Get your feet on the ground, and your head on your shoulders, and then you will be in a place to start healing. ((HUGS))
Thanks. I am really not as unbalanced as I sound. I didn't mean to get defensive. I just came here because I can't tell anyone else. My husband would come unglued if I did that. I have to work on myself, but that is hard to figure out, too. My biggest problem has been being too nice and generous and compliant. I have to figure out how not to give so much? I don't know how to do that.
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Thank you, Walking. I never meant to buy his love, materially or otherwise. I just always thought, if I do a little more, or try a little harder, I'll be able to earn his respect and he will treat me better. Instead it has done the opposite. I read Dobson's Tough Love today, and I have been approaching this whole thing exactly backwards.
Now how to unwind 4 years of damage that is partly of my own creation, I am clueless.
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Sorry Tina. My post was a bit confusing. It was in relation to your question about the MLC advice that seems to say, be kind and loving and don't argue with anything they want.
I know, I know!!! That's the thing. You work hard all your life, you generiously share everything you have ... and then it kind of backfires!
I liked Starskey's post about how God never sends us challenges that we don't need to learn. It's true that learning to say no, and stick up for ourselves are some of the most important things we can learn in life.
It's scary - becasue what if "they" don't like you if you don't agree with them, or give them what they are asking for? Well the thing is, once you really get to know who Tina is, and what Tina stands for you won't care what anyone things when you say no. You will know yourself well enough to trust that when you make a decision, it's because it is the decision Tina belives in.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
I know, I know!!! That's the thing. You work hard all your life, you generiously share everything you have ... and then it kind of backfires!
I liked Starskey's post about how God never sends us challenges that we don't need to learn. It's true that learning to say no, and stick up for ourselves are some of the most important things we can learn in life.
It's scary - becasue what if "they" don't like you if you don't agree with them, or give them what they are asking for? Well the thing is, once you really get to know who Tina is, and what Tina stands for you won't care what anyone things when you say no. You will know yourself well enough to trust that when you make a decision, it's because it is the decision Tina belives in.
That makes it even harder. See, I do know me. And I get joy from lovingly serving people. I enjoy giving things away. I live a simple life myself, but share all that I have with my family. The REAL Tina WANTS to share everything with her husband! But I feel exploited when I get nothing but disrespect in return. When he treats me like I don't exist, that my needs don't matter at all. I want him to try to meet my needs so I can feel good about giving him everything I can to make his life wonderful! But it doesn't work somehow.
So I have to learn to be something that is NOT me, NOT so giving, NOT so generous...to keep from having my heart broken. I am so confused.
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