I don't know if this sounds harsh or insensitive but.. No worries Country. I want truth and honesty so fire away. Never hold back on me
YOU ARE DIVORCED!Agreed which is why I don't see the contact necessary. It is not having OM, it is who it is. Someone who was there from the beginning. I am not ok with that. She knows it and I know it.
You said the picture was from June. AFTER you were divorced.
And what is it? A picture of your X with OM and other friends. You can "tell" a lot from the photo, but like I said. What does it matter? It's not an A at this point. No it is not. However if she would have moved on and left it at that I would be ok with it. Here is where I have a problem with it. The contact started in december when we were still M, in continued. She ALWAYS new what I wanted for us but yet she kept it from me and even though maybe nothing happened back then it progressed with him. Her words in April when I was there were vague on purpose to keep me around. " I don't know" "we will see" " I don't want to say never" " I will call the DB coach" " I will read the book" all signs that she wanted me to hold on. That she wanted to work things out in her mind. She ALWAYS knew if I knew about OM I was out. Still she claims nothing is going on but you know what she is calling me. I have not called her once in months but she continues to call me. She continues to initiate R talks which at this point serve no purpose. I just simple want her to know that her leverage is over and some honesty would certainly be in order. They know what they are doing country. Perhaps in the beginning they might be confused but after awhile it is all moves that are calculated. She wants OM? She can have him and he can have her although that R is over there is no reason to keep looking back. Also I am NO ONE second option and she has strung me along as a plan B and all i am saying is that plan B is gone.
The reason I say this is just because how I can envision your "calling her on it" will look. She will be upset, she will cry, she will claim nothing is gone. But enough with second guessing and game playing. She is calling for a reason. Lets get to it then AND honesty is in order.
You, her XH, is spying on her FB page and is now expecting/demanding answers about a photo he saw of his XW with friends. Spying is a tough word. I am not sure I was spying but I guess you can call it that. Anyways I was not even planning on bringing up the picture unless the issue came up. My real question is "why the contact" get to the bottom of it cause you are stopping me from healing. You want to reconcile? Then say it. You need more time? THen say it. You are scared? Then say it. Don't call me with some poor excuse to call. At some point all the little games need to stop and you have to address the issue.
What does this say? It says I know I've had enough BS for one lifetime. Maybe even two.
About you? That I still care enough to have feelings
About your life? Not a whole lot because it is her that is calling me
Your progress? YOu know country we all need to make changes when we come here but our core as humans remain the same. Sure some tweaks but in the end I think you are a good man, very good, but I think you were a good man before all this happened what I do think is that you have become more aware but you to the core are not different. I don't believe that we need to overhaul our personality just become more educated.
I TOTALLY understand that it does hurt. I understand wanting answers. But is it worth it? To YOU? FROM her? I don't like lose ends in my mind. There is a reason she is calling of that I am sure. I just want to know why? Friends? I don't want to be friends because my feelings are still real. If that is what she is looking for get a pen pal. If she comes out and says I want to reconcile then maybe we have something to talk about but NOT until she admits it and comes clean and even then it is suspect.
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
woah...
LOL it gets better
My response to the text
M: No. It didn't......how u feel is how u feel
X: Ok good
X: I take it u changed ur mind about whatever u wanted to tell me
M: no actually I haven't at all
X: OK
Like I said i will do it when I have a clear mind and I promised my bud I would take two days.
It seems like you have not yet dropped the proverbial 'rope'. Yea it can hurt. But at this point it looks like your X has moved on. You too need to be at a better place for yourself and your daughter. The world is big and i am sure it has a lot to offer you which will make this pain bearable. Over time you might look back at this time not with hurt but with forgiveness.
Move on forward 2step! (fine print: I know very easy to say but hard to do)
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Anyways I was not even planning on bringing up the picture unless the issue came up. My real question is "why the contact" get to the bottom of it cause you are stopping me from healing. You want to reconcile? Then say it. You need more time? THen say it. You are scared? Then say it. Don't call me with some poor excuse to call. At some point all the little games need to stop and you have to address the issue.
Good. This was my main concern. It sounded as if you were planning on bringing this up in your other post.
I understand where you are coming from. But this shouldn't take one of your 2 hour conversations.
I know you feel she led you on. Purposefully. But if you say you do not want contact, but then continue to engage her. You are doing the same thing. Actions not consistent with words.
This could be completed in one simple statement...
"Our incidental contact is slowing my growth and my commitment to move on with my life. If you are ever interested in reconciling our R, I am open to discussing this. Otherwise, I wish you well in your life without me."
Good luck man.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
I've been following 2Steps situation for awhile and I can't agree that it seems like his wife has moved on.
I understand why he might feel as though she continues to try to keep him on a string 'just in case'. I can also understand how frustrating that can be.
2step, I hope when you do speak to your X you are able to manage your understandable irritation and ask her as calmly as possible "What is it that you want from me at this point? Being your long distance friend isn't working for me and I'm wondering what's in it for you.". I hope things work out for you the way you want.
It seems like you have not yet dropped the proverbial 'rope'.
Actually Karma, I am not really sure what that even means at this point. I am not holding on to anything, as a matter of fact I have done well in moving on but to think that I have become indifferent to anything that is said or done I just don't feel is reasonable. At one point the contact was 50/50 then is shifted to 80/20 now it is 100/0. I am not holding on to any rope.
Originally Posted By: mykarma
But at this point it looks like your X has moved on.
I don't see it that way at all. If that were the case I would not be having this conversation with you right now. I see it quit differently.
Originally Posted By: Country_Song
But this shouldn't take one of your 2 hour conversations.
I agree country, 100%. Unless I flat out hang up on her I fear that it will though.
Originally Posted By: Country_Song
I know you feel she led you on. Purposefully. But if you say you do not want contact, but then continue to engage her. You are doing the same thing. Actions not consistent with words.
partly is my fault but I usually do not tell her or do something and back away. Everything I have said, I have done. Knowing when to do it is key. Let me be clear. I need to know the reason for the contact because if it is to maintain some sort of friendship then that will nto work for me.
Originally Posted By: Country_Song
This could be completed in one simple statement...
Reality is much different than a post. In theory you are right country, but it will not be that cut and dry......it never is
Originally Posted By: Edmond Dantes
I've been following 2Steps situation for awhile and I can't agree that it seems like his wife has moved on.
I understand why he might feel as though she continues to try to keep him on a string 'just in case'. I can also understand how frustrating that can be.
2step, I hope when you do speak to your X you are able to manage your understandable irritation and ask her as calmly as possible "What is it that you want from me at this point? Being your long distance friend isn't working for me and I'm wondering what's in it for you.". I hope things work out for you the way you want.
Exactly.
Count, you posted on Denver's thread only twice awhile back and I thought in a short but precise manner you made your point very clearly. I admired your insight and thoughtfulness.
I wanted to thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts, as you did before you nailed my thought on this.
I do hope you stop by again and I appreciate your candor.
Well it has been 10 months and who would have thought I would be here today.
I will say this much, a lot has changed and a lot has remained the same.
We shall call this one Blame….
It is the common theme we all share when we first come here looking for answers. In an attempt to show repentance and seek forgiveness we carry the heavy load and do it while our shoulders crumble under the weight.
We cry.......
We beg.......
We plead.......
We pray.........
We become so desperate that in our desperation we lose sight of the truth. We become blinded by guilt and shame.
Now I will never argue the fact that some have greater “sins” in the M than others but I believe for the most part our transgressions are all the same. It makes little difference to us because our sins become magnified and for a long time all they seem to do is grow as we wrestle with the reality that our M, life and future dreams are quickly vanishing. In the words of others and even in their grief we find solace.
It is not until we begin to heal and realize the reality that our clouded glasses are removed and we see clearly. This process takes some time yet some will remove the glasses too quickly and all they do is shift the blame from one person to the next. Instead of saying ‘it was all me’ they say ‘she/he made me do it so in reality it is all them’ IMO I don’t think this is helpful for the overall process.
It must be slow, deliberate, and exercised with a certain degree of patience and self-reflection.
Marriage is a sacred union between husband and wife, which is meant to last for a life time. However, today marriages end as quickly as they begin, and partners move on, leaving a trail of hurt and brokenness behind.
Marriages do not fail because the couple falls out of love. There is no such thing as falling out of love. If you truly love someone, you will always love them. If you are convinced that you no longer love your spouse, then my response is that you never loved them in the first place. You were probably infatuated, swept off your feet by romance, dazzled by thoughts of happiness, but never really knowing your spouse well enough to love them.
Just some of the reasons marriages fail:
1. Poor communication skills
2. Lack of commitment
3. Failure to nurture love in its various forms
4. Lack of spiritual unity or direction
5. Lack of ability to cope with the changes in life
6. Inability to deal with skeletons of the past
I believe what MWD says about our WAS rewriting history but one very important aspect that is left out is that we as LBS also rewrite our own history.
Especially when things are the most painful it’s almost impossible not to idealize our WAS. In fact, the more pain you are in, the MORE likely you are to think about how great things were. If your break up was sudden and you're still dealing with trying to accept it, or if they left you and they are ALREADY with someone else; then this just amplifies the intensity of the broken heart and the pain we are feeling.
Without you knowing it, your mind starts to rewrite history. This is why so many LBS stay hung up on a WAS that has long since moved on (myself included). This is why we will keep justifying and rationalizing to our WAS why we think we should stay together. And this is why we keep trying to get back together with our WAS even after they cheated or started dating other people or have already filed and seemed determined to see it through. It's because the pain we are in clouds our mind and elevates everything we remember about our WAS.
When dealing with the pain of what we ALL have gone through our mind distorts how things actually felt with them. The "distortion" just becomes more vivid the more heartbroken you are, and we start to think about all the things about them that were so great. So all the little things you remember about them start to take a new meaning. The history the two of you have and the connection the two of you had that you can't get anywhere else. It’s so easy to see only those things... And remember the entire relationship as if it was only that.
This is in no way intended to imply that you should NOT try and save your marriage or to not do anything you feel you must to save it, but rather to think outside of how we normally would.
Some people fall into the trap of believing that staying together is largely about having found the perfect spouse or not having difficulties. Because of these beliefs, many WAS are dismayed when they are confronted by the inevitable conflict and troubles that arise in their marriage. They conclude that they must be different than other couples who they assume don't have these types of problems and they begin to consider that their problems are an indication that they are not with the right person or that they would be happier with someone else.
The truth of the matter is not that couples who stay together have fewer problems; it is that they realize that every relationship will have these areas of incompatibility and disagreements. The key is that spouses in life-long marriages recognize that their relationship is more important than any problems they may have. In these marriages, both spouses work at getting themselves on the same side in finding solutions to their troubles or finding ways so that their troubles don't matter as much.
As LBS we often believe that they left because of what we did, said, or how we behaved and I believe in most cases our WAS believe that troubled marriages almost never get better. When our WAS start experiencing the hurt and frustration of marital difficulties, it is easy to believe that they have only two options with their marriage- get out and be happy or stay with it and be miserable.
However, I think careful consideration reveals that these are only two of the potential paths a person can take with their marriage. For many couples who work through their marital difficulties, the times of difficulty in their past help them more fully appreciate the times of goodness in the present and future. We can self-reflect till the cows come home but it does not take away from the fact that if we failed to fulfill some need in our spouse the chances were good that our own needs were not being met.
I look at a marriage of say 15 years; can you say that for 15 years the husband was not fulfilling the wife or the wife the husband? The problems began when one person faltered and stopped filling the other person’s needs. Now you can take two approaches here begin to keep score of how you are being wronged OR acknowledge the fact that your spouse is falling short and try to find the cause. It is in fact unconditional love, to love them while they do not love you, and by doing so you fulfill your own needs because I contend that your spouse will naturally begin to gravitate towards you.
These are just some of the thoughts that have been going through my head the last few weeks after the contact between my X and I increased. I could not think of a better place or group of friends to share them with than you folks.
In some small way I hope it helps some of you deal with your loss and the blame you place on yourself and make some sense of your emotions. It has helped me….
