Feeling alone and frustrated with a 180.

[aeolianchaos]

Another issue of mine is being reactive. Think of every test or task you've done where the instructions said, "Don't go back and correct yourself, just keep moving forward." On every one of those, I went back to correct myself anyway. Trying to fix what I already did, and sacrificing what is coming toward me now. I'm working on accepting my past mistakes and just looking toward the future, but when you want to be right all the time, that is quite a challenge.

It sounds like you feel like you when you made a mistake you want to go back and 'fix it.' And in the process you feel like it prevents you from dealing with what is happening in the present moment?

I think that this is pretty normal experience for a thoughtful person when they are under a lot of stress. Certainly, the risk to your M would be a stressor.

I wonder if growing up with Aspergers contributed to your feelings of needing to fix your mistakes? I hesitate to read into it or in any way insinuate you should blame it, but if its possible that there are thoughts that are pretty strongly entrenched in your mind from years and years of practicing them.. it would be interesting to identify them and see if you can't refute them in this period of reflection and thoughtfulness.

At any rate - there are some things that you can do to work on staying in the moment. Accepting that you aren't going to always be right is a good start. It's hard. I deal with it myself, everyday. Every hour probably. Sometimes every minute. But if you can start to contemplate that from a 'higher level' viewpoint, it might help to take some of that pressure away from you and free your mind up to be more flexible and see more sophisticated ways of viewing things.

A nuance to this is that it is easy to start judging yourself for when you fail to accept it. Thats just another level of trying to be right all the time. When you see it, just practice letting it go and returning to the moment you are in. Find a way to ease up and relax with yourself.

Meditation can be great for this kind of thing - there are many kinds to pursue. I would find one that is very simple.. the simpler it is, the more you will probably find yourself 'trying' to do it right. It's like a paradox. Progressive relaxation training is much like meditation, and I have benefited quite a bit from this - moreso in that my threshold for recognizing anxiety and thoughts is much lower (so I catch it sooner), while my ability to tolerate actual stressors seems to be higher. You may find similar benefits.

If you can spend some time with a notepad, try writing down your thoughts when you find yourself being reactive. It's interesting how just stopping and writing it down can help you to identify where the patterns are and give you the opportunity to slow it down and come back to the moment you're living in. In time, you may find that you can not only identify those thoughts but also refute them if that is appropriate.