Right now, things are really bumpy! One day W does something that encourages me, then the next day things look cold and dismal again. I am guessing that the relationship is fitful because:
a) I am looking at everything so closely, seeking progress, that each event looks monumental
b) Things are actually starting to change, and change causes discomfort/upheaval.
Probably a little bit of both. The problem with b) is that I am having nervous stomach. Things may be changing, but now I am scared of that unknown outcome of the change. Part of me is saying, "Oh, $%!*, what have I done." I guess it's funny about human nature...we have a tendency to desire what is familiar, even if it is miserable.
Totally botched up last night. W was mapping out her course to go visit her brother (leaving tomorrow), and was working on that for hours. As I was getting ready to go to bed, I asked her if she was almost done (don't know why, as I usually don't do that - just tell her I'm going to bed, and good night). She REALLY snapped at me, saying it wasn't my business, why don't I leave her alone, if I want to go to bed, just go, etc. Where I really messed it up was that I got defensive - not as bad as I used to i.e. losing my temper, etc. Initially I was calm, and said, "Have you known me, lately to hesitate to go to bed without you?" She kept yelling and I, while never really feeling angry, kept answering her back for several exchanges, my voice probably as loud as hers. Yesterday I was having trouble finding a "more of the same" behavior that I could "180." Now, I guess I've found it. Hope I can remember next time it happens.
My son, my oldest, was in the next room, and when he heard he walked quickly up the stairs. He is almost 17, and got pretty upset by it (he has Asperger's, too). I went up and comqforted him, reminded him not to take this on his shoulders, as this was W and my responsibility, our problem. I told him that we were having a hard time right now. I also told him it will get better.
I am determined to have it get better. I refuse to live with tension and hostility the rest of my life.
I know W wants to be happy with me - that would be her top choice - if she hasn't lost hope. I just have to focus on the interactions between us, make them more pleasant.
And to do that, I HAVE to drop the rope! I can't let her tension and irritability dictate my mood. I have to be separate from her.
Lots of work to do today. Will check back in when I can.
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
Right now, things are really bumpy! One day W does something that encourages me, then the next day things look cold and dismal again.
I know the feeling buddy. One minute my wife will say something that would seem to only have meaning/relevance if she's planning on sticking around, and the next minute she's saying something that would seem to indicate she's still planning on leaving.
I just try to remind myself that the ambiguity is, in a way, a good thing... that is, it's a whole lot better to be uncertain about what she's thinking and planning on doing than it is to know, in no uncertain terms, that she's still firm in her decision to leave and divorce.
Just keep DB'ing, 180'ing, and GAL'ing, and that way you'll know, no matter what happens, that you did the right things...that you did everything within your power to save your marriage.
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
Thanks for the encouragement. You are right - ambiguity means that things are not on a steady stable course right for the toilet! Any change causes some upheaval, but I don't want things to go the direction they have been going. Change is what I am looking for.
In the meantime - Gotta getta life! Gotta 180.
Best to you in your struggle!
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
Well, W has been away with the kids for 4 days (today is day 4), and I have actually been getting a lot done around the house. Taking care of some jobs I knew I needed to do, and some that W has lately been asking me to do. I have found it is a lot easier to get things done without the interruptions. If I get started on a project, then someone asks me to do *just one little thing for them* it can take me up to 5 minutes to get myself refocused on what I was doing. It shouldn't be that way, but it is.
So, some of the stuff I did because I know W wants it, but overall I was working all weekend because I have been kind of sick of living in a house that is a mess with all kinds of things needing repair. Hopefully, this means (the fact that I have internal motivation to do things) that I am working the kind of change that will last. Didn't think much about DBing over the weekend, I was so busy. Have to get back into the book (DR) before W comes back tomorrow night, so I can get refocused on changes I am trying to make. I got some good stuff done over the weekend, but I need to be aware of my behavior, so I won't play into any of our typical conflicts when she gets back.
Kinda lonely being at home without family, but it has been kind of easy, too, with no challenges. Maybe it has been good for me - time to re-charge my batteries.
Well, not much else to say today. Will see tomorrow evening how things work out when W is back in the picture. Break a leg!
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
I have been doing so well this weekend...on my own.
W called this morning. She was on the road to come home with the kids, and asked me to take care of a practical matter. I needed some information from my S, so she handed the cell phone over to him. We said goodbye, and W did not take the cell phone back to talk to me again.
Probably everyone reading thinks this was a fairly unremarkable exchange, right? Well, guess where my mind went! I immediately started wondering whether her not taking the call back meant that she was angry at me. She was gone for 5 days and I didn't call - was that rude? Did I miss a chance to show her some change? And I was analyzing all this stuff involuntarily (I think it's called worrying :().
So, all this morning, I have been freaking out. Was I only doing so well because W was not there for me to fret over? I feel so stupid, falling into this panic.
As I think back, W kissed me on the lips before she left (she left very early in the morning, a couple hours before I get up for work, so I was barely conscious of it). I think part of me was holding on to that, hoping it would be the start of a change. So, when she was so flat and blase on the phone with me today...I think I just read too much into everything.
And I worry about waiting for her to start showing an interest in me. What if she is waiting for me to come to her? Alright, I guess I know the answer to that one - I have been pursuing her for years, and it didn't work. I just don't want her to feel rejected and ignored. I only want her to feel she is with an independent, strong man. I don't feel like that now.
How do I greet her when she comes home - to show that she is welcome, to show that I value her presence without becoming desperate again? I think I know how not to be desperate...no, maybe I just know how to be detached, but not how to show a healthy, limited attachment. You know, to show her I care about her without being desperate that she care about me.
I am a wreck today! I'm glad you guys are here to sound off to.
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
Don't worry about it. You got yourself worked up about something unnecessarily. You also recognized it. Which of these do you think is a sign of progress?
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So, all this morning, I have been freaking out. Was I only doing so well because W was not there for me to fret over? I feel so stupid, falling into this panic.
I think what you are feeling is a normal feeling under the circumstances. It doesn't mean you ought to act on it or anything, but you can sense the tenuousness of things and perhaps
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You know, to show her I care about her without being desperate that she care about me.
Do that.
I think you have to be okay w/ the fact that right now your wife may not feel the same way that you do. This is a completely natural thing and people go through these cycles all the time. I think its largely when we suppose that because we are out of synch that something else is inherently wrong is were problems start to arise.
Once that fear kicks in, our thinking goes to our more 'reptilian' parts of the brain and we start acting in a way that really doesn't line up with our ideals of who we want to be. You are recognizing this before you see her, so you've got a good leg up on dealing with it.
Take some time and just breathe. Calm yourself down. Decide that you are going to be warm and kind to your W and children when they get home because that is how you feel about them.
Some other neat ideas for this - before they get home:
Think of times when you have been kind and understanding and polite in the past. This can help you have more self control right now.
Eat something with a little sugar in it about 10 minutes before they get home. This actually helps with self control.
Remind yourself why you want to be this way, and make a commitment to yourself that if you start to feel yourself getting anxious, you will remind yourself that you want to feel "relaxed and welcoming and warm" instead.
Don't focus on your anxieties or attach yourself to the feelings you don't really want to have in the first place.
So be warm - be kind and cheerful, but just don't pursue it or expect it to come back to you.
Psych, you are doing a really good job.
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
Dear A. Chaos (sorry, I never was very good at Greek)
I appreciate your help. One of my problems is that, while I often know what my problems are, I seldom can think, in the moment, of specific strategies to fix them. That is where what you are saying is very helpful.
Another issue of mine is being reactive. Think of every test or task you've done where the instructions said, "Don't go back and correct yourself, just keep moving forward." On every one of those, I went back to correct myself anyway. Trying to fix what I already did, and sacrificing what is coming toward me now. I'm working on accepting my past mistakes and just looking toward the future, but when you want to be right all the time, that is quite a challenge.
Anyway, thanks again. My prayers are with you, trying to recover your relationship.
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
Another issue of mine is being reactive. Think of every test or task you've done where the instructions said, "Don't go back and correct yourself, just keep moving forward." On every one of those, I went back to correct myself anyway. Trying to fix what I already did, and sacrificing what is coming toward me now. I'm working on accepting my past mistakes and just looking toward the future, but when you want to be right all the time, that is quite a challenge.
It sounds like you feel like you when you made a mistake you want to go back and 'fix it.' And in the process you feel like it prevents you from dealing with what is happening in the present moment?
I think that this is pretty normal experience for a thoughtful person when they are under a lot of stress. Certainly, the risk to your M would be a stressor.
I wonder if growing up with Aspergers contributed to your feelings of needing to fix your mistakes? I hesitate to read into it or in any way insinuate you should blame it, but if its possible that there are thoughts that are pretty strongly entrenched in your mind from years and years of practicing them.. it would be interesting to identify them and see if you can't refute them in this period of reflection and thoughtfulness.
At any rate - there are some things that you can do to work on staying in the moment. Accepting that you aren't going to always be right is a good start. It's hard. I deal with it myself, everyday. Every hour probably. Sometimes every minute. But if you can start to contemplate that from a 'higher level' viewpoint, it might help to take some of that pressure away from you and free your mind up to be more flexible and see more sophisticated ways of viewing things.
A nuance to this is that it is easy to start judging yourself for when you fail to accept it. Thats just another level of trying to be right all the time. When you see it, just practice letting it go and returning to the moment you are in. Find a way to ease up and relax with yourself.
Meditation can be great for this kind of thing - there are many kinds to pursue. I would find one that is very simple.. the simpler it is, the more you will probably find yourself 'trying' to do it right. It's like a paradox. Progressive relaxation training is much like meditation, and I have benefited quite a bit from this - moreso in that my threshold for recognizing anxiety and thoughts is much lower (so I catch it sooner), while my ability to tolerate actual stressors seems to be higher. You may find similar benefits.
If you can spend some time with a notepad, try writing down your thoughts when you find yourself being reactive. It's interesting how just stopping and writing it down can help you to identify where the patterns are and give you the opportunity to slow it down and come back to the moment you're living in. In time, you may find that you can not only identify those thoughts but also refute them if that is appropriate.
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
