Wife of 6-Years is Divorcing Me pt.IV

[alamo76]

I am sure she does know how much you have invested in her career. You just do your part.

Whatssup, Karma.

I'm not sure how she truly feels or thinks about it right this moment, but if you were to ask her, she would strongly declare that I was of no support to her during her studies, that I made her life harder than it needed to be, that she could've done it all by herself and the med school experience would probably have been better/easier.

This has been one of our pain-points in the latter years of our marriage, especially when I kept losing my jobs. My reason why I'm not an industrial engineer anymore, why I didn't pursue my Masters in Germany (like I initially intended), why I'm in a completely different field, why I'm always starting at the lower end of the career totem pole, was for the sake of her college choices. Now, I'm not blaming her for the path we took, because that's something any good spouse would do; in fact, I really enjoyed the journey.

But the fact that she downplayed my smaller, yet important role in her successes and milestones just isn't right. I think this downplaying is even more prominent nowadays. As y'all might've seen from how she's played that "card" when we handle time with our son or our dog. I could write more, but I find it really hard to articulate or put into words.

[alamo76]

It's actually on my News Feed. She hardly (has anytime to) posts, so it's not like I'm swarm with messages of her life. She blocked that part out from her side anyway, aside from her general posts and photos.

[♪CS♪]

Then take it off of your news feed?

[alamo76]

I probably won't because:

a. It 99% of the time doesn't bug me. That might change if (Lord forbid) it starts involving another male-like person.
b. She posts photos and messages about our son, which I enjoy.

However, I do see your concern, CS.

[♪CS♪]

OK

[aeolianchaos]

Now, I'm not blaming her for the path we took, because that's something any good spouse would do; in fact, I really enjoyed the journey.

But the fact that she downplayed my smaller, yet important role in her successes and milestones just isn't right.

DUDE.

I have experienced many similar feelings with my W. Not in Med., but in the arts.. always putting my aspirations on the back burner in support of hers. There were other issues at play there, but still.

I think that the problem is, as you noticed.. the W can use what we once did out of our idea of 'being a good spouse' as a justifier for why they don't want to be with us anymore. It's cr@p and while they may have legitimate complaints, they tend to rewrite history to ignore our contributions to their success - material, emotional, and otherwise.

But I guess the bigger question is - what do we want to do now? Obviously the existing SOP isn't working, so we get to choose a different course. It could be a little different or a lot, depending on what we want to be doing with ourselves.

You sound like someone with a very good education and probably were doing very well on your own before you met your W. Any of that stuff that you feel like you lost and might wish to recover?

[25yearsmlc]

Alamo,

a few things before I get to my main point.

The text wishing her good luck was fine. You would wish ANYONE in that situation the same, and besides, you DO have an investment in her success.

(You'll pay less support for one, or does she pay you? Consider this a pay raise then.)


I'd block her FB and simply ask her for copies of the photos of son that she posts so you don't have to see her page. Just a thought as far as asking her

but otherwise I think CS is spot on. She WILL date OM's at some point and I don't think you'll feel great about seeing that on fb...

As for being part of the medical career...

As you know I'm m to an MD. The AMA published an article on the topic of divorce and doctors and had some good statistics showing the

actual divorce rate was similar to other professions ONCE the degree has been obtained. IOW, if you marry a new doctor then your divorce rate is the same as someone else marrying their mate.

If you marry someone BEFORE they go to med school, your odds might be higher. Maybe they change more? IDK...if it's even true.

Back to you


First, why can't you pursue YOUR career goals now? If you can, DO SO.

For a ton of reasons, you MUST.

It's the single most important piece of GALing AND it's a 180 AND it's key to your own happiness, which decreases your neediness and the appearance of you being "less than"...her.


As for being a doctor's spouse, I hear you. I dated my h when he was in college and then married my h when he was in Veterinary school and I was in college.

While in his last year of vet school, h mentioned that he regretted not going to medical school instead, but I recall saying ON OUR WEDDING DAY,

"I'd never marry a physician, they don't have time for their families..." and I meant it.

But when h brought it up, I said "Can you finish vet school first, and then figure out if you really want more school?" He agreed and the discussion was a one time thing.

I had MY OWN LIFE & GOALS, so being lonely wasn't that big a deal yet.

I was busy enough to be alright. I began law school and h began his vet practice.

He wasn't well paid, comparatively speaking, for what he was doing. And he felt medically under used, b/c people back then would simply put their animals down rather than pay for a complicated surgery or engage in labor intensive treatments for their pets.

As I entered my last year of law school I anticipated paying Less attention to h b/c of my pending career, SO

the idea of him going to medical school (for humans :D) was less threatening and depressing.
I'd be the bread winner earning as a new L & I was excited for us/him.


But then we learned I was pregnant with our son. Major miscalculation of timing... 5 years "premature"...!!

So the military paid for his med school but obligated him to them for 7 years. And then I joined the military b/c if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

(or find a new job every time we got transferred, which would stink).

So our lives took many odd turns & twists we never planned for.

But his schooling, his internship, his residency, and the UNRELENTINGLY LONG HOURS

he worked, were very tough and hard on us...

but HE DID THAT WORK, NOT ME...

but we had an 8 week old son when H began! So it would have been impossible for him to do it, if it were not for me.

Or at least, I cannot imagine how he would.

D1 came when he was in his 3rd year (per HIS desire for another child being born close in age and my agreeing).

As hard as h worked, I can honestly say my life was tougher & imagine that even if only for ego's sake, yours must have been.

I had the children, nursed them, and worked full time, never feeling like my job ended. I am sure you felt you were always "on call" at home.

I did what housework got done (but that was the first thing I got flexible on really fast)...and all the cooking. I think you did the same.

For every night h was on call working late or all night, I was without a partner and caring for a child. Same for you.

I worked full time and had important security cases or murder cases and complicated appellate cases as well. I was active duty Army (b/c of h), and had a rigid boss.

For every accolade/medal/award or bonus that my h (and your wife) got for his high test scores, or a surgery well done or a life saved with a code,

(and it's hard to compete with THAT!)

we would get a "have a good day" from them!

When I worked, my job seemed to take second place and I allowed this...

partly b/c his work was so "immediate". KWIM?

Medical careers are also prestigious,

whereas being a L is usually the trigger for a joke.

This isn't a complaint about h. But a reality statement for spouses of doctors.

I heard a former spouse of a doctor say "doctors are the working spoiled" b/c they

undoubtedly work harder & longer than most other professions,

it takes years of a huge crappy load of work to get there, only to have great responsibility for which they are held accountable with

relentlessly long hours and many MANY missed holidays and birthdays and anniversaries, so they DO feel "entitled" to get their way on things outside their careers as well.

They feel, perhaps subconsciously, that they deserve this. After all, no one can argue that they don't work hard, do important work, or that they aren't smart...

(Oh, wait til she gets sued, b/c that's a nightmare. You can lose your house and savings for a mistake they made or that someone else made, or that NO ONE made...such an aggravation!!!)

When we were at parties, people would often ask ME what my h's specialty was...not what MY career was. In the military it was assumed I did not work, or if i did, it wasn't important work so much as a "cool hobby".


And God help the SAHM's who were married to doctors b/c they always feared losing their h's to OWs (nurses or doctors) or not keeping pace with their h's careers. Hence the need to look so good and work so hard at it.

The men who were happily married to female doctors were either other doctors or independently successful in their own careers, or they were Mr Mom's...only knew 2 of those. One was artsy and incredibly secure in who he was as a man. Always upbeat and happy for his w. They are still m.

The other h was an envious man who took out his feelings of inadequacy on his wife. He withdrew sexually, he made snide remarks of dubious humor at her expense. He eventually cheated on her. And Eventually, she left him.


Alamo, don't be envious. Though I totally know why you are. But I would NOT want my h's job.

Unless I was in trial, I could look out a window for a few seconds, grab coffee or even take a few minutes to gossip down the hall....h can rarely do this.

His work is in the O.R. and he cannot leave for a bathroom break until a qualified MD takes his place for that time. He often ate nothing all day b/c the "cases went over time".

And the time he has been sued was, thankfully, bogus. But despite getting it dismissed at the earliest time possible in our legal system, it costs us each a lost week of wages to prepare...to WIN!!

Of course part of her achievement is due to you. How could she have cared for your son without you AND gone to med school? She could not.

So, as long as you know this, can it be enough? Someday she might realize it. Probably more likely when she has to figure out childcare without you around.

But you are somehow enabling her not to face that

and I'm not sure how that works.

YOU will just keep on moving? How will you get ahead in your career?

How many moves will you do for this?

You can't do that Alamo. Not this way...

You can force your w to make some adjustments. Seriously, this is crazy of her to expect/demand of you, when SHE absconded with your son,

and still disses you.

She can delay her residency after internship and be a general practitioner

OR she can pick ONE place to do internship and residency and stay there after....it's called accommodating others. She can look intoTHAT concept.

Thoughts?

[♪CS♪]

The text wishing her good luck was fine. You would wish ANYONE in that situation the same, and besides, you DO have an investment in her success.

OK 25, you asked for it. Time to play devils advocate!

ANYONE?

Really?

Even someone who has chosen to remove you from their life?

Someone, who through their actions have said, I want to live my life without you?

Can you think of someone in your life who you know, but would not send this message?

Is it respecting their decision if you then push yourself back into their lives?

Is it the "high road?"

Like I said, I think it was "fine" as well. I can't see it helping or hurting the sitch.

But I also tend to believe, through experience, that doing so, with TRULY no expectations is tough. If it CAN be done. No harm no foul. However, if it cannot, which I believe at some level is usually the case (not saying a big deal, but something), then it is ultimately a step back for the LBS.

Because for them, even if we are just talking about a few second disappointment here, they have once again looked to their WAS, expected something back, and didn't receive it.

REALLY moving forward, may mean letting these things go.

IMVHO, just the thought of hoping they do well, is more loving, than wanting to say it with hopes of something in return.

[25yearsmlc]

okay CS,

you are correct. I should not have said I'd text "ANYONE" that message...b/c I would not, literally.

I would NOT text ANYONE...you are right.

But Alamo, I'm more worried abvout your willingness to move for your w several times, than a text wishing her well on a test that actually benefits you indirectly.

How about it?

[♪CS♪]

okay CS,

you are correct.

OK, so do I get to put a mark down somewhere? Maybe a coupon book for my accomplishment?