Youngster's WAW Chooses OM, Now She's in Love!

[25yearsmlc]

Sorry to but in but how do you show your partner you are improving your sex life when they have left. My partner left because of intimacy issues - i.e. mainly lack of sex (on average once a month). How the hell do I fix that!

I posted to you on your own thread Julz.

But there are ways to show a more sensual side to yourself if you are having any contact with him....and you do when he drops the kids off.

And finding out why the sex drive was so much lower than before will help too. (See your doctor. You're too young to let it all go. Remember the food analogy...)

[25yearsmlc]

I will readily admit that I didn't do much about the problem -- just figured it would "work itself out."

Good insight here^^^.

WE all make mistakes and you're in the club of humans who are flawed.



Sorry, there was a lot of frustration that came out of my last comment. The physical stuff with OM really upsets me and makes me feel angry. Given that men typically react to the physical stuff more, it's understandable.

I don't think it's easier for women, we're just cheated on more often. The thought of our spouses with OPs is as sickening for us...trust me. My fiancee (before h) cheated on me and I could NOT get the image out of my head for the longest time.


I tried exercising reguarly to make me feel better about myself in that area, but after a couple of weeks in, this whole thing happened.

IDK what this^^^ means.


My W also admitted that we felt like we were "going through the motions," which I will agree with. I rarely tried to spice things up or do things differently. I'm planning on reading some literature about this subject -- might as well learn as much as possible.

That's excellent!

As for "getting better," she simply worked on herself until it got to the point where her PTSD from the incident didn't upset her or make her not like sex anymore. She read a lot of sexy stories online to help herself out. When she got better,

she simply told me that I should "work on my sexuality" because it seemed like I wasn't a sexual person at all. When I asked for ideas to make it less vague, she said, "I don't know, figure it out."

Now, in retrospect, what do you think SHE meant? More initiating? More knowledge on your end? You don't have to be a mind reader.

You can sensually ASK her where she wants to be touched, etc...

(the books will give you good info here and you'll have to figure out which "methods" work best with your w, if she's not a sex talker or if she is, if she wants to show you or if she's too shy, etc).

I would urge you to keep working out. The more comfortable you are with your body's appearance, and the stronger you are, the better a sex partner you'll be.

Good work.

[westcoastfella]

Thanks for the comments, they're very helpful. As much as I want to get into the mindset that the A is not my fault (I know that it's not), there ARE things that I did or didn't do that probably made her more vulnerable to get sucked into someone else's wiles. And I do want to take this time to work on myself in general, not to get her back but to make myself a better person no matter what happens in the end.

I should have explained more in depth about the exercise: I realized that exercise would probably help me in the sex department, so I started doing it regularly for a month or so. Then my wife started the A and the big downhill slide occurred, so my exercise backslid a bit. I didn't feel motivated at the time to do it as much anymore. Now I'm getting back on the horse.

It's not like I'm bad in the sack. Our sex life was pretty good when it happened. I think that the big areas that needed work were variety, more self-confidence and less hesitating to try different stuff on my end, and perhaps being more knowledgeable about things that I could have done. I had a certain bag of "tricks" that worked well for a while, but I'm sure that she got bored that I did those same things every time. In fact, I feel like her sex life with OM is primarily fueled by the fact that it's all so different! (The "positive mirroring" that she gets from him contributes, too -- she probably feels more attractive and wanted because of his constant affirmations.)

I like the suggestion you gave Julz about seeing a doctor. I've also wondered if maybe my testerone levels are lower than they should be. I just plain old don't feel all that sexual most of the time, and I feel that maybe it might be physiological rather than psychological...

[25yearsmlc]

west,

low testosterone is an under rated event. It happens a lot and men do nothing about it b/c either their wives are okay with not having much sex

or they lose their wives

and wonder what happened or just blame the "adulterer"...


But in fact a woman needs to know she's desired.

If she doesn't feel that way b/c her h has low sex drive, IT HURTS HER...
feels like rejection.

We as women are told that men are "always in the mood" and

though that may be unfair, it's what we hear. So
when our man isn't that interested in it, IT HURTS....

and when he does inititate

he just "goes through the motions", IT HURTS....b/c it feels like it's a chore for him.

Make sense?

Keep up the exercises (in some form) and definitely see your doctor.

[westcoastfella]

Thanks for the info on the situation, 25. In many ways, this is exactly how she felt, and I felt powerless to do more about it. I wish that she knew that it had nothing to do with her, but I think that's the way she took it.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks for the info on the situation, 25. In many ways, this is exactly how she felt, and I felt powerless to do more about it. I wish that she knew that it had nothing to do with her, but I think that's the way she took it.

when my h was in his residency and working over 90 hours a week, I still felt that we "should" ML a few times a week even though I might not have been in the mood then.

But I feared that we'd grow apart. At one point I ininiated and h asked if I was "trying to kill" him...

Fortunately I laughed out loud but it did hit me at the moment, that he was really too tired to ML...and that it wasn't about ME or his desire for me.


When the times comes for Viagra, which I assume comes for every man at some point,

I will know it's Not me, it's his body. Women all need to know this.

But the thing is, some men don't bother telling their wives AND WORSE

some men do nothing about their low sex drives. That stinks.

Same goes for women entering menopause who shrug and say "well my life change came and I have no sex drive so that's it..."


TO me, that's like saying "I can't taste food anymore; it's too salty. So I'll just stop eating...AND I'll stop cooking for my h, too"

Not okay.

Good luck with the doctor's appointment--don't avoid the information!

Embrace it.

[Truegritter]

The thing is, my wife was also the victim of a sexual assault when she was a teenager, so that's the way that I had to treat her for years.

Not to throw a wrench into the already f@cked up works here BUT

This is not plain vanilla you're dealing with here West.

More vanilla with nuts on top.

This PTSD stuff is very tricky business especially with sexual assault/abuse.

Let me guess the OM is way below her?

There are lots of feelings of low esteem. Victim stance.

She feels probably unworthy etc.

One thing you have to realize is that part of this. Most of it. Probably isn't you.

Doesn't relieve you of the responsibility to look at those things that are yours.

Just want you to realize that it ain't all about you.

Is she being treated for her PTSD?

What symptoms have you noticed?

How old was she when it happened?

[westcoastfella]

She was 15 when it happened. I have no doubt that it caused her some severe problems that manifested later on -- I've witnessed some very "crazy" moments throughout the years. Symptoms included dissasociation, intense flashbacks, vaginal pain, depression, feelings of unworthiness, and a general distaste for sex. She saw a couple of therapists when she was a teen and saw one regularly my last year of college. I don't mean to paint her as some kind of wacko; usually, she's very together, and a lot of these symptoms did lessen the last year. She's given me explicit detail of her sex with OM and has explained that he's into some pretty rough stuff -- stuff we never came CLOSE to doing.

To be honest, your guess is accurate -- I think. Looks-wise, he looks almost exactly like me. However, whereas I got my degree in English and have some lofty goals when it comes to my writing, OM is a blue-collar factory worker who doesn't sound like he has many dreams in life. She explained to me (despite going about how great he is) that they really have nothing in common.

[Truegritter]

Symptoms included dissasociation, intense flashbacks, vaginal pain, depression, feelings of unworthiness, and a general distaste for sex.

How did you react to these?

I will tell you she doesn't understand this either. She feels like a circus sideshow.

You may get discouraged by hearing this

BUT she needs to decide to get help for these feelings.

You can't make her. You can't fix this with DB either IMHO.

She is still a victim. Now you are the perpetrator.

Until she decides to be a survivor and then a thriver then you are in for a rough road my friend.

Until she decides to look inside she will blame everything on who is standing around on the outside.

It might help (it did for me) to understand what you're dealing with. Have you studied sexual trauma and PTSD enough to know what you're dealing with?

I can definetly tell you from my experience it is almost like two different personalities.

The one you know and are comfortable with and the one she becomes when coping.

The anxiety you feel about which one you'll get can tear you up. It can destroy your relationship.

You must come to grips with something quick West:

You cannot control this. You cannot fix this. You didn't break her and you can't fix her.

For now you must concentrate on detachment. Taking yourself out of the drama that you have allowed yourself to be party to.

I am not knocking you here. You want to help. But many times we fall into roles of Co-dependency.

If this is a new term for you look it it up.

Then be honest with yourself as to whether it applies.

[westcoastfella]

As to her symptoms, I was always very supportive and kind when these things happened. Our sex life was pretty abysmal for years because she had no interest in sex, but I feel like most of the time, I was a trooper about it. I didn't complain or pressure her because I knew that it was hell for her to have to cope with all of this. I did let my sexual frustration be known a couple of times, but mostly, I did everything I could to help her get through her painful symptoms.

I have no doubt that she's feeling confused and alone. When the A first started, she described symptoms of confusion, disassociation, and feelings as though her mind was "breaking." My first instincts were symptoms related to her abuse history, and now those instincts are returning to me... Combining her personal history with the affair fog, I understand that it will be a rocky road that I will travel this next stretch of time. I understand that only she can come to figure out exactly what she needs... Until then, I will always be her friend. That's what I promised to do when we got married, and it's what I promised to do after she left as well.

I don't think that I'm co-dependent on her. I think that I put too much emphasis on her and our R for my happiness, which I'm working on, but I don't feel driven to be her "caretaker" or anything. I did grow up in an alcoholic household, but I think I've coped quite well with any symptoms that may have resulted. I myself am not an alcoholic, nor do I think I ever will be. I'm self-aware of what can happen when the drink is taken too far.