What's the legal status now and are you alright financially? How does h pay you?
Can you get some other men involved in your children's lives so they have some healthy role models?
Big Brothers or Girl Scouts or something after school so your d learns that not all men are wacky.
True, your h's family sounds awful. But I'd steer d away from further contact. If she wrote all those letters and you didn't "help", I'm confused why she kept bringing you and your h up as topics, and her brother (God bless her) and not just herself. She's pretty heroic for a 14 y/o but I wonder why she can't make this about HER and her dad, no one else).
Maybe, Your d can send a HAPPY pic of some good event to the BIL she still has contact with. (NOT SOON...)
Just an UPBEAT SHORT message about a dance or event or something happy
and she can KNOW that h will learn of it. Nothing about you or son in THAT MESSAGE...just good stuff about HER life.
Re: your son. All I can say is that you have to get him some help. It's a lot of rejection for him to handle, but you need to stop your focus on it. IDK if you do it there but you do it HERE...a lot. It's unfair and very unhelpful. Your continued comparisons between how you think your h treats his sons, and now how he's treating your d, and your son, is SO not helping them at all.
Why did he say he wanted out of the M in the first place? I don't recall. I read THIS thread but not the past ones.
Can you summarize in one paragraph why he said he wanted out?
What's your h's educational level? And income? And his familys?
What's the problem with your son that others would have Any opinion about your h not adopting him?
IS he disabled? Is it permanent? Will you always have him in the home? Was it stressful for your h to be a parent when they were younger?
He may not know how to be around d's. What did they do together before he left?
I would hold HIM accountable for his actions as a father. Has nothing to do with his family OR YOU
UNLESS YOU ARE MAKING IT ABOUT YOU....
Usually when a WAS leaves a m, they don't leave the kids too. Granted they leave them ALL at first, and They part ways and there is distance for some time but usually at some point a relationship resumes. There are others around that aren't, like Life's situation.
Don't prevent that. I am not saying you are but beware of how you hinder it. I fear you are so joined in your feelings of rejection with them, that
THEY feel the rejection- that MIGHT just belong to you...make sense?
Separate yourself from the kids. Tell them that h is "lost now" but don't blame others.
Tell them he wants out of the m and he MIGHT be seeing contact with them as contact with YOU....take on the burden of the rejection on your own, and don't "share" it with them if you can. I know it hurts but you can't let them get so sad for so long.
He COMES from a crazy background and may be reverting to it. People change and evolve and he can, again. The needier the kids come across, the worse it is and the harder it is for your h to reconnect. H needs to hear GOOD news from them sometime.
We don't know the reasons why BUT they have their reasons. They don't think they're crazy.
You cannot engage in defending yourself at any detailed length w/her b/c that involves her in the debate that isn't hers.
Assume for a moment,
that your h's family has a synapse misfire and thinks you are related to a purple lesbian lizard, and that they will
NEVER EVER APPROVE OF WHO THEY BELIEVE YOU TO BE....
does this matter to YOU? I submit it should not.
Let your d have an R with her dad in some form, that doesn't involve you
(b/c it does NOT involve you). It's THEIR R. All you can do is get out of their way and help her NOT feel so needy...
Have you considered moving on with your life?
What's stopping you?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
