OK, Hubby is in MLC...but do I have to PAY for it?

[Tina2111]

I get confused because everything I have read about MLC says "you can't ask him to do anything for you or to change, you just have to wait for him to work it out."

But "waiting for him to work it out" under the status quo means he gets to exploit my generosity for X years while he figures out his life.

If I am going to have boundaries, I have to say "no" to things I have always said "yes" to. Isn't that violating a cardinal rule of MLC, trying to control his changes?

[Starsky309]

No, although that's a common misconception.

"You need to do 'X' " is controlling.

"I've decided that I'll no longer pay to financially enable your affair" is a boundary.

Make sense?

Let me give you an easier example. "I forbid you to use obscenity when speaking to me" is controlling. "If you persist in using obscenity when speaking to me, then this conversation is over until you're ready to speak to me respectfully" -- and leaving the room . . . that's a BOUNDARY.


Starsky

[Tina2111]

My first experiment with boundaries today.

Earlier this year, we bought a little house as an investment. I paid for it with my bonus, and he was supposed to work on it. This was to be the beginning of a business for him that he wanted to start. I supply capital, he supplies work. A win/win.

Problem is we closed in February and he's done about 8 hours work. Needs maybe 100-150 hours to finish it.

Today he asked me if I would renew his gym membership because the doctor said he needs more exercise for his cholesterol. I also know from prior experience he will use a "trip to the gym" as a way to burn up half a day or more. They have basketball courts and hot tubs and a pool and a sauna....

I told him I would renew his gym membership after he finished working on the house and had it ready to rent. I said I am not trying to control you and I realize I can't "blackmail" you into finishing the house with a silly gym membership, but that I need him to show me he is ready to put our family priorities first and do the work he agreed to do before he starts working out again.

To my astonishment, he said he agreed. I expected a battle.

[sandi2]

From this view, he could feel more like you are his mother instead of his W. You talk to him as if he's another one of the kids, and you even give him an allowance. I would tend to believe his self-respect is pretty low at this point, maybe even depressed, IDK.

What man wants to have a mother for a W? It sounds like a recipe for an A with some hottie.

You have good reason to be resentful toward him, but I'll bet those feelings show up to him, also. It sounds as if he just shoves it to the rear and doesn't try to change anything.

Would you say you are you a perfectionist?

[Tina2111]

From this view, he could feel more like you are his mother instead of his W. You talk to him as if he's another one of the kids, and you even give him an allowance. I would tend to believe his self-respect is pretty low at this point, maybe even depressed, IDK.

What man wants to have a mother for a W? It sounds like a recipe for an A with some hottie.

You have good reason to be resentful toward him, but I'll bet those feelings show up to him, also. It sounds as if he just shoves it to the rear and doesn't try to change anything.

Would you say you are you a perfectionist?

What woman wants a child for a husband? I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS! I married a man with a JOB.

[Tina2111]

From this view, he could feel more like you are his mother instead of his W. You talk to him as if he's another one of the kids, and you even give him an allowance. I would tend to believe his self-respect is pretty low at this point, maybe even depressed, IDK.

What man wants to have a mother for a W? It sounds like a recipe for an A with some hottie.

You have good reason to be resentful toward him, but I'll bet those feelings show up to him, also. It sounds as if he just shoves it to the rear and doesn't try to change anything.

Would you say you are you a perfectionist?

I've tried being his wife, but HE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING! What would YOU suggest I do?

[Tina2111]

And I definitely am NOT a perfectionist! I suck as much or more than anybody!

[Tina2111]

Me wanting my husband to help out like a normal person makes me a PERFECTIONIST???

[Tina2111]

From this view, he could feel more like you are his mother instead of his W. You talk to him as if he's another one of the kids, and you even give him an allowance. I would tend to believe his self-respect is pretty low at this point, maybe even depressed, IDK.

What man wants to have a mother for a W? It sounds like a recipe for an A with some hottie.

You have good reason to be resentful toward him, but I'll bet those feelings show up to him, also. It sounds as if he just shoves it to the rear and doesn't try to change anything.

Would you say you are you a perfectionist?

So I guess by your view I should just let him keep walking all over me, to "prove" to him that He's THE MAN, even if he does nothing!

[Tina2111]

From this view, he could feel more like you are his mother instead of his W. You talk to him as if he's another one of the kids, and you even give him an allowance. I would tend to believe his self-respect is pretty low at this point, maybe even depressed, IDK.

What man wants to have a mother for a W? It sounds like a recipe for an A with some hottie.

You have good reason to be resentful toward him, but I'll bet those feelings show up to him, also. It sounds as if he just shoves it to the rear and doesn't try to change anything.

Would you say you are you a perfectionist?

And HOW do you know how I talk to him? Today was the FIRST time I told him no to one of his constant requests! Normally, he Rules On High! Sorry, you're not going to convince me it is my fault if he cheats on me because I'm just too nice and generous and obedient. That is HIS fault.

MY fault if I let myself be a doormat to the point I get hurt. Which I have.