WAW, and a bisexual open marriage part 4

[♪CS♪]

^^^^ Boy I hope this one sinks in.

[greenblue90]

25
I am pretty stuck on 180's right now. It's pretty frustrating. Here are some I have considered:

1. Doing the

[edited by dbmod: reference not recommended nor allowed]
"no sex challenge". Let W know that I am trying to learn self control, and that I intend to go a month without sex.

2. She daily asks me if she looks fat, she never hears what she wants to hear. That is because all possible answers affect some insecurity of hers. I will no longer provide an answer. She needs to discover her own self worth.

3. No more R talk. I was already here, but we had a month of so of stability where I decided we could work on things. Clearly she cant handle verbal conflict.

4. Seek less and less validation from her, speak my mind often. If she disagrees respectfully tell her my opinion is different. (working on breaking that emotional fusion).

5. Seek a local guitar teacher.

6. Play more cards, the local scene here plays on the weekends in the evening I love the game but the weekends are for going out. Need to figure this one out.

7. Encourage W to be more independent ever since we got here all her so called independence plans went away, and since she refuses to drive on the other side relies on me for everything. I find it odd considering how much independence she wanted. I still need to figure out how I'm going to do that.

8. Encourage her to make friends. This one is hard, since the whole jealousy thing kicks in. Nonetheless I have made some positive strides.

9. Get my own friends. A little hard to do considering the many complex rank structures, and I tend to think that most of the stuff my peers for fun is not that fun.

Any other suggestions?

[Starsky309]

25
I am pretty stuck on 180's right now. It's pretty frustrating. Here are some I have considered:

1. Doing the [edited by dbmod: reference not recommended nor allowed] "no sex challenge". Let W know that I am trying to learn self control, and that I intend to go a month without sex.

2. She daily asks me if she looks fat, she never hears what she wants to hear. That is because all possible answers affect some insecurity of hers. I will no longer provide an answer. She needs to discover her own self worth.

3. No more R talk. I was already here, but we had a month of so of stability where I decided we could work on things. Clearly she cant handle verbal conflict.

4. Seek less and less validation from her, speak my mind often. If she disagrees respectfully tell her my opinion is different. (working on breaking that emotional fusion).

5. Seek a local guitar teacher.

6. Play more cards, the local scene here plays on the weekends in the evening I love the game but the weekends are for going out. Need to figure this one out.

7. Encourage W to be more independent ever since we got here all her so called independence plans went away, and since she refuses to drive on the other side relies on me for everything. I find it odd considering how much independence she wanted. I still need to figure out how I'm going to do that.

8. Encourage her to make friends. This one is hard, since the whole jealousy thing kicks in. Nonetheless I have made some positive strides.

9. Get my own friends. A little hard to do considering the many complex rank structures, and I tend to think that most of the stuff my peers for fun is not that fun.

Any other suggestions?

2,3,4*,5,6,8. YES.

The others . . . NO.

*here, fixed it for you:

4. Seek less and less no validation from her, speak my mind often. If she disagrees respectfully tell her my opinion is different. (working on breaking that emotional fusion).

[Starsky309]

^^^^ Boy I hope this one sinks in.

Me too, but I doubt it.

[greenblue90]

Wait, why shouldn't I make friends isn't that part of GAL?

The independence for her comes from me realizing that part of the reasons she hit an MLC at 25 was because she felt trapped and completely dependent on me. According to schnarch, when someone becomes so important that they could seriously affect you if they were to leave, it is normal to push that person away in order to not be so vulnerable. The key according to schanrch is to help them reach a good level of autonomy so they don't feel neither neglected or trapped.

[25yearsmlc]

Wait, why shouldn't I make friends isn't that part of GAL?

The independence for her comes from me realizing that part of the reasons she hit an MLC at 25 was because she felt trapped and completely dependent on me.

First off, maybe you're incorrect here^^. Maybe she's just self centered or mentally ill or both...IDK, but she's done nothing to change the situation so, SECONDLY, what difference does it make WHY she's mistreating you, if SHE refuses to change?


According to schnarch, when someone becomes so important that they could seriously affect you if they were to leave, it is normal to push that person away in order to not be so vulnerable.

All the psychoanalyzing has gotten you where? You're reading a book and diagnosing AND treating your wife...and what's new?


The key according to schanrch is to help them reach a good level of autonomy so they don't feel neither neglected or trapped.

It's not working.

[aeolianchaos]

The independence for her comes from me realizing that part of the reasons she hit an MLC at 25 was because she felt trapped and completely dependent on me. According to schnarch, when someone becomes so important that they could seriously affect you if they were to leave, it is normal to push that person away in order to not be so vulnerable. The key according to schanrch is to help them reach a good level of autonomy so they don't feel neither neglected or trapped.

GB,

Schnarch describes this as a barrier to intimacy - the more important someone becomes to us, the more its going to hurt if they leave us or if they die. But I don't remember him suggesting that the partner should 'help' the other person to achieve a higher degree of differentiation or self-soothing. In fact, I think he would suggest that its when you accept that the two of you are out of synch, and you focus on your own stuff, that your partner will feel pressured (or alternatively, have the space they need) to work on themselves.

But he also says: "Don't focus on your partner. Focus on yourself." and "Focusing on your partner actually reduces pressure on both of you to change"

What 25 said is true - don't be your partner's therapist. There is a good reason counselors aren't supposed to treat family. What makes us think we can do it any better.. I don't know but I learned my lesson (I hope..).

[greenblue90]

Ok it finally happened

Just hugged her, gave her a kiss and sent her on her way to her first date with a girl.

Time to find out how far she will go, time to find out how I will react.

Time for her to see if she wants to go through with it, if this is just an urge, curiosity, if she is straight,bi, lesbian or just curious.

Time for the games to stop and to face the consequences of our actions.

How do I feel?

I'm not angry, I'm not sad. That passed months ago. I don't even feel sorry for myself. This is not my fault. I did my best.

Then what do I feel?

Nervous: after tonight my life will never be the same. This could be the beginning of the end for us. It could also be the beginning of a new union where monogamy is the focus, or it could be the beginning of an open relationship where we both want each other to enjoy and held together by love.

No matter what the old marriage is over, and for that I am happy.

Happy: like I said I feel closure coming no matter what it may look like. I'd like to take this moment to thank all of the people in this board who have gone through this with me. You guys know who you are. Your daily support( and 2x4's). Made me realize I will be ok no matter the outcome.

Honestly I thought by now I'd be falling apart knowing my W is with an OW. Really though I'm more excited to finally get a chance to see how she will react. To finally know that a new beginning is near.

All possible outcomes have heartache involved, that I acknowledge. Yet I also stand to gain, the freedom of knowing I am free to find someone else, the relief of knowing that my W chose me after all, or the freedom of knowing we can both expand our sex lives in different ways.

I know many on this board feel my M will go one way or another, and that's ok! At this point after all the heart ache and uncertainty it all sounds great.

[Starsky309]

"Blcccch."

[MrBond]

Seriously. This is not an MLC. Your W is immature ... sexually and personally. Plain and simple.

I don't know what you didn't pinpoint that. As poetic as you're making things sound. Your W is still messing around on you. Doesn't matter if it's a man or woman. And you're just enabling it. Anything that has to deal with emotions in a woman is important.