I have been doing so well this weekend...on my own.
W called this morning. She was on the road to come home with the kids, and asked me to take care of a practical matter. I needed some information from my S, so she handed the cell phone over to him. We said goodbye, and W did not take the cell phone back to talk to me again.
Probably everyone reading thinks this was a fairly unremarkable exchange, right? Well, guess where my mind went! I immediately started wondering whether her not taking the call back meant that she was angry at me. She was gone for 5 days and I didn't call - was that rude? Did I miss a chance to show her some change? And I was analyzing all this stuff involuntarily (I think it's called worrying :().
So, all this morning, I have been freaking out. Was I only doing so well because W was not there for me to fret over? I feel so stupid, falling into this panic.
As I think back, W kissed me on the lips before she left (she left very early in the morning, a couple hours before I get up for work, so I was barely conscious of it). I think part of me was holding on to that, hoping it would be the start of a change. So, when she was so flat and blase on the phone with me today...I think I just read too much into everything.
And I worry about waiting for her to start showing an interest in me. What if she is waiting for me to come to her? Alright, I guess I know the answer to that one - I have been pursuing her for years, and it didn't work. I just don't want her to feel rejected and ignored. I only want her to feel she is with an independent, strong man. I don't feel like that now.
How do I greet her when she comes home - to show that she is welcome, to show that I value her presence without becoming desperate again? I think I know how not to be desperate...no, maybe I just know how to be detached, but not how to show a healthy, limited attachment. You know, to show her I care about her without being desperate that she care about me.
I am a wreck today! I'm glad you guys are here to sound off to.
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
