Is filing for D a 180?

[luvmyhubby]

25,
Thank you so much for your response! I havent logged on in a while for me I guess i kind of feel like im in a different place. Then I realized today as i was crying at my computer that I get a lot out of reading and helping on this site. No matter my outcome..

I set my boundaries with the kids and gave him an actual calendar with times on it. This has helped I also enforced a specific day of the week for him to see the kids and he agreed when i told him that I needed to plan.
Ive also put in place that he must stay with the kids either at my home, his mom's or a family member's house since he has no place for them. Absolutely not allowed to stay with a stranger or his OW. He agreed and is abiding by this.. His last weekend he stayed at my house with the kids and I made it work and stayed out of his way. Im out of town this weekend but he is staying with his mom and a relative that like a lot.

I think these are all good things for the kids to be around family and also for him. Maybe it will help boost him a bit as he is really down since his life is taking a dive.

I would agree for sure that my ego is taking a beating and im having a hard time dealing with that. I dont know that i miss my husband.. I dont recall what a great man he was to me he was a shell with me and the kids. We were intimate and hugged in bed so i guess that is what i am missing. The intimacy of another and the feelings you get from that. Along with the rejection makes for a bad day sometimes..

My C is helping me a lot she told me that my H was a passive man and I was an assertive woman. We fit but he became who he is now and was probably not as assertive in the beginning. I see now I am more myself that when we were married which happens of course.
So weirdly i feel confident in myself and my identity as a mother. The wife part is all in question now and must be reviewed to internally repair.
Im going to watch that movie ive seen it on TV but havent taken the time. I have hope for my life and believe that God has a greater plan for me its just somedays hard to keep 100% faith and happy.

I have a lot of really great friends who are helping me out and check on me often.
Today my H came to pickup the kids in the OW car since his truck had a flat. I told him at first the kids couldnt ride in it and he pretended not to know why. Then i told him i knew who's car it was and he didnt say anything. Then i got ahold of myself and realized how petty i was being and told him to just take them in the car. I realized today that I miss having him as a failsafe if you will. He was my safety shoot on a parachute except that he was a dummy shoot. NOt really there for me and the kids..

I did go and buy a new car this last weekend when he was out of town. I traded in my paid for car that was really really about to go and got something economical for me and just all around better. It felt good to make decisions on my own and only have myself to answer to for it.
My counselor told me to not call myself aggressive which has been something given to me at work. I was termed aggressive by an old boss when I told him exactly what I wanted with regard to a new promotion and salary. So I am no longer aggressive since that is more of a negative tone about it.. I am now assertive which is something I am very proud of for myself.

I wont let you roll over me or take advantage of me if I can help it.

When I look into the future to see me being happy I just see me with my children. Us in a home that I am responsible for and the kids are happy. Then on my weekends with out them Im having fun with friends and possibly a love interest. However I dont seem me mixing anyone with my kids in this happy future. With regard to him I just see him picking up the kids and that is it.
My H wants to be a great dad and in some ways he is. He is getting better about his time with them but he has his own demons. His father was not around and didnt pay support and he doesnt want to be that man. The really really sad thing is he is headed on that path pretty clearly..

We had a R talk the other night for the first time in a long time. He brought it up and he told me i treated him and spoke to him like a dog. This is so not true!!! However it made me realize that no matter what i do he will find a way to twist our marriage. I wasnt abusive or i didnt scream or cuss at him or say mean things etc.. I just asked for what he wasnt giving..

We exchanged theories for a while and he and i both listened. In the end I didnt beg him back or ask him back at all. It felt good..
So no matter what ive changed and gone through he hasnt changed or gone through anything to move him in the right direction. I know that now and realize my efforts have been futile for the marriage.

For me the efforts that I have given have brought me to a great place. Im healthier and happier with myself (minus the D stuff ) than i have really ever been. That brings me more hope!!

So no I have stopped crying while typing and realize im headed in the right direction.

It makes me happy to hear about your ex SIL finding someone who made her extrememly happy. This also brings me hope that one day when I am ready it will happen..

Thank you for your words! I appreciate it!