I barely have the energy to post anything here. My fight for my marriage is officially over> Why? Because my wife took her life this morning at 3:00 a.m while I decided to give her some space and clear my head while i went down to southern ontario.\\
Instead of being there with her and telling her how much she meant to me and how much i treasured her , i decided to go a little dim for the weekend and come back on monday where we were going to go on a trip.
No words can express my feelings of guilt and other emotions whdi id ont understand.
Be careful ou there. 9
First, I feel for you. I remember reading about your sitch and marveled at the similarities that I experienced with my ex.
And as is very, very clear, even from your first anguished posts, you loved her beyond measure and even all reason. I know you see that love and how you expressed it as imperfect and its going to feel like that for a long time. She brought an end to a hope and dream of yours...without your consent.
As many have said to you, this is not your fault. From your very first post here and numerous ones since, there has always been the threat of suicide. Many references to her previous attempts. Short of having her locked down and under observation 24/7, there is no way of preventing the attempt.
Now I know you are going through a lot of doubt and "if only's." This is natural and maybe in the short-term a healthy aid in focusing grief and loss. It's okay to blame yourself for a little while. Just don't make lifetime out of it.
Finally, this is a defining moment not only for you, but your children. How you handle this loss will help define their lives. And that is the other part of blaming yourself...be careful that they don't take that on themselves. Children can and sometimes do take on the responsibility that what happened to their parents was caused by them. They too can take on the "if only" role in a way that defines them and not always in the best way through adulthood.
You have tough times in front of you even though part of the uncertainty is over. Yet there are people pulling for you.
Don't forget and don't be afraid to ask.
The Captain
Wow, much wisdom, there. ^^^ I hope my friend Puppy won't mind me stealing his "4 Whistles Award"; somehow, I don't think he will.
