Devastated

[a girl]

Wow, you're allowing him to bring the kids around OW? I would absolutely not tolerate that, and in my state, neither would a judge.

You might consider how confusing and upsetting it is for the kids, and look at having some sort of clause put in your parenting plan.

[Julz]

I'm in Australia and unfortunately courts don't care about why a marriage split up - but we do have to be seperated 12 months before we can divorce.

He knows my feelings re the OW but will do whatever he wants. I told him about 4 weeks ago I didn't want him to tell the kids she was his gf. So what did he do - he told them, then told the kids not to tell me! Because I'd cry.

[Julz]

Before H left I was doing Weight Watchers and exercising - 30 minutes 5 days a week on the cross trainer. My world fell apart when he left. Finally today after over 9 weeks I jumped back on the cross trainer - only 15 minutes - but it's a start. I need to get my life back together. I still have a slim hope at the back of my brain but I need to focus on me and my kids and assume the worst. That my H is going to marry his OW and live happily ever after - therefore I need to move on with my life and live happily ever after too. I'm not giving up. I will still keep coming here - but I need to stop focusing on him.

[Sad_but_happy]

Congrats Julz. It is a start... And a good one!

Live Julz... And have fun doing it.

[Julz]

Email last night - he's setup a direct debit for my child support. I didn't reply.

I'm feeling good. I always do at the start of the fortnight. I know it will be days before I heard from him, days before I see him. We get into a routine.

[a girl]

Julz - I also feel better when I know I won't have to see/talk to H for "X" amount of time.

[Julz]

Ahhhhhhhh Credit Card bill and rates notice are here. I need to send them to H. I hate to initiate contact with him.

I want to ask him how he is, but know I should keep my email direct and to the point.

[~ kd ~]

so... don't contact... just send... carrier pigeons still work...

[Julz]

I have to email them to him. So I have to contact him.

[25yearsmlc]

Juiz,

I don't want to harp on the past, but I do want to point out something, since you asked me on another thread for feedback...

You asked how to show affection if the spouse isn't there...but
When you vacationed you knew his LL was physical intimacy,

and yet you specifically said you'd refuse to initiate or show affection to him. Why?

Was that b/c you feared he'd turn you away?

It was a chance to show change.


So now, he's with OW, and that's not so shocking.

But when the A ends, what then?

It's more likely to end if people don't go on and on about how wrong he is...the more his choices are challenged,

the more he'll defend those choices and want to be "right".

But if left alone, I would bet that when the separation period nears its' end
and his "freedom" approaches, he may step BACK and ask himself what he is doing...

I would guess he misses you and the kids (at least some of the time they're not around.) Was he an involved dad? Now he's supposed to be the stepdad to an 8 y/o girl? Hmmm...

I don't imagine the 8 y/o girl is thrilled with being away from her own parent so that her mom can have a fling with a man who has his own kids...

I would not listen to or ask about OW. The A will flame out on its' own.

But conducting yourself with dignity and grace will Never be something you regret.

In the meantime you still have to contrast the negative images

he used to justify leaving, with positives from you (to undermine the negatives.)

I think working on the intimacy issues you have would be a good idea, no matter what. I'm not sure what you meant exactly, so I'm guessing here...

But since you know it is an issue for you, why not look into it?

You're awfully young to give up on having a healthy sex life,

and men care A LOT about it. (Most women do too.)

See your doctor and explore what's going on with you physically.

Additionally, see if a c can help you with whatever emotional reasons you had for refusing sex or never initiating it.


When you see your h, I'd dress more provacatively.

Not in a way that makes you uncomfortable, but in a way that makes you look CHANGED...sensual...

Try hard to NOT cry in front of the kids again, about h. Why? B/c

You don't want them hiding things from you, but they will do that IF they fear hurting you.

It was pretty uncool of him to tell them to deceive you and I'd be surprised if no court cared about that.


Also the nits, which I assume is Lice, is a BIG DEAL to me. I've dealt with it once when we returned from Europe and it was a total nightmare.


If you are SURE they did not have them when they visited h, then I'd be darn sure not to have them there until he works that out with OW's D...

gross. (Never knew why God made those creatures...)

Can you email him about the huge labor intensive nature of treating them only to have them recur, & how frustrating that is for "everyone"...

(Is school starting soon there? Schools here kick you out if you have lice)

so maybe he can make sure "everyone there" is treated before your kids get there.

It's a way to show him you can communicate without anger or reproach.


If you still love him and

I assume you do since you had a 14 M and it's only been a few months of him being gone...

then Keep the Road Home Paved & Smooth...

and work on YOU in the meantime.

You'll have contact with him and you can show him in ways other than direct physical contact, that you are different.

I don't know if you had weight issues but you mentioned dieting.

So I assume your new size is noticable?

That matters. Keep up the exercise, it's a stress reliever and when the time comes for you to be around a man, preferably your h,

then your confidence in how your body looks will be even better.

Essentially you want him to realize that marriage to you now

from this day forward

would be better/different than before.

Or else why would he want back in?

Besides, was it really enough for you as it was?

When you both speak in each other's love language, it improves a lot.


Hang in there!