Affair (continued II)

[ChrisW]

I am very sure that her Roller Coaster is much more intense. Just sad that I was the one that put her on it. She did not deserve it. Funny how bad you think you have it until it gets really worse....she really is being very forgiving about everything. More than most people I would say. I mean she hasnt asked me to leave, she hasnt asked me to sleep on the couch. I have offered both of the things and wants me to stay until she has it sorted out in her head. So, honestly gives me quality time to spend with my kids. (I took them to the library yesterday evening, picked out books and read to them. Was awesome....I have to say.) Took them to dinner them home for a movie, wife was out with my mom (akward I am sure). It also gives me a chance for some 180's and DBing like a mad man. So I am trying to take full advantage of this. Working on staying positive and cheerful. But I really feel so horrible for the havoc I have put this woman through.

[ChrisW]

Ok, well friday is here. Looking forward to a good weekend. I hope everyone else has a good one a well. The W has continued to be a little distant and cold, but not going to let that stop me from enjoying things. Although she declined to go with this weekend, I didnt push just simply said ok and left it at that. I have some projects around the house that I have been wanting to finish. I just hope the rain holds off long enough for me to comeplete them. Will feel good to finish something. Going to the movies alone tonight since everyone bailed on me, but oh well at least it will be quiet and I can see what I want to see. lol

[ChrisW]

Had a pretty decent weekend I must say. Went out friday night, caught a movie some food. Had a drink with a couple of friends. I didnt get home until 4 am. I didnt text the wife but once to let her know I would be late. She was awake when I got home. Seemed worried about me although I did not ask .

[ChrisW]

So it has been a pretty busy weekend thus far. W and I took the kids to a pool party yesterday. W was kind of cold or luke warm I guess. Some one wanted to take a picture of the "marrid couple" the W made a comment to me "for now". Later I was like was that a joke or?? She was like maybe it was maybe it wasnt. So not sure what to make of that. She seemed playful when she said it. But, she has been fairly distant today.....not sure if this is just a dip in the roller coaster or what. I asked her last night that I got invited to go to out for a meal with a group of friends next friday night and she was very welcome to come if she wanted. She was like thats fine. So just left it at that.

Lately I have been trying to take the approach of things could be worse. I am still here and she hasnt made a decision yet on if she wants a D or not. It will be 2 months tomorrow so I am expecting a rough day but going to work to make it a good one. Going to hang out at the pool with my kiddos. So, wish me luck.

[ChrisW]

Well things are still running some what ok here. Ups and downs have been hitting again. Been three months since W confronted me about the OW. She gets pretty quiet from time to time which makes me nervous but I just try and give her space. Still not sure where this is going, as she hasn't made up her mind on saving this or not. I have been going to counseling on my own with hopes that W will join me. I have trying to spend a lot of time with my kids, since school will be starting soon and I dont know what our future holds. ( I guess no one really knows that huh)

I have a job interview Weds. evening that comes with a big pay raise. W is very excited about it as am I. I just worry (because that is what I do) that she only wants me to get it so I can afford to move out. Probably unfounded worry but I still can't fight it somedays.

[Bworl]

If you ever bring up your relationship or MC again, you should simply be slapped silly.

Your anxiety is understandable. Not doing something about it, is not. It's a bit ridiculous in my opinion to approach this crisis as though everything hinges on your wife.

I tend to believe much more of it hinges on you.

You seem to be a talker. The problem is that right now you need to be a DO'er.

Needy, mopey, desperate, lonely, and insecure people are not attractive to me, and I think not attractive to most. You have a right to be insecure right now - you've hurt your wife significantly enough that she could choose to end your marriage. That makes us worry.

But you know what?

She's still there. And by your own posts we can see that she does not seem to be in any hurry to sever your relationship. Hurt? Yes. Still bothered by your betrayal? Absolutely. Wondering how she can have a normal marriage with you again? Sure.

But she's still there.

And you've seen glimpses and shared bits that show she is processing and dealing with her feelings, slowly but surely.


I know it's tough. Part of you must think that if you appear too happy go lucky and well adjusted, that she will interpret that as being non-chalant about what you did. I would think that way too.


So you have to find the balance.


And I mentioned being a DO'er instead of a talker. Your wife should get to drive the conversations right now. And even if she STARTS a relationship conversation, you should not take that as an open door to ask your needy questions.


Show her that you are sorry.
Show her that you are changed.
Show her that she is all you ever need.
Show her that your family is the most important thing to you.


SHOW.

Not tell.


Stop interrupting her process with your need.


And if you have need right now, find a way to satisfy your need that doesn't involve seeking out your wife for satisfying that need. (no, I'm not talking about sexual need, just to be clear - though I suppose it fits as well)


You have lots of positive signs that seem to indicate this could be healed and rebuilt.


You know how sometimes you get a little chip on your windshield from a small pebble or something? That chip can stay JUST a chip for some time - more than enough time for it to be repaired. But if you put that windshield under pressure (bumps in the road, hard turns, collisions), that chip is going to turn into a crack that spiders it's way through the entire windshield. You'll wind up replacing that windshield then - it won't be fixable anymore.


Pressure is bad.

Fixing the chip is good.



Blessings,

Bill

[ChrisW]

Bill,
Thank you.....Sorry it has taken so long for me to respond. I have been very busy. DOing not showing...Yes I still let the better of my anxiety get to me but do my best to hide that. I have been in the process of switching jobs (well hopefully). If I get the new it will pay much more and relieve a lot of financial stress. Which is always a good thing. I have successfully dodged any desire of R talks for weeks now. My wife is very excited at the possiblity of a new job. Even told me that she is closer to wanting to fix things , although she did say she wouldnt put money on it in Vegas just yet. I did not bring this up and quickly changed the subject. Thanks....

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Soooo, you're seeing improvment by not bugging the crap out of her and being needy?

[awest1217]

Glad things seem to be going well.

[25yearsmlc]

you are getting frickin' GREAT advice.


Please, dear God, FOLLOW IT!