So many feelings going on inside me tonight. I got hired for a new job. It requires me to be on call at any time of the day or night. I am gratified I was hired, I am sad I won't be around as much for my kids as I'd like, and I am angry that one person's actions have necessitated all these changes in not just my life, but my family's. Yes, we'll all adapt and roll with things, there is no other choice really. Now I have to decide if I ask STBX if he will be around to help with the scheduling issues/childcare an parenting conflicts that are bound to occur with my new position. O if I just continue on and pretend he isn't in the picture at all and rely on my extended family to help me as needed. Obviously with me trying to be/go dim as I can, I don't even want to tell him I have a new job. So far I've told everyone involved in my life BUT him at this point. I phoned a mutual friend (really STBX's buddy, but he knows me too) tonight about a detail to aid in the transition that this job will bring, and I mentioned that I believe STBX is not coming back. He agreed. Based on the feelings this aroused I am seriously considering initiating divorce soon for my own purposes. I realize I cannot get involved with or give myself completely to anyone else unless I am in fact divorced. It would feel too much like I was betraying not only STBX but myself because of the promises I made...even if he broke his made to me.
It may be time to back down from my position of letting the STBX finish what he started.
Damn this is hard.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
