I am so lost... someone PLEASE help me!!! 5

[aeolianchaos]

have to forgive her. I have to say it to her face and i have to hear myself say it, to let it go and move forward, for me. I want her to know that I genuinely forgive her.

Do you? Right away?

You have to say it?

One thing I'm getting beaten over the head with is that actions speak louder than words. Might apply here, especially right now. Perhaps when your W is interested in discussing the affair it would be good to be able to say "W I forgive you for that" but right now you might be perceived (as you noted) as judgmental or even pressuring.

Also, I want to let her know that I don't want her EA to continue, as it is unclear to me the status of that. Until I know her EA is over, we will not be able move forward successfully.

I think you're gonna have to keep moving forward successfully on your own.

She knows you don't want the EA to continue. Trust me - she knows that.

I understand how my actions combined with our lack of communication and quality time brought on this result.

So your actions made her go against her vows?

I'm not disagreeing with you, and I think its solid of you to be able to own up to your role in the state of your relationship. To the extent that your R probably wasn't in hot shape when the A began, yeah.. you can own 100% of your 50%. But in terms of why she had an A.. thats all on her for making that choice. But YOU DON'T NEED TO TELL HER THAT - ESPECIALLY NOT RIGHT NOW!!!!!!

Also... How can I help her see the benefit of counseling. She refuses to go. Should I just give that time to show my changes are real and let her come to that realization on her own? I know what therapy has done for me... I want her to feel good about herself too...

If you drag her kicking and screaming, she probably won't reap the benefits you are reaping. I think what you said actually is your answer - show her that you are a happier and more self-efficacious person. Show her that you like the new you better than the old one. Show her that you are unstuck on stuff that maybe you've been stuck on for decades.

She might get curious.. she might not. I resisted seeing a therapist for years and now I'm strongly considering going back to school to become one.