In my heart I HAVE forgiven her. I understand the reason for her A. After talking to her it became very clear to me why it happened. I don't know if this makes sense but I felt like I went from victim to co-conspirator. I definayely see my culpability. I think it is very normal for someone who is very sad and lonely and feeling like their needs are unmet to search for something to fill that void. I don't like it, but I understand it. I think it is very natural to feel attractions to other people. That's part of being alive, but I also think that you have an obligation to your spouse happy or not to remain faithful, and if you can't do that end the marriage first. Vows are vows, they are promises, not suggestions.
To be honest she should have told me how she was feeling though. She admitted to me that she expected me to know when she said "how could you not know? Very simply, you didn't tell me, that how. Or I just couldn't understand the message, or I didn't clarify her meaning. When she said "I'm unhappy". I should have asked "about what? Instead of assuming she was talking about her job. She also could have been more specific. or mentioned it in a face to face discussion instead of as a side note in an email after a tough day of screaming kids. I'm not blaming, I'm just saying we both need to work on our communication. I know this is one key to our solution. It is one thing we both (her more than me) have an issue with is media addiction, her texting on her blackberry and me, Facebook and reading on my iPad, or watching TV. In short, we agreed to make time for each other to talk, face to face, honestly and openly, even if it is just superficial and mundane. It is quality time together, just enjoy it.
RANTING... When will women figure out that men have no idea what's going on in their heads. We have no clue. Even when you tell us in what you think are clear thoughts, it's still a puzzle that needs deciphering, and we don't have the key. A lot of time I have trouble finding the real message buried in a long conversation. I will say this, and forgive me men for speaking on behalf of everyone, just tell us what you want as directly as possible, it's how our brains work. It's what we understand. We just want you to be happy.
Anyways... Now I have to be really careful not to push full steam ahead. It will be difficult for me to hold my enthusiasm back and not overdo it. I am a very assertive person when I know what I want, and I want her.
So, I will happily take any advice on how to share with her my "revelation" about her A and also on how I turn that into a "I forgive you" without sounding judgmental or magnanimous. I do have to forgive her. I have to say it to her face and i have to hear myself say it, to let it go and move forward, for me. I want her to know that I genuinely forgive her, and that I understand how my actions combined with our lack of communication and quality time brought on this result.
Also, I want to let her know that I don't want her EA to continue, as it is unclear to me the status of that. Until I know her EA is over, we will not be able move forward successfully.
Also... How can I help her see the benefit of counseling. She refuses to go. Should I just give that time to show my changes are real and let her come to that realization on her own? I know what therapy has done for me... I want her to feel good about herself too...
Thank you everyone
Prayers and thoughts with you and your family today ninelives...
Johnnie
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
