WAW, and a bisexual open marriage part 4

[aeolianchaos]

The independence for her comes from me realizing that part of the reasons she hit an MLC at 25 was because she felt trapped and completely dependent on me. According to schnarch, when someone becomes so important that they could seriously affect you if they were to leave, it is normal to push that person away in order to not be so vulnerable. The key according to schanrch is to help them reach a good level of autonomy so they don't feel neither neglected or trapped.

GB,

Schnarch describes this as a barrier to intimacy - the more important someone becomes to us, the more its going to hurt if they leave us or if they die. But I don't remember him suggesting that the partner should 'help' the other person to achieve a higher degree of differentiation or self-soothing. In fact, I think he would suggest that its when you accept that the two of you are out of synch, and you focus on your own stuff, that your partner will feel pressured (or alternatively, have the space they need) to work on themselves.

But he also says: "Don't focus on your partner. Focus on yourself." and "Focusing on your partner actually reduces pressure on both of you to change"

What 25 said is true - don't be your partner's therapist. There is a good reason counselors aren't supposed to treat family. What makes us think we can do it any better.. I don't know but I learned my lesson (I hope..).