I am 44, H is 50. We have ONLY been married 4 years, 2nd for both. I had a baby at the end of our first year (we didn't waste time, biological clock thing), and he quit his job because it required too much travel. He was not able to find another one and stopped looking. For 3 years he hasn't helped around the house, hasn't worked, and hasn't done a fraction of the home repairs that need to be done. I work full time, we have 3 children at home (5 until recently) and have a sitter to help with the baby. Over the past year he has gone into full-blown MLC mode.
My husband has a nice BMW I bought him used, plus a new Shelby GT John Voight (sp) Racing Edition I bought him a couple of years ago. He took up bowling 3 nights a week about a year ago. Which turned into staying out until 3 am on bowling nights. Which turned into staying out 5-7 nights a week, mostly in clubs. Which turned into frequently sleeping over at a female "friends" house. Two of them actually. He says they are just friends and there is no sex. The women are in their 50's.
He gets $200 a week free spending money. He has NO bills, I pay them all.
I know if I am going to support him through his MLC, I can't make demands on how he spends his time. But is it realistic that I have to keep giving him money to run around on me? I want to get through to the other side, but I feel really, really exploited.
Help!
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Tina, I'm going to say something to you, that I would not normally say on these boards. You need to decide if this man is worth it. Is he ever going to step up and be the man you deserve him to be? There wouldn't appear to be much evidence of it.
You have only been with him a short time. He is using you and you are letting him. You deserve better than that.
You need to work on your self-love and self esteem. You need to work on you.
Please get some individual counselling. There's a good site at http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/ which will help you think about co-dependence and selfworth. I recommend having a good look at it.
This is a marriage saving site - and I respect that you wuld like to save your marriage. Sometimes you have to save yourself first.
((hugs))
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Hi, my name is punkin, and I've been on these boards for about 18 months or so now. I've been away as I've been moving into a new place and just catching up. Your thread caught my eye. All three of them. So here goes . . .
Tina, I'm afraid in your case, it sounds as if MLC stands for Mooch/Loser/Con. Hasn't found a job in how long??? Let me guess, he's holding out for an executive position. Surely there is a Burger King out there hiring. How hard is it to say "Would you like fries with that?"
I think Walking above is correct. You need to reassess your feelings about YOURSELF. Yes, you have a child with this man, but it seems like sperm was the last thing he contributed to the marriage.
Take a good long look in a mirror. Doesn't Tina deserve better than this? I'm not saying run for a divorce. I would never say that, but someone needs to put on his big girl panties and step up to the plate here. If that is too much to ask, than . . . WHAT?
Take W's advice. Search out some counseling for yourself. Find your own niche and your own self-esteem.
Hope I haven't been too abrasive. It is just my thoughts on the facts as you present them. I'm not saying you do not belong on the board. Everyone is welcome, but you definitely need some personal counseling and BE GOOD TO YOURSELF.
And by the way. He can take the bus to the Burger King.
Welcome to the MLC board. You will find lots of caring, kind and supportive people here. Our main focus is the LBS and helping them to see that working on oneself puts a lot of other things .
From what you state, your H's antics have gone on far too long. Boundary setting is in order. He has taken from you long enough. If you want advice on how to go about setting boundaries, we'll help you.
Sounds like you H has a nice cushy life. Wondering what would happen if he thought that might not be there anymore?
One more thing. Stick to one thread until you get to 100 posts. Then you start a new one. That helps us all by just having one to respond to. You can ask all your questions in one. Also you will be moderated for a while and your posts probably won't show up right away. After a while they'll show right when you hit submit.
After I found out he had been "sleeping over" at female friends houses (no sex he says, but he had an affair in 2009 so I am not sure I buy it, plus it isn't appropriate for a married man anyway, even if there was no sex) I asked for a temporary separation so that I could work through this. He said he needed time to work through his issues too.
I suck at setting boundaries and it is our biggest problem. I need to deal with that. I honestly would prefer he didn't take a minimum wage job (my job pays very very well), I would prefer he work on the small business he started (and hasn't put much effort into) and help around the house. I don't expect him to be "Mr. Mom", but do his half.
He was never a freeloader. Worked since age 14 until he lost his job 3 years ago. Supported his wife and children for many years. But married me, hit some kind of wall, and decided, "screw it, I worked enough. I'm taking it easy!" But I didn't marry a man to have one more kid to support! I wanted a partner!
Anyway, I have told him I don't want to get back together under the old terms. That I need a partner. That he needs to work, either in the business or in a job. That he is equally responsible for the house and the children. He is acting like he is willing to change, but he may just be talking. He does know I hold all the cards...he adores his kids, and likes having a comfortable lifestyle he could never afford. He also knows deep down I am perfectly capable of functioning without him. When I am not being emotional, I know that, too.
I do believe it is theoretically possible, that God can reach him. But I can't keep being "boundariless" and "submissive" to the point of being a doormat (a doormat that actually supports the family too! What a cool doormat!) while I wait for God to work on him.
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He often says what a lot of MLC guys do, "I worked for 30 years! I'm tired. I worked two jobs when I had to to support my family! I did my time."
But he wasn't married to ME when he did that! I never got the benefit of it, but suddenly I get stuck with his "burnout"! He worked HARD for his girlfriend of 10 years (mother of his adult kids) AND for his first wife!
H50 W44 M 4 D 29 D 28 D 26 S 22 S 20 D 17 S 15 S 5 D 3 1st Bomb 4/2009 Separated 2/2009 4 months 2nd Bomb 6/11 Separated 7/11 to ???
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments.
GAL.
Detach. - The single most important thing you can do
You have been given a GIFT The gift of TIME. - Use is wisely.
I have come to believe that, over time, we teach people how to treat us. I think this is true with you and your husband.
The answer to your thread question is "No, of course not," but I suppose you already knew that. You are ENABLING him, and while you cannot control him or his actions, you can certainly stop rescuing him from the natural consequences of them.
What you're doing now is neither good for you . . . OR him.
I do believe it is theoretically possible, that God can reach him. But I can't keep being "boundariless" and "submissive" to the point of being a doormat (a doormat that actually supports the family too! What a cool doormat!) while I wait for God to work on him.
Perhaps God is waiting for YOU to act, and to stop enabling your husband's poor behavior, and to stand up for holiness in your marriage.
Yes, Jesus forgave teh adulteress, but He also told her to "go and sin no more," and He also stirred up His righteous indignation and threw over the moneychangers' tables who were defiling His Father's temple.
I think you need to reach deep down and determine what your short-list of "dealbreakers" are. I call these your "Boundaries of Personal Integrity," and they are slightly different from person to person, but I assume from your posts that yours include "I will not live in an open marriage" and "I will not support us both, financially, and I CERTAINLY will not financially enable your affair!"
Your problem is, you SAY these things (or something similar), but I'm afraid your husband has most likely learned to tune them out. He is instead focusing on your ACTIONS, which say loud-and-clear to him that you WILL tolerate these things he is doing.
I'm sorry to be so harsh, but it's really as simple as that. It's not EASY, mind you, but is IS very SIMPLE.
