Pretty sure this is a MLC or Identity Crisis

[tested metal]

Wow! What a wreck the W is! Last night, I went to check the mail and a package that she sent to OM a month a go was returned by the good ol' Post Office. The whole day yesterday she went out to "motorcycle bar run", riding with "somebody from work"; which is pretty much drinking and driving from bar to bar and town to town. She left at noon and came back stinkin' drunk at 5:45 am the next morning and tried to sneak in. Needless to say she woke up the daughter and me. I said nothing about the package and her being gone for so long. Now she texted me saying that she has "cut all ties with OM", although he is stil on her facebook. I am not getting sucked in to this though and will not begin to trust her again until I am absolutely sure she has changed for the better and she needs to prove that A is truely over. I will not demand this until later as i know the A will probably still go on, but it is a bandaid. Even if A with OM is over, she may have replaced him with a guy more accessable. Apparently OM is in a band traveling al over the country and won't be back until Oct., so I am betting I haven't seen the last of this stuff. I still plan on moving out in a month or two, unless she renegs on her demand for me to move. Personally, I think we probably both need the time alone to ourselves and it would help me detach more. I am not snooping in W's business, but unfortunately she hasn't been so bright in keeping her business a secret and it is pretty much right in front of my eyes. Welcome to the rollercoster ride! Going up!

[tested metal]

Well it looks like i was right. The W decided to dump the 42 yr. old and is now having an A with a 51 yr. old biker! Pretty sure there are hard core daddy issues. Once again she texts spewing crap but is sweet to me in person.

W informed me that she notified FIl and Mil and they were "quite supportive." I called MIL just to thank her and FIL for everything they have given me and for letting me be part of the family. I also stated that no matter what happens their granddaughter will be in their lives. MIL kinda pressed for more info, but i told her that this is between me and W. She told me that MIL and FIL were going to be hands off regarding W's decision, because they realize that she needs to figure this out for herself. They came to this decision without my prompting, which tells me that my thinking this is a MLC is probably spot on.

I was notified today that my friend's house will be ready to move into by the beginning of this month. I think I this will help me with detaching. I will be sitting on the curb and watching my W zoom by over and over again. Save me a seat!

[tested metal]

Having a bad PMA day today. W is having affair #2 and is insulting my intelligence by lying awfully about it. i am not pressing her but she is using every friend she ever had as a cover as in "I am going to watch movies with x" and then returns the next day at 8 am wreaking of booze and cologne.

I know that the A's are just bandaids, but has anyone ever worried that the bandaids may be infected and if getting back together with W down the line she may have an STD??? I figure before having sex with her (which for me she would have to be completely out of the tunnel) she would have to prove that A's are completely over and that she is STD free. This may seem like too many stipulations but I figure i need to protect myself.

Any thoguhts?

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=scaredashell]Having a bad PMA day today. W is having affair #2 and is insulting my intelligence by lying awfully about it.

Understandable you'd have a hard time with this^^^. Who wouldn't?

I am not big on diagnosing MLCs b/c I think those who overly focus on it, do so to foster hope in their situations. While there is always hope, I don't know of real evidence suggesting an MLCer is more likely to return...sorry.


But your focus on YOUR OWN work is sound and healthy. How is THAT going?

What are your 180s?

and your GALs?

...."I am going to watch movies with x" and then returns the next day at 8 am wreaking of booze and cologne.

I know that the A's are just bandaids, but has anyone ever worried that the bandaids may be infected

A lot of folks worry about the STDs. I wasn't one of them, BUT that's largely b/c of who my h was/is. (Just not the type to ML to a high risk person.)

IDK your w or what her sexual habits are. I do think there are many around here with poor information about what sexual habits transmit HIV though...


and if getting back together with W down the line she may have an STD??? I figure before having sex with her (which for me she would have to be completely out of the tunnel) she would have to prove that A's are completely over and that she is STD free. This may seem like too many stipulations but I figure i need to protect myself.


They ^^^ stipulations--, aka, "conditions precedent" and

you are not in a position to have them if you also have expectations of her meeting them.

I am not saying not to have them, just sort of shaking my head at why you think they are relevant NOW...b/c

you are getting way ahead of yourself.

I worry you are looking for ANY sign that she is in MLC for hope and like I said, I believe in hope.

But not b/c of a "trigger" event she had (her gastric bypass) from 9 years ago...(really? You thought that was a "trigger" for a MLC??)

she's in her early 30s...9 years ago she wasn't having a MLC-- but she lost weight and presumably became more attractive to OMs...maybe for the first time.

she's likely the "ugly duckling" sister but that is NOT the sister's "fault"...

her issues with her sister on her sister's wedding day are so self absorbed that it's sad. Frankly, your w has got a ton of baggage.

I wonder about how the pregnancy affected her and post partum depression as well. But then, wasn't she a bit "off" before all that, correct?

Or does it seem to center around hormonal issues? (The abortion, the pregnancy and then the delivery...IDk)

TO me, that makes more sense than MLC.

But the thing is, her behavior is very destructive to the marriage no matter what the cause.

as for my other thoughts...YOU and your work...how is it going?

AND

how much do you think you could get past, down the road?

Sometimes an LBSer finds that simply too much has happened that goes way beyond our "deal breaker" lines...

and when that happens, we realize we are fighting for a marriage simply to "win" (egos)

and not b/c we actually want THAT marriage and

not b/c we can actually envision reconciling.

Other times, an LBSer finds they can take a lot more pain and forgive, or work on it, than they realized.

So, Can you truly envision what reconciliation would look like?

And can you put aside your fears of losing your d?

Frankly, I doubt it's possible she can deny you joint custody (which courts favor, NOT "moms"...although physical custody may be different--don't trust rumors that are out of date. Ask the L. Empower yourself w/knowledge. )

The only way you would "lose" your d is if you are found you unfit. NOT going to happen.

Also, don't assume her adultery is relevant to custody (assuming she does not expose d1 to it).

Most states separate the marital issues from the parenting ones...

double check before you use empty threats that make her do something crazy, like make up an abuse story so she "wins".
[color:#CC0000]
Hang in there, and do YOUR work so you are a truly better man for it.

Then leave the results up to God.

5-6 years ago I'd have given my m about a 10% chance of success. So you never know...

b/c we don't know what we don't know.

Make sense?

(( ))
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[tested metal]

25-

You are right that I need to focus on myself more. I think that unfortunately it is going to take me to be living apart from her to do this. I don't think this is an MLC (although all the signs are there) but more of an identity crisis, and that she is very sensitive when others may ask her for responsibility or call her on her responsibilities. She percieves this as the person being judgemental and wants to write them off.

I am introspecting if i have been or am currently judgemental, which is working on me.

Thank you for your post.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Hang in there Shell,

and while it [censored] like a chest wound...her OM choices...work in your favor, not like 32 year old doctor/lawyer types, you know?

[seeking answers]

SAH,

I'm sure I'm not telling you anything new when I say that we all go through life transitions about every 7 - 10 years. It's when one of these transitions goes off the track that a life crisis comes in to play. Don't get hung up on what it's called. Your W definitely sounds like she's in crisis mode.

[tested metal]

The reason that I have been asking all these questions and reading the resources on this forum is because I have been taught to seek first to understand, then be understood. I want to understand where my W is coming from, only then can I correct myself and my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors towards her and others. I am also examining closely the OM that she is "hanging out with" to see what it is that is attracting her to them. So far they have been the complete opposite of me, but I am learning that they are doing some things that I need to do in my relationship with her regardless of the outcome of the relationship. In that regards, I am working on me.

Whether she is a MLC or just plain WAW does not matter at this point. Opening my eyes and my heart, while having absolutely NO expectations matters the most. I am on my way to GAL. I no longer fear what W will do to me.

Thanks for the support and imput! It has been invaluable!

[seeking answers]

I hear you and I'm the same way. I agree with all you've said.

I hope you'll be hanging around. We all gain knowledge, understanding, and support from each other.

[sleeper]

...if getting back together with W down the line she may have an STD???

IMHO, You're thinking way ahead of events and yourself and attempting to predict the outcome. (we all did/do)

My X said she would never marry again

She chose a thrill-seeking OM (pilot,skydiver,motor cycle rider, no children) freshly D'd who also said would never marry again

He did give her an STD

They are now married

Let her go as if she'll never return (you obviously haven't). Take care of you and your child.