I read your first post, and it did not seem at all incoherent. Unfortunately, it was very painful for me to read. The behaviors sounded a lot like my own over the years. Believe me, I understand what H means when he says he feels like an idiot looking back over his behavior. We could be co-writers of that book.
I will tell you the similarities, and share with you what was going on with me. It might be the same underlying thoughts...try them on, and see if they "fit" what you see in H.
Although I have not tried to get out of our marriage at any time (the loss of my M is one of my greatest fears), I was involved in that kind of behavior with countless girlfriends before - including my wife, almost to the night before I proposed. I would confess love for them, talk about marriage, then flip-flop and say I couldn't marry. I constantly questioned if marriage was the right thing for me, if this was the right person, if I would regret the decision which, once made, would be irreversible (hey, even if you are OK with D, it doesn't make everything the same as it was). Honestly, I was terrified of being wrong. I was afraid that if marriage were wrong for me, or if this were the wrong person, I would be missing out on what my life "should" be, our marriage would be doomed to misery, and everything would be wrong. I don't know if I believed that the "right" decision was supposed to always be blissful, or if that decision was supposed to come and whack me over the head with a 2x4 and say, "Hey, I'm the right decision." I'm not actually sure what I believed, but I wanted absolute assurance that there wasn't a better decision for me. It wasn't until years later that I learned (the hard way - the only way, it seems sometimes, that I learn anything) that the only way to make a "right" decision is to MAKE a decision and stick with it, no matter what comes! Commitment and perseverance are absolutely necessary to make any decision right - and if you decide to love, I believe they can make almost ANY decision right.
I also have been known to have a terrible temper. When W misunderstands me and I can't get her to understand what I really intended, when she is angry and I can't immediately smooth over the situation, when W is hurt and sees me in a negative light - I get panicky. I look for the solution, an answer that is going to fix everything, and when nothing works, I feel hopeless. Then I feel angry - how can she be so unreasonable, to present me with a situation I have no hope of fixing (even though I am the only one who expects me to "fix" everything). Even with small disagreements, it always looks to me like our relationship is falling apart. I feel threatened. I lash out, expressing how hopeless our relationship feels. The difference with me is that D is not an option for me, so I get angry, feeling that there is no way out of the problem. If I were OK with D, I can easily see how I would have just seen a fight as the end of the road, and decided that the only way was "out."
I am very afraid of conflict. I imagine that sounds funny from someone who just told you he has a terrible temper, but it is true. I will often conceal my own hurts, preferences, needs, out of fear that conflict will ensue - because to me, conflict feels like impending abandonment. But, of course, keeping myself hidden, not "rocking the boat" really doesn't make our relationship any good, and when this stagnant relationship comes to the fore, I react. My feelings shout out, "I've been demanding nothing of you! I don't cause any problems! I completely stifle myself to prevent marital problems! What more do you want?" And then, you guessed it, my temper comes back into play. Kinda ironic for someone who is acting in fear of conflict. And getting all hotheaded at W is pretty ironic for someone who is afraid of being abandoned by her. So, fear of conflict leads me to withdraw, which leads to more conflict, which leads to more withdrawal, etc.
The one area where I have been perhaps too demanding is sexually. I am REALLY eager to please W in bed, because this is an area that I hope can be pleasurable for both of us. It makes me feel loved and accepted in a very profound way, and I want it to be as rewarding for her. Unfortunately, in light of my withdrawal as described above, it leaves W feeling like sex is all I want from her. Actually, it is the only thing I am not afraid of.
(Of course, I am working on all these issues in IC)
I am afraid this is not working as well as I had hoped. Your description of your husband's behavior really resonated with me, and I thought he might have some of the same issues as I do. But I am afraid I have not worded what I feel too effectively. I hope, perhaps it can lend some insight.
As for the list, my vote is that you should definitely make it out - it would provide some reassurance that you are taking H seriously, and reinforcement for his efforts at growing himself. And i agree with Kaffe (very smart guy) to word it in such a way as to avoid giving him the impression that they are accusations. "I" statements are a good start, but if he is anything like me, he may still need some reassurances that he is loved and accepted, and that the list includes things intended to help you become closer (again, if he is anything like me, telling him you want to be closer to him will strike home).
So, maybe I am just projecting my own feelings on him, but I hope, at any rate, my thoughts help somewhat.
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
