how is your obsessive negative behavior going? I mean, are you getting help?
do you see the role your own behavior played? The comment she made about wanting to have an affair if the sex life didn't improve...
have you learned anything about that? You might want to read "The Sensuous Man" or any number of books out there about sex and how to make it better.
There's no shame in it. The shame lies in getting your own cookies and leaving her wanting...
Ignoring her very very telling comment was NOT a good idea, as I'm sure you know. But what have you DONE about that issue? It's a biggie.
And while OM is certainly an obstacle to healing the m,
can you also see that YOU MUST SHOW your w that
marriage to you today, & from this day forward,
would be better than before?
How are you showing her that?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Good stuff to think about, 25. I've had many of the same thoughts myself: it seems like I'm slowly reversing the momentum, but what about making genuine changes? I feel like I'm slowly working them in, including:
--relying on myself more --not allowing my emotions to get the best of me and/or wallowing in them --being kind to her when she accuses me of things rather than getting defensive. Defensiveness was one of my go-to behaviors in any number of our arguments. --being more confident about myself and my abilities
I still really need to work on being more in the present, being more in tune with other people's needs, and realizing that meeting my own needs is not the only goal. Also, I want to let my wife go for now in my mind. I feel like I'm focusing more on how much I want her back in my life as opposed to how I really want to use this time changing myself.
Good stuff to think about, 25. I've had many of the same thoughts myself: it seems like I'm slowly reversing the momentum, but what about making genuine changes? I feel like I'm slowly working them in, including:
--relying on myself more --not allowing my emotions to get the best of me and/or wallowing in them --being kind to her when she accuses me of things rather than getting defensive. Defensiveness was one of my go-to behaviors in any number of our arguments. --being more confident about myself and my abilities
I still really need to work on being more in the present, being more in tune with other people's needs, and realizing that meeting my own needs is not the only goal. Also, I want to let my wife go for now in my mind. I feel like I'm focusing more on how much I want her back in my life as opposed to how I really want to use this time changing myself.
Yes that is probably accurate. And Those "changes" sound really good.
But what SPECIFIC CHANGES have YOU made?
What are your 180s? (You read the DB books so you know what I mean when I say "180", right?)
Why would your wife believe that TODAY marriage to you
would be different or better than before?
THIS IS KEY...and
it will help you in ANY future r with a woman, preferably your w.
Long distance marriages require MORE work, not less.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I guess I thought that the stuff I listed were 180s. I guess I could try being more specific. They do seem rather vague.
--When we were together, I took care of the grunt work while my W handled things like bills and finances. Many times, I would rely on my W to solve problems for me in this area rather figure out how to do it myself. Since reading DR, I pledged to not rely on her one bit if I could avoid it. I filled out the sep. paperwork and scheduled all of the court stuff myself. --No begging, whining, crying, reasoning, etc. This is a biggie for me. I did this a lot in our R, even at times that were nowhere near as dire as this. The distance thing and not contacting her is big, too. In our R, I quickly made myself out to be the emotionally needy, dependent one. I've been stepping away from that role. --Being upbeat and sounding strong when I speak to her. I just know that she expects me to be a puddle on the floor these days and finds it odd when I don't sound as though I'm about to break down crying.
That's better, I think. Was that more where I should be headed? I appreciate the advice. It's the only way I'll stay on my toes and stay focused.
Whatever negatives she had about you, that were valid, are things you must now contrast with positives...
If she said you were too shy, you need to open up. Make sure she knows her old negative data about you isn't valid anymore... like with the bills.
Now you need to be paying them on time and maybe reading about investing or personal finance (good to know this stuff anyhow and it's stressful being the one to pay all the bills...very very stressful and burdensome). That's a good change.
What about the physical aspects of your sex life? Have you worked on or talked about her unmet needs?
If you're embarassed to say what you are doing, that's fine, but
DO something in that arena
b/c she out & out told you two things: your sex life
1) had to improve; and
2) it was VERY important to her--as in, a deal breaker. No one is born with this know how. It's learned.
You need to do some serious reading And or talking to a sex therapist. They exist for a reason.
Don't pooh pooh this. Its going to matter the rest of your life AND it'll change
the dynamic in all your future r's with women.
It's going to help your confidence too.
How about your GAL things?
What activities are you now participating in that helps you Not obsess about your w
and to be happier when she's not around anyhow?
Hope at least one of the GAL includes meeting new people.
Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Sorry to but in but how do you show your partner you are improving your sex life when they have left. My partner left because of intimacy issues - i.e. mainly lack of sex (on average once a month). How the hell do I fix that!
H 34, W 36 T 13.5 M 8.5 C 6yo twins S 6/5/11 OW 7/6/11 OW moves in 9/18/11
She told me that what she didn't like about me (and subsequently likes about OM) is that I'm too "hesitant" or acts afraid to touch her in ways that might upset her. The thing is, my wife was also the victim of a sexual assault when she was a teenager, so that's the way that I had to treat her for years. I feel kind of upset on this one because she got really better in that area over the last year and didn't really work with me on it. She just told me to change and when I didn't, she took off. I'm not saying that I wasn't at fault -- I played my part. But I think she really could have worked together with me on the sex stuff and she just assumed that I was the only one who should have changed.
She told me that what she didn't like about me (and subsequently likes about OM) is that I'm too "hesitant" or acts afraid to touch her in ways that might upset her. This^^^ is important feedback. How often do you see her now? Can you flirt on the phone?
The thing is, my wife was also the victim of a sexual assault when she was a teenager, so that's the way that I had to treat her for years. I feel kind of upset on this one because she got really better in that area over the last year and didn't really work with me on it. Explain how "she really got better in that area" and then how "she didn't really work w/me on it".
She just told me to change and when I didn't, she took off. I'm not saying that I wasn't at fault -- I played my part. But I think she really could have worked together with me on the sex stuff and she just assumed that I was the only one who should have changed.
But what did YOU do?
That's my question.I know you felt trapped between a rock & a hard place but this is why professionals exist.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I will readily admit that I didn't do much about the problem -- just figured it would "work itself out." Sorry, there was a lot of frustration that came out of my last comment. The physical stuff with OM really upsets me and makes me feel angry. Given that men typically react to the physical stuff more, it's understandable. I tried exercising reguarly to make me feel better about myself in that area, but after a couple of weeks in, this whole thing happened. My W also admitted that we felt like we were "going through the motions," which I will agree with. I rarely tried to spice things up or do things differently. I'm planning on reading some literature about this subject -- might as well learn as much as possible.
As for "getting better," she simply worked on herself until it got to the point where her PTSD from the incident didn't upset her or make her not like sex anymore. She read a lot of sexy stories online to help herself out. When she got better, she simply told me that I should "work on my sexuality" because it seemed like I wasn't a sexual person at all. When I asked for ideas to make it less vague, she said, "I don't know, figure it out."
