Treading water - time and patience

[theoden]

NYCPeter,

Regarding changing yourself. It's a huge burden for all of us who faced "the bomb". It takes time for the crazed "save my marriage" behavior to wear off. It's like the sword of damocles hangs over all our actions. The fear of the marriage falling apart is really driving our behavior. Your spouse can smell the fear, anger and desperation in your words and actions. It's like your drowning and you are clinging to your wife for dear life. At the moment she feels like you are taking her down with you.


Right now, all you want is to save your marriage. I've been there. This laser-like focus the marriage makes it very difficult to do anything for yourself. The hard part about all this stuff is to not filter all your actions through what you perceive to be your spouse's responses.

I remember when I was in IC when my crisis started. My wife refused to go to counseling. I remember my therapisr telling me, "I'm trying to to treat you for depression and being a people-pleaser, but all we end up doing is having a marriage counseling session with your wife not present."

I was drowning and all I wanted was someone, anyone, to help me save my marriage.

Until you let go of that, and I admit, it's very hard, your efforts will be exhausting and often mispent.

There are some excellent books for men that help you to focus on YOU, rather than what your wife is doing.

This would fall under "Get a Life" activities.

[edited by dbmod: reference not recommended/not allowed]



The Way of the Superior Man by Deida. Much more philosophical, but it might get you thinking about your mission in life, your work and how you relate to your spouse.

All of these books assume you might be in a marriage.

There's no magic bullet that will save your marriage.

Save yourself, and the marriage has a shot.

Also you might try a little Zen and mindfulness in everyday life. In a crisis, we tend to re-hash the past and fear the future. There's little time to enjoy the present moment. Some activities/hobbies have been shown to force a certain mindfulness and concentration on the present. Things like painting, rock-climbing, martial-arts, sailing, etc. These hobbies are more than just distractions, they build character through discipline, they build you strong, calm, warrior center. They also require concentraion. You aren't thinking about your wife's phone issues when you are reaching for the next handhold on a rock face or, perhaps, blocking a punch in your karate class.

And the bonus is that a centered, brave, open-hearted warrior is much more attractive to your spouse and or anyone else for that matter.

But then if your doing it to get back your spouse, you won't reallt be doing it. ;-)

Theoden