I haven't been here much lately. Used to post a lot more.
Some quick observations, and from personal experience (mistakes):
1. There's a really good chance you can turn this around.
2. Other people have noted this. You are acting like a control freak. This is normal. Your in shock, perhaps experiencing the symptoms of trauma. Gotta try and stop this -- it's driving your wife away. You will have relapses, but you've really got to stop.
3. It sounds like you are a work-a-holic. This needs to change. Not working on the weekends is helpful.
4. Believe it or not, time is on your side. When my "bomb" hit in 2006, I had no idea hom much time I really had. This is a marathon not a sprint.
5. Marriage problems are really a wake up call for what needs adjustment in your life. You won't believe me, but this is really about saving yourself, not your marriage. I wish I had known that all my efforts to control my wife's behavior and pressure her should have been spent on finding myself and living with an open, courageous, heart. Are you happy with your life (marriage aside)? Are you pursuing your mission?
6. If you are happy, joyful, abundant, passionate and secure, you will more likely turn on your wife than being afraid, controlling, petty, whiny, accusing and judgemental. The hard part is living joyfully when you are in deep stress and trauma.
7. Regarding the counseling, stop playing the victim. For any counseling to work you BOTH need to think the counselor is good. If the counselor is good, then run with it. If you don't like this counselor, find someone you like. Look on the website www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com. I can recommend someone in NYC/Westchester if you want a referral.
8. DO NOT move out of your home. Do not willingly unseat yourself as husband and father.
9. Regarding her mother. Blood is thicker than water. Don't involve her. She will protect her "baby girl".
10. Right now, from your wife's perspective, living with you [censored]. Telling her how angry you are that SHE won't work on it isn't getting you anywhere. Become the kind of person she can be drawn to again. The trick is you CAN'T do this by micro-managing and interpreting your wife's behavior. You can't save the marriage by trying to save the marriage. You can save yourself, and then you have a shot at saving the marriage.
