Preseason has begun...just trying to make the cut

[MadeToSucceed]

My weekend assessment

I think I handled most things pretty well. I obviously have to control my impulses to snoop. In some ways I've rationalized it as me knowing what she is doing will help me pray more specifically for her. Not sure if that's really valid or if I'm just trying to find an excuse/reason to look. Need to try not to lay it on too thick when she responds positively. Don’t want to scare her off. I think this is largely because I feel like I know she is only here until next Tuesday, the 16th and then will be heading to Korea. I feel like it would be a major victory to get "keep her" from going to visit the OM but now I really don't know if she is trying to get recklessly involved with the ex from college since she's in the area and with me not being in the house, it's next to impossible to know what she is really doing. I don't know if what she experienced in church on Sunday is enough to cause her to rethink things with him or if she's just going to draw back into her shell. I need to find alternatives to saying “I’m sorry” or “I didn’t mean to/won’t bother you.” Those kinds of things. Makes me seem guilty of something and/or just unattractive.

As for the pros, I know she noticed my physique so that’s a plus. She seems to like the new me but is still pretty cautious. She speaks of being scared so I guess that could be taken in many ways but in some respects it says to me (or at least I want it to say) she is thinking about me a bit more. Our interaction is at a good level and she seems at least willing to entertain ideas about us doing something together. She’s at least talking about counseling and even says she’ll watch a video I have called “Choosing Wisely: Before You Divorce.” Yet I know OM is still in the picture and now an ex is too.

It’s weird because I really feel like she’s caught up in an internal spiritual and emotional war. She’s been trying to do things the past couple of weeks that are outside of the God's design for marriage and has been getting “cut down” a day or two later. Last Thursday she started trying to plan OM’s bday party. The very next day (Friday), she gets hurt in a race. This Friday she reaches out to her ex and they go back and forth late Friday/early Saturday. Sunday she goes to church and hears a sermon preaching right to her. Hours later she’s talking about being depressed and in a bad place and crying. Some call it karma. I call it God trying to get her attention.

Whether she listens and actually ACTS on what she hears and knows is right or not, I don’t know but I know she is at least thinking, even if briefly. She can only run for so long from this stuff. She’s running into more and more situations where she’s being forced to examine herself. I don’t think she’s entirely giving me lip service but at the same time I know she isn't being honest with me on plenty of stuff still either. I think she really is depressed to a point and confused. She’s putting on this front to the world and ultimately living a double life. That wears on a person. She knows she’s wrong and yet feels like she’s all in and cant turn back now. I don’t think it’s any easier on her that I’m still sticking around. That I haven’t just cursed her out and said lets finish this thing. I think that would make it “easier” on her. But she’s actually having to do some soul searching. I know she’s feeling it but it’s like she’s fighting it. She’s still trying to reject what she KNOWS is right.

So we’ll see. I don’t know what this week brings. I need to sit down and have a bills convo with her but I don’t want to really be overbearing so maybe I’ll wait to see if she contacts me during the day or something on Monday first.

Also I think I’ve decided I’m not going to pursue the adultery angle with my lawyer. I just don’t like how it feels. This really isn’t about the money for me and I honestly feel like at the end of the day, she’s going to have to deal with her actions before God. Me exposing it in a court, in my opinion, just adds more hurt and takes me farther from my ultimate goal. I know I can walk away from this knowing I remained true to her and never did anything that I KNEW would hurt her more, despite her actions. That, I can live with. I’d like to communicate that with her at some point. Maybe that will be in the letter that my DB coach and I are going to work on.

This week I have Bible Study on Wednesday, a Men’s conference at church Thurs-Sat and a few odds and ends to keep me busy. I really hope she takes me up on my offer of us spending some time together but we’ll see. From what she'd told her friend, her parents are coming to visit her Thurs-Sat afternoon and then she was maybe going to see OM after they leave Sat. If I can somehow get her to stay and spend that time with me before she goes back overseas that'd be great. Not sure what to do with the ex from college situation. I wish I could bring it up somehow but I don't know how to do that or what I would be able to accomplish in doing so.

I’m staying the course on this one. Just getting into preseason. Still a long way to go.