I was kind of wound up tight. Couldn’t sleep well and started replaying the days events in my head. Lots of good but then still PLENTY of uncertainty. OM definitely still in the picture so I got anxious and nosey and yep…fell into the trap and snooped. That’s 3 times in the past week now and I’m committed to not doing it any further. I think it happens anytime I feel like I’m getting positive vibes from her…I feel the need to check her out for motive. I know that’s not right and only hurts me so I’m going to peel back on that. So I snoop and I see she’s now reached out to a guy she dated before me in HS. We’ve had issues with him in the past and she recognized them and cut off all communication with him completely. They wouldn’t even speak in person. Well not anymore.
He told her they were too old not to speak in person. She said he’s right and gave him her # and said don’t be a stranger, we have too much history together and even sent him a "wink." He told her he wanted to see her and he wanted her biggest hug and smile. They texted back and forth from 10pm to 1am and then again from 7am right up until she and I met for breakfast on Saturday. I don't know the contents of those texts. When I read this in the wee hours of Sunday morning I was devastated. Not only was she still communicating with the main OM via text message but also one other NFL guy and now the ex from college. I didn’t sleep well at all and around 1:30am she messaged me saying in fact that she couldn’t sleep, was wide awake and now wasn’t sure about church. That she didn’t see sleep happening for her anytime soon.
I was sleep when she sent this but woke up at 3am to see it. I simply asked “not sure about church?” This caused me some more anxiety because my mind was racing at this point. The ex from college lives in our area I think so I was thinking she might be meeting up with him! She responded a few hours later saying she was up and getting ready for church and would see me there. I was so conflicted. I wanted to bring up what I saw to her but felt it best not to. I wanted to go back and check again to see if she’d been messaging her ex too but I decided against that as well.
We met at church and it was very interesting. Initially she wouldn’t sit close to me but I kind of got closer to her later on. She made it a point to initially try to keep some considerable space between us. When she tithed, she only wrote her name. Usually when we tithe we write both of our names.
Without getting too in depth, the pastor was preaching a sermon that I know was kind of throwing daggers at her. No kind of to it. Daggers, jabs, uppercuts, you name it. She was fidgeting quite a bit and I could just tell she knew that it was something she needed to hear. There were parts that spoke so directly to our situation to there was one point that the pastor literally said “There’s someone out there right now mad at your spouse and just won’t let go of all the past anger and hurt and because of that, God is knocking you off of what was in store for you because you’re hindering your won prayers by the way you treat your spouse.” His exact words. I could tell she was uncomfortable but I decided to take a leap and grab her hand while we prayed. I held it tight and she didn’t let go.
As we were walking out I asked if she was hungry and she said sure. I had to go to the restroom so she asked me to call her when I got to my truck. I called and she said she’d rather not eat out and just wanted to get some groceries and cook for herself at home. Can’t lie, I was a bit dejected but I just said “ok. Have a great day.”
About 10 minutes later she calls crying:
W: I just want you to know I don’t NOT want to go eat with you because of anything you did. You didn’t do anything.
Me: Ok.
She continues crying as she hangs up. Another 30-45 minutes go by and she texts me:
W: I’m so depressed all I can do is sleep. Have a great rest of your day H. I enjoyed church.
Me: You are probably tired from your travels. Take advantage of it.
She never responded. I sent that to her about noon. About 6pm I asked her if she was feeling better.
W: As can be expected. Just laying around.
I waited for a bit before responding.
Me: Well I was serious about yesterday. Can we go somewhere next weekend? Just me and you. No expectations, just us.
W: I don’t know.
Me: I was just hoping for a day or two with you uninterrupted before you go overseas again.
W: I’m just in a bad place. Its not your fault.
Me: I understand. Not trying to pressure you. I’m not in the best place either. Just wanted to share some time together honestly. That’s all.
W: I know. Let me think about it.
Me: Ok.
A hour or so went by and I told her I was about to start a book she’d wanted us to read a while back. She said she’d just got back in bed. Told her I wouldn’t bother her anymore and to get some rest. She said I wasn’t bothering her. While I was reading I told her the book was really good. She said that was good and that she was in and out of sleep. I said “sorry to disturb.” She responded not disturbed. We had some spiritual convo next. More me talking and her responding with very short acknowledgements…all via text. She finally says “I’m really happy for you. You’ve truly made a breakthrough.”
Me: You can too. I know you know that but there’s nothing to big for God.
W: I know.
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
