W: Oh. Are you gonna be busy in the next hour and a half?
Me: What’s up?
W: ? Maybe its not such a good idea.
At this point I just decided to call her. She basically just flat out ask me to go to breakfast with her. I told her I had a call scheduled to my counselor from 9 to 10am and then I’d be free. So after I finished talking through some things with my DB coach (my W doesn’t know it’s my DB coach…just a counselor), I sent her a message.
Me: Stomach still touching your back? (this is a way we’d always ask one another if we were hungry)
W: Yep.
Me: Meet at 11am? _Yes _No _Maybe
W: Let’s go.
We met up to eat and she gave me a tight hug when we saw each other. Said I looked really good and I told her she did too. She’s an athlete so her body is perfect. She was just wearing some workout shorts and a T-shirt because she had to go to rehab immediately after we ate. I couldn't help but be extremely attracted to her and really want to be intimate with her. It's been since March 13th and let's just say it is getting really rough but I also know that I can't look for that satisfaction elsewhere. She wore a hat though and pulled it down low so it was difficult for me to see her eyes.
We had a really "good" talk. Ranged from her track stuff to my school stuff. I made sure to tell her about things I was planning on doing, with or without her. I didn't state it that way but they were plans for MY future and I didn't talk about stuff that would involve "us." Even told her about looking at some job opportunities overseas.
We did have some convo about OM. She said he asked her if my W and I were talking. My W told him yes, that we started out as friends and will always be that and if he had a problem with that then she was sorry but that’s just how it is. She says she doesn't think he was really ok with that but rather didn't have much of a choice. I asked her what if he made you choose and she said nope. She wouldn’t choose him over me in that regard. Weird that she has already chosen him over me in many ways but whatever. I asked her what if I said the same to her and she hesitated. Basically said she’s not ready to go either way on that right now but could see herself getting there one day. She continued to take responsibility for things which shows she’s at least been thinking but there was no true R or M talk.
I did sneak in that I’ve divorced our old marriage already and never want to go back to it but rather a new one. That I’m going to be ok somehow and ideally I’d rather be ok with her. She said she understood. I asked her how does she not think about the fact that OM has 6 kids and 5 “baby mamas” and she said she tries not to but that she’s actually been introduced to a couple of the “baby mamas.” I just kind of told her how crazy I thought that all was. She kept saying she’s just confused because she figured he’d be long gone by now and she figured I would be too and yet we are both “staying.” I told her I can’t speak for OM but the reason I am so committed is because she’s my W and I have a charge from God to stick it out through thick and thin. I told her I don’t plan to just twiddle my thumbs, wait and/or condone her actions but that I said “for better or for worse” and if what she went through previously was “my worst,” thank you and that if this is “her worst” I’m going to ride it until the wheels fall off. I’d asked why she called me and she said she really doesn’t spend a lot of time with other people lately and that when she got back all she wanted to do was all the stuff we would always do together: movies, certain restaurants, jetskiing, etc.
I think I got around to asking if she was planning on going to see OM in his new city and she said I don’t know. I didn’t bring up that I already knew she had told someone she was. I said to her, “let’s go somewhere. Doesn’t have to be far. Just you and me for a day or two. No phones. Just us.” She responded with a sheepish smile and said “where?” I threw out an idea of a place I know she’s wanted to go and she just kind of lowered her head and said “I’m scared.”
I made sure I always looked her in her eyes and she would try to avoid my gaze or lower her hat. Tears welled up in her eyes several times in the convo but she tried to hide it. We talked about the counselor thing some more and she said she knows she needs to see one and that if I gave her a list of some she’d check one out if she had time. I just told her its one of those things she should make time for…for HER…not just us. Told her I’ve been able to recognize my own faults just through talking to someone that had a nonbiased ear.
She then turned to talking about kids. How bad she wants them and that if she wins the world championships she wants to have one in 2 years and if not, she wants to be pregnant this time next year (which was always in our plan). I joked about being the father or if she was just going to use me as a donor and we had some fun with that but I think we both knew we were dead serious in many regards. We both always said we wanted children together before 30. That was always the plan. She didn’t say she wanted to have kids with me…but then again…she didn’t say she didn’t this time around either. Previously she would say things like “I guess I won’t be having any children anytime soon.” After a while longer, we finally parted ways. I hugged her tight and kissed her on the cheek. Couldn’t help it but I even said ILY. She responded ILY too and was gone.
She was short through text messages later that night. I asked her if she’d come to church with me on Sunday and she said she would meet me there. This was a victory for me because in the past she’s ignored my attempts to get her to church and made excuses. This actually marks the first weekend she’s even been in our city since March 27th. Every other weekend she was either at a track meet, with OM or overseas (all of July).
I cracked a few jokes and even threw in some silly bedroom humor. She said I was crazy and I playfully asked her if she was interested in practicing our intimacy. Then it shifted a tad.
W: I’m a wreck.
Me: What’s wrong?
W: Just in general. A lot going on.
Me: Sorry about that. (I shouldn’t have apologized…I should have found better words I think than apology) Didn’t intend to overstep. Is there anything going on you haven’t told me about or want to discuss that doesn’t pertain to us? (was trying to make her feel safe and free from having to engage in conversation about us)
W: It’s ok. Just a lot on my mind and heart. I’m ok.
Me: I understand. Didn’t mean to pry. I’ll pray for you. See you in the morning. I hope you’re able to sleep.
W: It’s ok. Have a good night.
Me: (somebody find Starsky to beat me up…I had trouble resisting) Before I go to bed…I CHOOSE to love you no matter what, regardless. Has nothing to do with you being worthy or deserving (she mentioned at breakfast she doesn’t feel “worthy of my love right now”). No matter what. Good night.
W: Aww thanks. Smiley face and hugs.
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
