I've thought about that a lot and I don't think it is. I am very careful to cut out any and all pursuing and I think that with my new perspective I've been pretty successful at it.
Just after we separated she started bitching about how I never do the things she nags me to do. I do a lot but that was her perception. In my last thread I talked about fixing the shower and how wierd of a thing that was. She didn't even notice it was fixed until I told her much later. And then there was this thing about this tree she wanted removed. I guess in the past I didn't see the tree being removed as important but she did. So a couple weeks ago she's complaining about how I never do the things she asks and the tree is the example. She had tried to remove it herself but it grew back stronger and I guess that really frustrated her. So while she was gone I removed the tree and used a systemic on the roots.
There is something to this beyond my not doing things around the house (which is totally false anyway). It has something to do with her ideas on independence. This has been a theme for a long time. She often feels inadequate if she can't do man stuff herself. She hates the role of supporting woman in a man's world. Not sure how to explain that. But she feels the female role in some things derogatory. Never mind that I do all the cooking.
So she mutters something under her breath the other day about the car battery I left out on the sidewalk. She says something half under her breathe about it a few times when I finally raise my voice and tell her I simply forgot and what's the big deal. I never raise my voice at her.
Come to think about it this muttering under her breathe thing is completely new. She's never done that before. She has a sister, who's a little crazy, that does it all the time and it reminds me a lot of the SIL. I guess it's just a sign of her own recent insanity. Thinking about it coming from someone who is normally so sure of herself and never questions her own thoughts this is very telltale. She did a lot of it today.
So when she went to purchase the battery she asked how to replace a car battery. I was explaining it and then told if she'd like to just bring it back for me to do. Because of her normally being insulted by that sort of thing I fully expected her to say she'd do it herself. She didn't and she happily agreed to bring it back for me to do. So when she got here I did it quickly. Pursuing? well maybe, not sure. But I felt the being a good husband thing ultra important at the moment. Maybe I'm wrong but I don't think so.
So today we went to the beach together. I read up on the boards last night so I was pretty prepared. Knew what to do or at least what not to do.
She was late. I didn't say anything about it and good thing. Turns out she had a rough night with an upset stomach and didn't sleep much. Sounds like she rushed to get here. Had to pick up a nasty cup of road coffee for her because she said she rolled right out of bed without coffee and came. Yeah I know. Sounds like she was off with an OM but I know where she was so I doubt it. Although again it doesn't rule out being up late with some cyber affair.
So today was all over the place emotionally for her. She was very irritable but then later she'd try to be very nice and conversational. The whole day alternated between highly irritated, entertainoing conversation, and just plain silent. Round and round it went. I stayed stable and calm. I asked questions to start conversations. Sometimes it worked and she would talk for awhile and I would listen. Sometimes I got a one word answer.
Granted I know she was tired and we didn't eat til way to late so hungry. and she gets very irritable with either. but it was obviously much more than that. She was a lot like she used to be years ago and that's not a good thing.
There were many attempts at making nice on her part. Some conversations that were a bit fabricated. But it was effort.
So she dropped me off, said "So I guess I'll just see you tomorrow", came over and gave me a kiss and left. Muttered something about bringing the cat in on her way out.
I made sure I don't go to her for a kiss. I did that way to much in the past and it was a big pursuing mistake.
So was today a success? I don't know. I can't say we had a rip roaring good time. It was difficult. I can't say that she would be thrilled and drawn to more dates like that. But on the other hand I kept my cool even when she was complaining. I was accomodating but not in a suck up sort of way. I treated her like a friend and nothing more. Never tried to touch her or kiss her. I played with the dogs and had some fun swimming in the ocean (Even though we were probably on the beach only an hour or so).
So was it a db success? Well I don't know. Thoughts?
Most certainly there is deception going on at some level. A secret email address certainly says that.
There's a lot of computer time. So there's something going on there. But my feeling is that it may be a number of cyber based quasi EA's. More like she's searching for an EA. Maybe there is one but if so probably with someone who can't take it further than a few sneaked emails.
I did pick up a call the other day from a married guy friend of hers. He's in another state and they talk every couple of months. When I answered he said sorry wrong number even though he knows me. Little fishy. She does comment or like just about every one of his facebook posts. He has had a multitude of failed marriages.
She has always had a lot of guy friends. Even in our wedding she had bridesmen. It hasn't been until somewhat recently that she has had girlfriends. Which fits with her disdain for womanly things. I really wish she would own being a woman. She'd make a good one.
Oh and I am using all this energy for something for me. I've been training very hard every night. Have been dropping weight and getting in much better shape because of it. Feels pretty good and I swear I even caught her checking me out the other day. I'm working towards something pretty big in the next few months and I plan on perfection rather than just passing
I have to say that your beach date sounds more strained effort than anything... at least you made it through the day with nothing that seemed... damaging...
Just to point to a few things, that as Sandi2 will attest, a WAS in an A will generally be pleasant to be around when the A is going well and will be unpleasant when the A is going bad...
Not too sure that the beach date was a good thing or a bad thing, but again... you survived... interesting about the kiss... she may have simply felt "obligated" to show the affection...
So you two are living in different houses, correct?
How often do you see each other?
Is it possible that you have enough contact that she can notice the changes in you?
You mention weights, what else are you doing for 180s and Gal... sorry, not sure if you've mentioned them above or your other thread, but if you could restate them...
oh, as far as the deception and lies... if there's one or more EAs you can guarantee that they don't know about each other and she'll never admit them to you, even if you had proof...
at least, that's my experience...
As starsky would likely say...
Get proof or assume the worst...
Not sure if you want the gory details... But in all fairness, as time has gone on and as I find out things appear to be progressing in my W's A... it doesn't really... hurt... any more, when I hear about more stuff...
not too sure if I'm just detached more, or if I really love her but i'm not IN love with her anymore...
Just do what you can to be the best Huh that you can be and she will notice... my W notices some of my "changes" or positive behaviours... even though she isn't attracted to them... she too, is very detached... well, maybe just "cold" with a 10 ft thick wall... because she's still angry... I can feel it and see it in some of our convo
You're right, it's more like "rescuing" behavior than true "pursuing," but my point remains. You need to let her do these things for herself. As we like to say around here, it's time for her to "put on the BGPs." (Big-Girl Panties)
For me I guess I'm really trying to reconcile the "be the best husband I can be" ~KD and let her put on the BGP ~Starsky.
I think the solution is to help when asked and step aside when not. I am making a conscious effort to keep things up around the house here.
KD yes we live separately. But we're together most of the time. We run a small business together. We also have most of our meals together and for the most part act as a couple. Go to lunch together. Shopping together. Maybe a little less than before but not to much. On weekends sometimes she stays away sometimes not. Generally she leaves pretty late and comes in pretty early. Although lately she has been coming in later (She always asks if that ok strangely) which I attribute to her depression.
She kisses me when she shows up and she kisses me when she leaves. Sometimes she kisses me when she's just going out on a short errand.
Used to be I would kiss her several times throughout the day. I have stopped that. I would also kiss her several times when she was on her way out. I have stopped that. I let her kiss me but I do not approach nor position myself for a kiss any longer.
We've had a rough number of years financially as probably every small biz has. There were some extenuating circumstances that also put a great deal of pressure on us. It's been tough. So because of that I work a lot. I'm always on the computer. A 180 for me is to always take at least one day off a week. I'm trying to take it with her but we'll see how that goes.
My truck just blew a tranny so we're sharing a car. That leaved me without one most of the time. So getting out and GAL has it's limits. Mostly I go each night up to the baseball fields. Watch the end of the girls softball game and then do my workout once everyone is gone.
I'm training for my 4th degree black belt. In Oct we have a big event and I'm up for promotion. So each night I train very hard at the baseball fields. It's pretty late at night. I'm dropping weight because of the training. It's very important to myself and my wife that I really shine in the Oct event. So I'm making that happen by training very hard. It releases a lot of stress chemicals and I feel pretty good. I look forward to it each day.
So my GAL doesn't involve community in any way. I'm up there training alone. I'm not sure what to do more than that at this point.
I wrote in a post in Newcomers about the theory that life is filed with moments of:
growth -> | stability | -> decay
Where stability may actually be non-existent in the sense that if we are not growing, then in reality, we may be in decay...
Anyhow, the point being, right now things "appear" stable in your sitch, regardless of the newly discovered A...
IOW, there's been some change ups, different behaviours by both you AND your W, but otherwise "more of the same"...
Think about this for a bit... what's the goal, here? To be a man only a fool would leave... and with that, also to be more attractive to ANY woman... and possibly your W...
So...
What might be some things that you know your W doesn't like about you, that you have not addressed, and do a 180 on them...
Or what might you be able to choose as a GAL activity, that you may actually enjoy and keep doing, that your W might be interested in...
Because you are in one of those sitchs that many LBS would like to be in, where there's enough consistent contact with their WAS that our changes would be more quickly noticed, as opposed to maybe never noticed...
