Loving, Listening, and Letting Go..

[~ kd ~]

My feedback on your comment:

+ you validate (good)

+ with too many words (not so good)

Keep validating using less words when you communicate with her.

I'm not you, but my take on the "borrowed functioning" bit... in hindsight... how 'bout you spin it this way:

"It was great that when we met, she grounded herself and focused on her work. It's nice to think that she learned from my behaviours and I was able to provide her with that value."

It is said about sacrifice:

We are only martyrs if we and others believe it...

On her moving... this will be an "in the moment" thing.

If you think you can handle it, be there. If you think you can't, don't be there.

It's better to come from a place of pro-action than re-action...

[aeolianchaos]

On her moving... this will be an "in the moment" thing.

If you think you can handle it, be there. If you think you can't, don't be there.

It's better to come from a place of pro-action than re-action...

Well - I don't trust her (or her friends) to be here without me here.

I'd like to believe that I can somehow prepare myself for the experience proactively - visualization, affirmation, preloaded decision making, etc.. whatever it takes for me to be who I want to be in that circumstance.

I'm just not sure who that person would be. Not a wreck, I hope.

[ESN]

I know everyone is sick of my abraham hicks talk, but can you do a focus wheel on that thought about W using and walking on you?

However you frame it/phrase it in your head, to a focus wheel on it.

I like this guy's description: http://thearvindsingh.blogspot.com/2008/02/focus-wheel.html

So for me, I might say, BF doesn't like me.

But my focus wheel might say BF is often kind to me ... and then 12 supporting ideas (the other day he told me how nice I looked, last night, he brought me a glass of water).

CHANGE THAT VIBRATION, MAN!

Don't let it consume you.

And ... on the horizon. Do a bit of a rampage of appreciation.

So list all the things you appreciate about W.

And don't focus too much on the move. It is NOTHING. Seriously. She's moving boxes from one place to another. Means NOTHING.

Don't get all caught up in it. Don't give it too much thought.

(I know, easier said than done). But take good care of yourself (Do you even have to be there?) Do something really supportive of you that night - see a friend, and have a drink, and agree to talk about positive things.

But take care of yourself. Give yourself space. But try not to get all caught up. Try to stay with some good feeling in yourself.

[ESN]

Aeoli - what don't you trust? I don't think you need to be there. If you do, of course be there. But what could happen?

[ESN]

"It was great that when we met, she grounded herself and focused on her work. It's nice to think that she learned from my behaviours and I was able to provide her with that value."

Wow. This is the perfect focus-wheel statment.

My W walked all over me and used me to get ahead in her career (or whatever the belief is)

And then what KD said above. 12 supporting ideas? Got some?

[aeolianchaos]

Lila,

Reframing the idea of W using me - not a bad idea!

The move - it will be something when I don't have a bed to sleep on!! It's "her" bed. I don't want to 'die on that hill' as far as I'm concerned. I'll get a new one when I move.

As far as not trusting her -- this stems from the fact that she has been so deceitful all year. I know that she says many things about feeling guilty and wanting to be a better person. But there is a part of me that feels like this may all be lip service to facilitate getting what she wants and being divorced ASAP. I don't know. I'm not going to say "I don't trust you" because that is just going to force the issue.

The fact is, she moved out months ago, isn't on the lease.. so anything that happens to the place is on me. I'll feel better about it if I'm there to keep an eye on things.

[aeolianchaos]

I thought I would share this.. I was re-reading some of Passionate Marriage this evening and this section really stood out to me. Particularly the parallel nature of concepts from DBing.

This isn't verbatim, but an outline of the ideas Schnarch describes as 'constructing your own crucible' Basically the headings and one or two points of understanding. Obviously it will be different when you have a WAS who isn't actually there - but i think there is a way to apply them to those of us in the LBS state.

Look within your gridlocked issue or situation and extract your own unresolved developmental tasks.
- Approach your gridlock as a personal dilemma to be solved, rather than as a situation problem or your partner's problem.
- Focus on your own issues to identify ways in which you are contributing to your own unhappiness.

Confront yourself for the sake of your own integrity and personal development
-Holding on to yourself requires giving up your favorite ways to dodge self-confrontation. It also involves lots of self-soothing for what you see when you stop slip-sliding away.
-One key to holding onto yourself is to stop disproving that there is "something wrong with you" or claiming that you're good enough the way you are. The issue isn't whether you're good enough the way you are. It's a question of who you want to be.

If you're having difficulty identifying your own issues, look at both sides of your two-choice dilemma.
-When have you faced something similar before - and dodged it?
-Think about what your partner says about you and you vehemently dispute. Find ways that what your partner says is true.

Stop taking your partner's reaction personally
-Ask yourself "why am I taking my partner's reaction personally and getting defensive?"
--if you think you should take it personally, what is it that you've been doing (or not doing) that leads you to assume your partner's reaction has anything to do with you?
--If you aren't culpable, why are you taking your partner's reaction personally?

Don't count on your partner to confront himself/herself in return
-You can't move forward by agreeing to acknowledge your issues as long as your partner does likewise.

Forget about "working on your relationship" or the idea that "the relationship is the problem"
-When people say "I'm not getting what I want out of our relationship," often the real issue is that they are not getting what they want out of themselves in their marriage.
-When you work on yourself you're working on your marriage - because when you change, your relationship changes.

Stop focusing on what your partner is (or isn't) doing. Focus on yourself
-Some therapists suggest that examining one's part in an interpersonal conflict takes the pressure off the partner and demonstrates courage, fairness, and goodwill that the partner will hopefully emulate. I believe this small truth masks a bigger one: focusing on yourself increases the pressure on your partner to change.

Stop trying to change your partner. Pressuring your partner actually reduce the pressure on both of you for change.
-When you stop avoiding your own two-choice dilemmas, you'll also stop cajoling your partner in any particular direction. You'll simply want him to stand up and define himself too.
-If your partner thinks you're trying to drag him forward into your version of happiness and a better life, you make it safe for him to 'dig in his heels' and remain complacent or resistant.

For solutions, look in different directions from where you've looked in the past. Reconsider options you've previously rejected.
-Ask yourself 'what about me would have to change-or what would I have to accept or give up-for this to become a real option. Would I like myself more if I could do this?

Stop trying to make your partner listen, accept, and validate you. Listen to yourself.
- Insights are always true about the perceiver, but not necessarily about what's perceived.
- Ask yourself "What is it in me that predisposes me to see my partner this way?"

Keep your mouth shut about your partner's issues - particularly concerning things you're certain are true.
-Consider the wisdom of silence: don't let your partner fight with you instead of himself.
-Shift your efforts to being an expert on yourself.

Don't identify with your feelings
- The feelings we defend usually aren't the ones we want. If you want them to pass, stop making them an issue of your personal validity

Pay attention to your tone.
- Your emotional stance determines what you get out of the process.

Own your projections as an act of integrity.
- Openly acknowledging your projections, especially when your partner is ready to blame everything on you, requires a deep breath and a leap of faith - not faith he won't try to use it against you some time (he probably will) but faith that you will hold onto yourself when he does.
- Acknowledging your projections embodies tolerating pain for growth and maintaining a clear sense of yourself in close proximity to your partner.

Acting differentiated interferes with being differentiated.
- Well differentiated people don't worry about how they look or seek validation for being differentiated.
- Stop focusing on acting more differentiated (holier) than your spouse. Pay attention to who you are and who you want to be.

Let the best in you do the thinking and talking.
-There is a place within each of us that recognizes the truth when we are confronted with it.
-Let what's good in you, the part that can do something new, do the listening.
- Its hard admitting that our lives are full of error and self-deception. But this very admission, though painful, makes possible its opposite - a differentiated life, lived with integrity.

[ESN]

If you can get a copy of the recent issue of Shambhala Sun, and read "the stride of no stride" in the article about separating (I think it's called "Waking up Alone" -it's pretty good. The whole article is (page 48) - you can just pick it up and read it in the store - I don't know if it's free online. If I weren't so tired and ready to go to bed, I'd type some of it here.

[aeolianchaos]

Nothing especially exciting to add today.

Decided to pick up an extra yoga class this morning - good times. Sore.

Applied for a couple new jobs that popped up on my radar - need to try and get in touch with a guy at one I applied for a couple weeks ago. We are both alumni of the same undergrad.

Trying to be a little more outgoing around people. I'm going out of my way to do things that push my comfort zone and see if I can enjoy them. I figure I'll be whoever I am and see if trying new things doesn't open up some new possibilities for me in terms of GAL.

Briefly chatted online with W this evening. Mainly just a little small talk and I apologized for the thing on thursday that I mentioned earlier. She said thank you.

Planning to see a couple friends tomorrow evening - looking forward to it.

[aeolianchaos]

Ok. i know.. I'm mind reading.

W and I have been trading e-mails working out details of what she plans on taking this Friday.

She is being very cordial about it and seems to be attempting to be 'fair' as best she can.

She closed the e-mail w/ this:

I hope you're having a nice day. Call me, txt or email if you want to talk.

She has a track record of being coy and not speaking directly about what she wants - everything is very oblique. She also has not put anything like this in an e-mail since stuff got crazy back in may.

I have a feeling people are going to tell me "Don't read into it" So I'm going to do the 2nd best thing - not react to it and GAL this evening. Maybe tomorrow.

Yoga Instructor said something cool yesterday "Being in the present moment prepares us for future present moments"