What would be your suggestions CS? Should I just completely cut myself off from my group of friends? Stop going out?
As far as sharing my W, OM won. They ramped up their time together, so I went dark on her for 6 weeks and slowly have had a few interactions. I told her exactly why I went dark too. She says she understands, but it still made her angry.
Right now I feel like I'm playing a game I can't win.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
Should I just completely cut myself off from my group of friends? Stop going out?
No, not at all. I just suggest seperating things. From my experience, there are always sub groups within a group of friends. Some you are closer to than others. "True" friends and "buddies."
My advice, your "true" friends would completely understand wanting to seperate from W and OM, and you could schedule your own time together.
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OM won
He won? Is this how you really look at it?
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I told her exactly why I went dark too.
Why did you?
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but it still made her angry
Why do you think it made her angry?
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Right now I feel like I'm playing a game I can't win.
It is not a game.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
CS, I'll be honest that when I see you've responded, I get nervous I think you've made some very good points below, thanks! Realize that I'm a bright person, but I can also be very dense, so I don't always pick up on what you are trying to say... I think I did here.
Originally Posted By: Country_Song
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Should I just completely cut myself off from my group of friends? Stop going out?
No, not at all. I just suggest seperating things. From my experience, there are always sub groups within a group of friends. Some you are closer to than others. "True" friends and "buddies."
My advice, your "true" friends would completely understand wanting to seperate from W and OM, and you could schedule your own time together.
The interesting thing is, other than W and OM last night, the people that were out *are* the ones who schedule separate outings. Not always, but often enough that I can go a few weeks without running into W or OM. I do appreciate that about them.
I think in a way both W and I use this common Wednesday bar night to show that we're doing fine and will go where we want to whether the other is there or not. Yes, very mature of both of us. There are times when maybe 3 people show up, other times we've had 15 or more. So when we do have the large groups I get to talk to people I haven't seen in a while. It's a risk that sometimes pays off, sometimes not.
Originally Posted By: Country_Song
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OM won
He won? Is this how you really look at it?
Frustration. I really like J3B's quote "Today is not the day I give up." I need to remind myself of that when I feel like this. If anything, W lost
Originally Posted By: Country_Song
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I told her exactly why I went dark too.
Why did you?
To recenter and regroup myself. To save the good feelings and love I have for her and help me heal. It worked. I may have been a bit down last night and this morning, but it's *tons* better than I was even two months ago. I was very angry and was close to saying F it all and probably ruining *any* possibility of R.
Originally Posted By: Country_Song
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but it still made her angry
Why do you think it made her angry?
Not entirely sure, and I'm not entirely sure who or what she is angry with. Me, maybe. Herself, probably. The world, definitely.
W has been seeing an IC now for two years. She has a lot of deep-seated issues she has been dealing with; being adopted, having a baby at 18, not experiencing the young adulthood most of us do, her D being molested by her (SD's) F, and dealing with my depression and suicide attempt. And those are just the things she has told me about (or I experienced with her) through the years. Like I said, she's angry at the world.
As for anger towards me at going dark, I don't know. It may be frustration that she's not controlling the sitch, anger at herself for potentially losing me or who knows. Insights?
Originally Posted By: Country_Song
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Right now I feel like I'm playing a game I can't win.
It is not a game.
No, it's not. But that's how it feels from time to time.
You know, it *feels* a little bit like W is trying to open up a little to me in her own way. I don't know. I don't think, at this time, that I need to be dark for my own protection. That can always change.
So anyhow, a few short answers I could probably say much more, but after deleting a long post yesterday I think this is good for now!
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
CS, I'll be honest that when I see you've responded, I get nervous
Whoa, I am not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing
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to show that we're doing fine
And this is what I expected. Now this is only my VHO, but, I think you need to back off on "showing her" anything.
Just step back and think, with out her in the picture, who you are, and the kind of guy you are/want to be. Without showing her anything.
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As for anger towards me at going dark, I don't know. It may be frustration that she's not controlling the sitch, anger at herself for potentially losing me or who knows. Insights?
Well, it has been said here that anger is not the opposite of love. The opposite of love is indifference.
So anger is something. I am not saying it is necessarily a positive, but I also do not see it as a negative (as a result of going dark, obviously her being angry at you because you are just a dick, well that is something else).
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No, it's not. But that's how it feels from time to time.
The thing about games. They get tiring. They get boring. And they can wear you out.
Simply be the man.
The whole burden of the "game" goes away. Life becomes much simpler.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
If I were *truly* GAL, I'd have something better to do at 5:30am on the first day of a 3 day weekend. Like sleep
Heh, CS, I guess what I meant about the nervousness is that I *know* the 2x4 is coming, but I'm still going to flinch.
The word I was trying to think of yesterday when describing her anger is guilt. Don't know why I couldn't think of such a simple word or concept. I *think* there's a large measure of guilt involved in her anger, based on comments she's made both last year and before this whole sitch.
Had an IC appointment yesterday. He's met W a few times with me and thinks she's having a MLC. I know it doesn't change anything I need to do for myself. It helps me remember that she has a lot to work on herself and that it's not necessarily about me.
I have a good day planned with my boys. Volunteer training at the Humane Society after lunch and dinner with them and FIL at a burger/beer place I like. Have the boys again tomorrow, then they're off to grandparents for a week. Guess I have a couple of extra days of GAL to figure out. I think I'm up for it!
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
Twelve mile run today. This week's total running should be 27 miles, which is the longest week in my training schedule. I feel fine now, we'll see how I feel this time tomorrow.
For the past couple of days, I've had thoughts that it's time for me to move on. I think the convo about the New Orleans trip that W is organizing (and didn't include me on) was the tipping point. I get it that she doesn't want to be with me or do things with me. She hasn't for a long time now. I think the few crumbs I've gotten have given me hope that she would come out of her fog. Maybe she will, but there are things in my life, like companionship and physical intimacy, that I am not getting and don't see on the horizon.
My running course took me by W's house this morning. I never expected to see OM's car there at 7:30, but there it was. I was a little upset about that, but yet not. A little surprised but again not. I didn't really think she'd ever have him stay overnight and park where anyone driving by can see (W lives off a major road).
What I *don't* want to do is do anything on emotion. I don't think I am, but waiting another day or two can't hurt.
I told W a few days ago that I'd get her car insurance card to her Sunday. Right now, I'm leaning towards telling her that it would be best if she filed for D. I'm willing to file myself at this point.
I also know that there's no real rush, so I'm willing to just give her the cards, pickup a few more things from the house and go.
Of course, there are still parts of me that say to hang on. I'm thinking of switching my IC to one nearby that deals with R and D issues. Partly to help me in these transitions and partly on the *hope* that if there was any R with W, that she'd be able to help.
Like people say, you just kind of know when it's time to move on. I'm trying to figure out if this is any emotions talking or just my deep down realizations.
Wish me luck everyone!
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
You know my sitch well enough, LP. I'll support you in what ever you choose. I'll send you luck, even though I think you don't need it.
There's fence sitting, confusion, and cake eating...
And then, there's a time when it's quite obvious the WAS is truly nesting with the OP... when the only conflict appears to be that they don't know which wedding gifts they should take and which you can have...
The way I see it, I am proud to have participated with a group of people who are determined to bring down the D rate from whatever (50%) rate it is to something more reasonable (< 20%).
It does appear to me that your know where you are going and it does not appear you are operating out of emotion (much at all) any more.
Do what you feel you need to, when you feel you need to.
Well. Today was interesting. I need to remind myself it wasn't over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor
W asked for insurance cards earlier in the week and I said I'd get them to her Sunday. Sure, I could have just mailed them but I didn't. Plus, I wanted to get a few boxes from her basement. Traded some texts today and we agreed to meet at a bar two blocks from the house.
I pulled up and we weren't sure if the place was open, it was so empty. Showed W my new car, she liked it. I gave her the insurance card and we went in. Not quite empty, but close.
Ended up having two beers each. First beer was small talk. Second beer she brought up R. She point blank asked what we should do about us. Reiterated that I go back and forth, but that I think we should try to slowly work on things. We talked about a lot of things after that, validated each other and we were (or at least I was) pretty matter of fact about things. Told her I was looking for bigger place or storage area. She is looking for no responsibilities and to run away (MLC anyone?).
Thing she likes about OM is that there are no expectations and they'll do spontaneous things together. She also admitted she couldn't be with him long term, and that the spontaneity she originally liked is starting to get on her nerves. She likes that I am responsible, but I know myself (without mentioning it to her) that I need to loosen up sometimes. I'm really not too bad at that.
By the second beer, she had turned towards me so that our legs were grazing. She really went on for a while about my S14, but in a concerned way, about his emotional and social problems. W also mentioned her DD really likes me but thinks W and I are not compatible. I agreed that we weren't right now and that we have had issues through the R. W was vehement that when we first started our R that we were *totally* compatible.
W paid for our drinks and we left for her house. At our cars, she asked again what we should do about our sitch, almost like she wanted me to take charge or something. I casually asked if she wanted to try MC. Turns out that her IC gave her the name of a good MC, but when I went dark on W, she was SO upset and hate filled she tore up the paper. W said she would ask at her IC appointment tomorrow for the name again.
As we were getting ready to go, W asked how my thesis was coming along. I think she lost some respect for me when I put it off for a year. Told her the drama that one committee member is causing (could take up it's own post) ans she seemed pleased that I'm moving forward with it.
So to keep this from turning into a book, I got my boxes from the basement, W picked more veggies from the garden while I hung out with her and she gave me a big hug before I left. I'm glad I waited a day or three before suggesting D myself.
Probably a lot more that I could add, but I save that for the movie version of my life.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
I think you've made some very good points below, thanks! Realize that I'm a bright person, but I can also be very dense, so I don't always pick up on what you are trying to say... I think I did here.