BE CAREFUL DBING

[grr]

my dearest nine,

words fail

and i so wish they didn't right now, because i can't reach out with anything more than them


you are a wonderful, honorable, and lovely man and father

i know you will find the strength for your children, who need you so much right now


and no, this is not your fault....please don't let that eat away at you...

i wish there was something i could do

i am sending you all my good thoughts and prayers through cyberspace

and i hope you feel them

xo

[InAPickle]

9

I offered my mass today for your comfort and strength and repose of your W.

P.

[25yearsmlc]

9,

First, I send you all the positives...((( )))

Second, please reflect on what I'm about to say...

I don't think your w meant to die or she wouldn't have texted OM.

People who really want to die, don't warn/text others.

I think she simply miscalculated a few things, such as when OM would get the text, and how much she had to drink (which is probably why she miscalculated) versus how many pills, etc.

She reached out to OM b/c you were too far away to help so she sent it to him...NOT the act of someone who wants to die...imo) And you could not have gotten there in time. So she sent it to him.

My dear 9,
your desire to blame yourself is likely to hurt your sons more than you realize,

and does not stem from a place of health or love.

Down the road, I hope you see this.

But blaming yourself makes this about

what someone else could do to prevent a person from hurting themself.

How does that teach your sons personal responsibility or boundaries?

It teaches them about blame & having no boundaries. What if this was the accident I think it was? (And the evidence suggests...)

Why focus on how "she chose to leave us" and force your boys to question their own roles? (Which they will do if they see you doing that).

Don't let her illness color the view of the event.

At least reflect on what you see here.

Frankly, If any of us somehow thought you'd "blown it" with human error,

we'd tell you to forgive yourself and move on b/c we all make mistakes and can't know the future.

But no one thinks YOU blew it!

Why? B/C

You didn't leave her in anger or part with bitter words.

You even told her you have always loved her and she said it back to YOU.

Your parents have needs too, (as do your sons, as does your job, the world, bills need to be paid, etc) and she appeared to be making plans for a decent weekend.

As I said before, you could not be with her 24/7.

She changed her mind AFTER you left.

When your head clears some, ask if You really think nothing odd or dramatic would have happened if you had stayed?

No one can "know", but based on the recent past...some other "event" was coming.

Besides, No one would expect a MOTHER to do this. (What if your son had found her?)

But again, People who want to die don't text others to warn them.


I may be wrong, but what if I'm right? Think of your son's views...and

I believe in my heart of hearts this was a horrible accident. It happened to someone with an illness who self medicated for her pain with alcohol and

whose illness caused her to do dramatic "crisis inducing" acts, with tragic results.

Are you to blame for her illness? (Of course not).

Please make this about the illness and the deaths' accidental nature

rather than have your sons look to blame others, or you, or worse, themselves.

I think your 11 y/o son's reaction was probably healthy, given his loss.
I hope your 15 y/o will be able to confront his grief too.

I will keep praying for all of you.

As Truegrit says,

you'll have to find even more courage down deep.

But it is there. I know this.

Let the love you have for your sons & your w, and her love for you and them

be your guide now. Not blame or self reproach.

LOVE...LIGHT...

((( ! )))

[hangten]

9 focus on your Son.

[dbmod]

Oh nine--

My heart is breaking for you and your children. You play a part in the dance in your relationship, but you really didn't play a part in this. Alcohol and pills and drama, there are so many pieces and it is all just a terrible mess. But you really don't know what would have happened if you had stayed or if you had done other things...but maybe it would have been even worse then.

You are just human. Your wife was just human.


We are all here for you. We are not a substitute for those with expertise to help you, we are ancillary. I'm sure you know that.


Do you have a good support system around you? Are you involved with a local church? There are also services through the hospitals (social workers, etc) to help you and your children.


Again, I am so sorry.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Dear Nine,

I am so sorry for your and your dear children's loss.
I'm sorry your W saw this as the only way out.
Know it had very little to do with you.
Know that your wife's emotional pain was more about how she felt about her place in the world, her view of herself, and the inability to love herself and see a future without that great pain clouding her mind.
She just wanted her pain to stop at the point that she chose to act.

There was nothing you could have done to change her mind. Nothing.
Db'ing would not have accelerated it or slowed it.
You are not responsible for the choices others make. Do not own this, it is not yours to own.

You'll be in my prayers tonight Nine. I wish you peace of mind in this, all the support and help you need, and the knowledge that you did what was in your power to do.

[~ kd ~]

9, here's my personal story...

2 years ago, my grandfather committed suicide. He was 94 years old.

For no less than 10 years prior to that, he confessed his desire to end his life. His suffering. His suffering was physical pain.

For 10 years, I lived with this knowledge. When he was down, I was there for him. To remind him of what he had to live for. His grand children, his great grand children... maybe even his great-great-grand children... and the other things he loved to do, when he was feeling physically well...

He drove and took care of himself, right up until the day he took his life...

I had to morn his death for 10 years... I took it well, but still... it was sad...

During the last two years of his life, it was becoming more and more obvious he was "getting ready" to do it...

The day before he took his life, I had a strong suspicion he was "ready"...

And there was nothing I could do, to prevent it...

And he asked me that day, to come over the next day to take care of "some stuff"...

And this was not "odd" for him to ask... this was completely in character...

and I COULD have been there... with him... that night... to make sure he was alive the next day...

And in the end, the task he wanted me to do... was to go to his place and take the next steps to take care of his body...

And I did that... I called the appropriate authorities and answered the usual questions and thus, the last page of his legacy was written...

Could have, should have, etc... attempted suicide is rarely fatal. Sure... MAYBE your W miscalculated... maybe her text was a cry for help... or maybe... just maybe... she was ready to go...

You will go through the usual phases that survivors of suicide will go through. One of those phases is anger... Her act was selfish... HOW COULD SHE... and that is the pain she was in...

And... without a doubt... she did not want you or your sons... those she truly loved... to suffer... even though you will... I do not doubt that as long as you and your sons suffer, she would be sad...

This is the ultimate in understanding what forgiveness really means...

Forgive yourself... help your sons forgive themselves... and forgive your W...

You deserve it, your sons deserve it... SHE deserves it...

My heart and prayers remain with you and your sons...

[25yearsmlc]

9

I agree this is a challenge of forgiveness.

Since she is being comforted in the arms of a loving God,

you can be comforted by HIS love too...and she is forgiven by HIM, as are you--for ALL-.

I still believe she didn't want out of her life (at least not then & there), and

that's the only reason she would have texted OM telling him of her plan (ie she wanted to prevent her death),

but she did want out of her pain. We KNOW she was ill.

Regardless, ask the experts what's best for the boys to hear.

And know that we are here for you.

((( )))

[♪CS♪]

dbmod,

It might take some creativity.

It might not be possible at all.

But perhaps, just perhaps, we could find a way we would be able to send 9 our condolences.

Without sacrificing the anonymous nature of the board.

Of course. Only if 9 would want this. And I can't answer that.

9, I have been thinking of you all day.

Peace brother.

[25yearsmlc]

PS

9

are there any logistical or ritual issues we can help you with?

IDK what I'm exactly saying but

Maybe let your boys say something or write something...for her funeral?

Or a private letter to her that goes with her...

just tossing out ideas.


For example, We put notes/messages to our dad in his coffin with him,

and we tossed dirt into the grave with my mother going first.

Mom said "C'est fini" (she's French Canadian) and

it felt like a goodbye ritual that helped us conceptualize that he was truly gone. Or "finalize" it.

Somehow it helped me.

Again, I'm SOOO sorry 9.

((( )))