Well, I am officially letting go of the hope of reconciliation with my DH. As I write this, he is probably either waking up in bed with OW #4 or waking up on his new buddy's couch after a night of partying. We are on two very different pages.
The last time I wrote he was doing all the things that a spouse ready to R could do, counseling, talking, dating, power-shifting and he did all of these things consistently. Then, about 3 or 4 weeks ago, my gut instinct kicked in and told me that something was not right. The texting started to slow down to 1 or 2 a day. The phone calls stopped completely. And my few calls went unanswered and my texts went several hours without a response.
I've realized with him that he will vacillate from one extreme to the other emotionally very quickly, from being committed to R to needing his space overnight. And it's all normally precipitated by a new female interest or possibility. Since, I am essentially unable to consistently communicate with him from around Friday at 8pm until Sunday at 5pm, based on these last few weeks, I am inclined to think it's a new woman. He, of course will not admit anything - and never has. He has to be confronted with clear evidence or he will not admit anything and I am done snooping to find said evidence, so I doubt he will ever come clean about what's going on right now.
This will bring the total number of women that he has been physically intimate with to 4. The number that he has been emotionally intimate with is probably closer to 7. And the number that he's been superficially intimate with is probably near 11 or 12. This is, of course, those I know of and have had clear evidence of - except the one that I believe he's with now. This time, I'm going with my gut. It's been pretty spot on for the last decade and I've ignored it.
Anyway, I fully recognize and acknowledge that my DH is a serial cheater. This is not a lifestyle I am willing to live and not a burden I am willing to bear any longer. I've done my best - and there's really nothing else you can do but that, right?
I don't hate him. I really do love him and I always will. I know that in some ways he really did try to be a good husband, but for a myriad of reasons it hasn't panned out. I am just glad to have moved away from the place where I accepted the blame for his wandering eye and multiple dalliances. I'm really relieved to no longer be dieting my way down to an acceptable version of myself - if I change xyz about myself then I am deserving of love and fidelity. That was a destructive and miserable place to be and I am glad to be free from there.
I am very sad and have cried a bit. I still feel that gnawing emptiness that we all do, but it's okay. I have learned to be a lot more independent. I have learned and am learning to really love myself and trust my instincts. DH will likely never be completely out of my life. We own and operate a business together. I will have to figure out how to get some appropriate and healthy boundaries in place and sort out the whole moving past separation and on to divorce part of everything.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
