When is it good for 2Step to let down his boundary? I am not sure I follow?
I mean that the interactions with your W either make you uncomfortable (let her disturb your life) or they don't.
If they do then you either live your life that way until you realize you don't want that anymore (it doesn't serve your happiness) or you will continue to live with the pain you allow her to bring to your life.
Boundaries are there to help you live a happier life.
If she shows you some evidence that gives you some assurance that she might be willing to live life differently than what has been. A better life. A committed life.
Then I mean- your boundaries are up to you to let them down (engage her) or to keep them up.
Originally Posted By: 2step
When is it helpful to you on your journey to watch your W and wonder why? Wonder why what?
Why she is doing, thinking, or not doing, thinking ANYTHING.
I know you are journaling here when you write and I think it is good until it is time not to anymore...
I still see too much of "my X did this and that" 2.
If you came here and wrote 3 pages on how happy your life is and what you choose to put in it...
Well how much different would you feel?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
When is it good for 2Step to let down his boundary? I am not sure I follow?
I mean that the interactions with your W either make you uncomfortable (let her disturb your life) or they don't.
If they do then you either live your life that way until you realize you don't want that anymore (it doesn't serve your happiness) or you will continue to live with the pain you allow her to bring to your life. This is a good point gritter. I have given it some thought and I think I will tell her next time she calls that I am done with phone calls, text messages, and emails. The keep me from moving forward, they slow the progress. I am don't know how ready I am to take this step but I do know that the calls serve no purpose and I do not want to be her friend. I can't. It is for me too painful. I also know she lied to me about R with OM and has never come clean and as long as that is the case there is nothing to talk about. We will see....
Boundaries are there to help you live a happier life. yes but they can only be enforced when you are ready to. If not you lose credibility.
If she shows you some evidence that gives you some assurance that she might be willing to live life differently than what has been. A better life. A committed life. With me or on her own?
Then I mean- your boundaries are up to you to let them down (engage her) or to keep them up. I have to protect myself that is all I know. She still has the ability to hurt me and hurt me bad. I am fighting a funk right now I will tell you why at the bottom.
Originally Posted By: 2step
When is it helpful to you on your journey to watch your W and wonder why? Wonder why what?
Why she is doing, thinking, or not doing, thinking ANYTHING. I think as long as I wonder why, when, what she meant I am not healed. I am not ready. That is just my thought
I know you are journaling here when you write and I think it is good until it is time not to anymore... The fact that I do, well that is revealing in itself
I still see too much of "my X did this and that" 2.
If you came here and wrote 3 pages on how happy your life is and what you choose to put in it... Would anybody want to read that? lol
Well how much different would you feel?
Some of you might remember when I found out about her move to Tulsa I deleted her from my FB and since then I have not gone to see what she was doing. I still have access since my D and her are still friends.
Yesterday afternoon I took my D to NYC to spend the day and my SIL came along. She mentioned she saw a picture of X with OM and made some comments.
Lastnight I went on her FB, curiousty killed the cat, and I saw the picture. It was nothing to write home about.
It was X with OM and one of her friends and another guy sitting sharing a beer.
I know the pic was from back in June since the friend in the pic was somebody she worked with her in Jersey who went to visit her in June. So I knew the pic was a few months old but she was recently tagged.
Nothing else to see on her FB.
The picture put me in a foul mood and I felt yesterday like I haven't felt in a long time.
To know and to see are two very different things
While the pic itself was not explicit if you looked at it you would know that it is not two friends sharing a drink.
It is hard for me to describe but it left a sour taste in my mouth.
Since yesterday I have been feeling pretty low
This is part of the reason I have come to the conclusion that I would like to end all contact with her.
She has stuck to her guns about them just being friends and nothing has happened but to think otherwise is an insult on my intelligence.
I don't like lose ends in my head so I will address it when she calls and I would like some honesty.
I don't know if this sounds harsh or insensitive but..
YOU ARE DIVORCED!
You said the picture was from June. AFTER you were divorced.
And what is it? A picture of your X with OM and other friends. You can "tell" a lot from the photo, but like I said. What does it matter? It's not an A at this point.
The reason I say this is just because how I can envision your "calling her on it" will look.
You, her XH, is spying on her FB page and is now expecting/demanding answers about a photo he saw of his XW with friends.
What does this say? About you? About your life? Your progress?
I TOTALLY understand that it does hurt. I understand wanting answers. But is it worth it? To YOU? FROM her?
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
The way I read this you wish to end contact, go dark. We certainly know how to do that. No reasons for explanations. Just a simple I prefer not to have contact with you. Leave her to wonder why, to pursue.
Is it more than that? Are you allowing your hurt to determine a reaction? Are you looking to provoke a response? We’ve been at this only a little while now. I know it seems long, but consider some of the folk have been at this for years. We’ve been at this long enough to know a carefully considered calculated response is far more productive than a snap reaction.
You are taking the time to clear your head and center yourself. You have the time to check your gear and intent once more before stepping off. Take it to be calm and clear if/when you have contact.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
This is part of the reason I have come to the conclusion that I would like to end all contact with her.
What is the reason she is texting you or trying to communicate with you? i don't know gritter and that is what I am trying to ge to the bottom off.
Originally Posted By: JustStunned
The way I read this you wish to end contact, go dark. We certainly know how to do that. No reasons for explanations. Just a simple I prefer not to have contact with you. Leave her to wonder why, to pursue. See I am kind of fed up with games. One thing I will say about my X is that she never went dark on me, she always answered my phone calls and always called me. I don't really feel right just cutting her off without telling her.
Is it more than that? No I don't think so. There is no reason for contact, at least not how I view it. In my mind, she is stringing me along and I just want to say enough is enough.
Are you allowing your hurt to determine a reaction? Maybe,but the big difference is that now I am not setting boundaries I am not willing to enforce. That was something I learned very early on and for the most part I stuck with. I don't speak unless I enforce it. This is why even after I found out about her moving to Tulsa I did not react or make any rash decisions. I waited.
Are you looking to provoke a response? I pretty much know what the response will be so I am not worried about it too much. Time to grow up and take control.
We’ve been at this only a little while now. I know it seems long, but consider some of the folk have been at this for years. I have incredible respect for those people, unfortunately I am not that guy. I don't hold on for years. It is just not in me. If she would have never involved OM I could have waited for years but my line has been my line since day one. She knows that which is part of the reason she never came clean about it.
We’ve been at this long enough to know a carefully considered calculated response is far more productive than a snap reaction. Exactly why I did not address this tonight. Decided to wait a few days at the request of a close friend.........Denver
You are taking the time to clear your head and center yourself. You have the time to check your gear and intent once more before stepping off. Take it to be calm and clear if/when you have contact. I love it. That is right. I have checked equiptment, I have hooked up but when the jumpmaster says it is time to go, then it is time to go. There is always fear before you count to 4 but you still take that step. You know what I mean.
