Okay, im going to try this again. I typed a reply and it got erased somehow.\
Energy level down to fumes.
Thank you for the kind words everyone. 25 as always, insight great, country love you and 2step, nevr have offended me always there for me.
GRR, lp, all the bits kaffe etc. sorry if not mentioning names
Denver etc thanks
let me tell you about last contacts with wife
B4 i left, she was texting me every night and we were talking
She was telling me how out of sorts she was and she cuoldnt be with people. She was having dinner with us most nights and wanted friendship from me. i gave it to her but also made it clear i could not just be friends down the road. she always said too much pressure to think about anything else.
WHY couldnt i just be her friend . WHY
We planned so many trips in the future for rest of summer. in fact we were supposed to be at her uncles 70bd in Chapleau ontarion but she changed her mind. if there, she would still be alive today. i tried to convince her to still go but i didnt want to push her. So instead, i decide to go down south to visit my parents. We were also supposed to go to marineland with kids in niagara falls and then to thunder bay, her hometown and then.
i kept saying to her, lets plan things so we have something to look forward to.
B4 i left for southern ontario, so she could miss me a little and so i could clear my head and ride on my bike and so i could see my parents. i also told her i would take this opportunity to see what i really wanted .
she was supposed to come over b4 i left and night b4 she was supposed to go to a shower for a friend, told me she went.
i asked her how it was she said fine, i asked if she drank and she said no . i asked if she went to bar after to dance and she said of course not. i would never go to that bar again. Thats were om worked and where she met him etc/
then later that day, she told me she didnt go to the shower at all, could not muster the courage to go. she lied about going.\\i asked why and that she had to stop lying. She said she was sorry but couldnt go. i said then you should have called us as i wanted to spend time with the family b4 i left and maybe watch a movie the 4 of us.
i then told her oldest would get a movie for the three of them when i was gone and have some family time. She said she was consider going to the country fest which is in our little town this weekend. Big production, alan jackson and lesser acts.\\
i didnt want her going to that as there is alcohol involved but i didnt want to push her. also i thought she was going with youngest son. Turns out she was going to go with him on Sat and had plans with best friend and her daughter to go . She tried to call her best friend in town on several occasions but they just kept missing each other.\
So what does areshole nine do. he leaves to go out of town on his bike to unwind to think, to party a little and to see parents.
b4 i leave i see her at her place. She is looking beautiful as ever. i tell her so but i am always aware she doesnt take compliments well.
m: well im off to go down south, got little time to catch ferry
W; have a great trip, love to your parents
m: if i dont see you again, i want you to know that i always cared for you deeply. ( wanted to say more but dont want to push
W: why are you saying this
m: idk, kinda of a ritual for me when im on bike, just in case. u know bike survival rates if accident. just a thing i say to kids but not dramatic. just say to kids, i love you \
W: Well i always cared for you through all this
i offer my hand for a handshake cause i know she sometimes feels uncomfortable with hugs
W: is that all i get is a handshake.
M: wsnt sure what you wanted,
I give her a hug but i still have my helmet on as i am now running late for ferry. slight embrace. If i knew my god i would have squeezed her
i leave and contact her via text about me being on standby and for her to use the pool and be well.\
She texts back that she will and that she is going to country fest. i dont wnat her to go but dont want to push.
This is what i can piece together.
She went with girls that like to party, she was in beer garden so i assume she was drinking. Then went to that effing bar she said she would never go back to. must have tweaked feelings for om or something cause she called him at 3 a.m , tells him she is going to take pills, he works at 6 am and doesnt get text till 530, he calls ambulance, they get there and take her to hospital, work on her and cant revive her.
meanwhile, arsehole nine does Not text her like usual or she texts him . he wants to let her miss him. he partys and is actually awake checking his texts but none from her. 9 is actually hurt because no texts from her. While she is dying, nine is having drinks. WTF
i go to sleep, people are trying to find me. i get call from police on my cell. She tells me W has od, then i drop call.
i call hospital, get nurse, she knows me, knows wife well as she worked there. i ask if w is dead, she tells me to calm down. i say eff that, tell me is W dead. She wont tell me for what seems like eternity. She finally tells me. i throw phone and am inconsolable. Bawling like idkn what.
my best friend drives me back to ferry, goes on with me, we get special room.
i talk to oldest son and is really worrying me cause he is in denial and goes about day like nothing wrong. meanwhile, youngest son is still at friends, no one has told. i want to tell him.\ i go there, bring him outside. around back of house.\\
m: hey buddy, how are you\
S; good dad , good to see you
M; i have some horrible news
S; ok
M; its really bad so be ready
s hat is it
m: ur mom has had an accident
S. is it bad
M: yes really bad, your never going to see her again
sons eyes get as big as saucers as realization sets in.
M' Sweetie, ur mom is dead.
i cant explain how numb i went. he starting balling to the effect that i could not believe that sound was cominf from an 11 year old.\
S; i want my mommy, i want my mommy
Thats all i have for now. i know many of you have said its not my fault but in many ways it is. I should never have left her in her state. there is nothing anyone can say to change my mind. i have a huge part in this.
pete
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
Nine, So sorry to hear about your loss. I can't imagine what you are feeling and i'm at a loss for words. I have been following your story since I arrived here and I know you are a strong person and a great father. Your kids are going to need you to be strong now more than ever. You have lots of friends here who care about you and wish you the best.
Me 46 W 43 M 17 S 14 D 11 ILYB 9/2010 EA began July/August 2010 ? PA began Nov/Dec 2010 ? I began DB in Jan 2011 I filed 7/12/11 Kids and I moved out 7/30/11 I'm in it for the kids and me.
My heart aches for you, and for your kids. I too like to think I'm a "wordsmith," but the helpless truth is that at times like this NOTHING we can say to you can take away your pain, but we can offer comfort, and perspective, at a time when you need both.
As much as you are hurting right now, you've got to focus on your kids. They need you more than ever, and we have all seen enough strength and character from you over these months to know that YOU CAN DO IT.
I pray for folks on here often, and will put you at the top of the list. Please reach out to your family, and to God, at this tough time, and LET PEOPLE WHO OFFER help you -- take them up on it.
You're a good man, Nine, and your kids are blessed to have you in their lives. I know you cannot see it now, but this is NOT your fault, and you could not have controlled it. As men, who are natural "fixers," that is hard for us to understand and accept.
I have been sitting here for 30 minutes writing and than deleting, writing and than deleting...
I have no words to express... Just can't find them...
Take care of yourself, your family, her family...
Just so sorry for your loss...
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
My heart goes out to you and the kids. I can't imagine the pain of it all for you. YOu have to be even stronger now for them
Will be praying for you.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
9 So incredibly sorry for your loss. I don't have words of wisdom but will pass along something my sister to me. Pray. Pray hard. Pray every hour, every minute if necessary, for God to help you through this moment in your life. Some pain is just too hard to bear alone.
Pray for yourself, your children, your family.. and we will continue to do the same.
((9))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
