Way back when H left me I posted a thread on another forum I go to. It is a mums forum and lots of women posted to say there was another woman - that men just don't leave etc. Well we all know now that yes they were right - there was another woman. Anyway there were a few other woman that were further ahead in my journey and they were bitter as. They were nasty as to their H's - well surprise surprise I was reading that forum tonight and one of the ladies (her H left in March and has been living with the OW since) wants to come home to her! I can't believe it! She has been so nasty to him, and he wants to come home! Here I am being distant but friendly and worried my H would never be able to come home. This lady still has some issues to work out - he is still living with the OW but is going to start seeing a counsellor this week. It's nice to know that in this situation there are some good news stories.
H 34, W 36 T 13.5 M 8.5 C 6yo twins S 6/5/11 OW 7/6/11 OW moves in 9/18/11
I signed up to so many different email courses that I now get lots of emails a day regarding affairs, winning ex's back, how men think etc. I got one yesterday and it's about 80/20. It said that most people want as much of a good thing as they can get, yet your marriage can be subject to destruction because your spouse is looking outside the marriage to attempt to gain the 20% they feel is missing. It goes on to say it's rare to find a relationship that meets each spouses needs 100%, 100% of the time. It says cheaters risk losing the 80% to gain the 20% and then when they realise that it wasn't worth it a lot have lost the 80% IYKIM.
I think it's a good analogy. My h and I get on great. We are great parents, friends etc. I thought he was happy with our sex life, but apparently he wasn't and couldn't tell me. Hence 80% of our relationship is great - he wasn't happy with 20% and has now gone off to try and find that.
H 34, W 36 T 13.5 M 8.5 C 6yo twins S 6/5/11 OW 7/6/11 OW moves in 9/18/11
For me, I think that as long as H is in a relationship with OW, there's no point in me really worrying about him coming back or not. Right how he's in a "fog", and the part of his brain that thinks rationally is turned off.
I've decided that while he is of the mind he wants to end our marriage to pursue this other person (who lives 2500 miles away!), he is my business partner. He is not my friend, and I do not treat him as such. I communicate by email around things pertinent to our "business" (our S7), and the dividing of assets (he's rented a house a few blocks away).
When he is here to drop off/pick up S7, I am pleasant and cordial, but I don't engage in idle chit-chat. When he is here packing his things (a process I hope will be over next weekend), I remain pleasant and cordial, much like you would with someone who struck up a conversation with you in the grocery line. Again, though, once his business is done, I don't let him linger.
This helps me, because I need to not interact with him, for my own emotional help. It also allows him to see my pleasant side, without the benefit of any long-term exposure to my company or the emotional need it filled.
My theory (and this is a common one across these boards) is that by going "dim" (not totally 'dark', although will be darker once he's completely out), it allows him to look to OW for *all* his emotional needs. If/when she is unable to meet those needs, he may eventually realise that and start behaving differently.
If not, I'm still doing what's right for me, for my emotional health.
H: 39, Me: 37 SD: 18, S: 7 M: 9, T: 10 "I love you but am not in love with you" - 5/11 Discovered online affair - 7/11
Oh I am the same. If he emails I reply to only what needs to be - like this week he emailed me, asked if I'd heard from child support, asked about pickup times for the kids this weekend, and then asked how much car was after an accident last week. I replied very to the point, but didn't reply to the bit about my car - is none of his business.
Also while he is here I just say hi, tell him what he needs to know re the kids and then bye. I agree while he is pursuing the OW we have nothing to talk about, other then our kids and the house (which I won't even discuss yet anyway).
H 34, W 36 T 13.5 M 8.5 C 6yo twins S 6/5/11 OW 7/6/11 OW moves in 9/18/11
Yes I read that half of affairs end within 6 months. My friend from the other forum has shown this - 5 months in and it's ending. I keep telling myself it will be fine. I will be fine. If H doesn't return I will love again, I will be loved again - I will be happy again. If he doesn't realise what he's lost then he's a fool. The past week has been hard - crying nearly every day (which then my kids tell him and I don't want him knowing I'm sitting her at night crying over him). Now I need to go and do some shopping - I've lost so much weight nothing fits. He will be back with the kids in about 5 hours.
H 34, W 36 T 13.5 M 8.5 C 6yo twins S 6/5/11 OW 7/6/11 OW moves in 9/18/11
That's the important thing to remember - you will come to the end of this pain, and no matter what state things are in, you will be a better person - a person only a fool would leave.
H: 39, Me: 37 SD: 18, S: 7 M: 9, T: 10 "I love you but am not in love with you" - 5/11 Discovered online affair - 7/11
He always seems to know when I'm feeling good about myself to send me an email or text and get me down. Just been shopping and bought some new clothes and a tv to replace the one he took. On the way home and I get a text. Basically saying is 5pm ok to drop the kids home. He'll shower them. Also we put stuff in their hair this morning as they both had nits! We had already agreed that 5pm was ok! It's like last fortnight I agreed 9am was ok, but he still emailed me during the week to ask again (and we agreed on 5pm drop off then too). And the bloody nits - I'd only just got rid of them from last time they were at his place (suspect they caught them off her daughter) and I know they had none Friday night!
On another note I just set up my new tv! Connected it to the internet and everything! That's a big thing for someone who is married to an IT Professional who has done everything computer and electronics related for the last 14 years!
H 34, W 36 T 13.5 M 8.5 C 6yo twins S 6/5/11 OW 7/6/11 OW moves in 9/18/11
I hate the half hour after my kids get home. All I hear about is how many times H and OW kissed. How they are all a happy family, going out last night, meeting OW's mum and dad (new grandparents already). How OW has a cat (to which H is allergic to cats!), how they both (OW and her daughter) slept over at his place last night blah blah blah.
I'll be better tomorrow - another fortnight starts and I won't have to heart from him for at least a week and a half.
H 34, W 36 T 13.5 M 8.5 C 6yo twins S 6/5/11 OW 7/6/11 OW moves in 9/18/11
