You are a great man and a great father. This does not change that.
We are all here for you.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
Nine, I'm not really sure I'll convey what I'm trying to say correctly, but I have to try.
What everyone here has said about not blaming yourself is absolutely correct! Your dear wife may have had issues with things you've said or done, but they were her issues to deal with.
And why do I say that? Because slightly over a year ago I tried to take my life (and thankfully failed). Yes, I had anger and extreme sadness over my situation, but ultimately I swallowed my pills because I thought that it would be easier to deal with than going on with all the pain inside of me. Pain I had long before I ever met my W, pain I carried from childhood.
If your W was bipolar, she was at an elevated risk for suicide to begin with.
Just like they say about MLCs, it's not about you it's about them. Please, please, PLEASE make sure you take care of *yourself* and your kids.
My heart goes out to you, your family and everyone's lives that your W touched.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
Just b/c we can't "see" mental illness - the way we can see a tumor or an ultrasound can show one-
doesn't make this your fault.
You're no more responsible for this than if she'd gotten cancer.
(Please assure your sons of the same so they don't ever regret the "hard time" they gave her or any time they feel they let her down. They were "good enough" for her, but her illness was more serious than anyone realized.)
She was diagnosed with an illness and you could not cure her.
Her therapist could not cure her. Her doctor didn't cure her.
You could not be with her 24/7.
And No One Saw This Coming...we thought you were in "piecing" or about to be...
I believe in God, 9. Let HIM comfort you at this time. All
I can offer you is what I learned from a similar event in my past.
My best friend's 26 y/o son (her only child) struggled with a diagnosis similar to your w's.
The medications then (1997), made him sluggish. But NOT taking the meds made him do things that he deeply regretted... He asked "so THIS is my life forever?"
When the certainty & reality of his diagnosis, and the life long nature/consequences of it all hit him,
he turned to heroin,
and in a sudden move, he overdosed at home....
We asked if it was accidental or deliberate... (And did that matter?)
My friend saw it as the same,
for he was either self medicatig for his pain, or deliberately leaving her,
and the resulting loss certainly was the same for her.
Her guilt as the survivor of a suicide (which your sons may feel someday) was horrible (and to me, unfair/inaccurate).
But She did say at one point,
"Son was so torn up inside for so long, at least now he can rest."
Your beloved wife was a torn woman in great pain and turmoil. It was all she had known for some time.
There is no blame to hurl out or assign.
Do NOT LET ANYONE assume responsibility for this, or it'll turn & get hurtful fast. Kids need assurances now, more than ever. Pulling together would be good.
But what I really want to tell you is this: She loved you and your sons deeply, & she knew you all loved her.
She was in too much pain to see another way out. This was part of the illness.
Your loss is too vast for feeble words but please know that - She is at rest in the arms of a loving God. She is healed.
She would want YOU to heal, and
to love & strengthen your sons
(maybe in a way she feared she'd hinder).
I will keep praying for peace to enter your heart and your son's to KNOW she loved them, as I know she loved you.
And for whatever "sins" of commission or of omission, that truly are yours, know that you are forgiven.
And so is she. Her illness killed her. (God knows).
(((( ))))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm so very sorry. I can't imagine your pain right now. I can't imagine the pain your W must have been in. You didn't cause this, and I echo all of the sentiments by your fellow DBers. Taking space didn't cause this -- that is part of the normal ebb and flow of relationships. You have done your best to be there for her.
I'm so sorry you are left to pick up these pieces alone, to heal yourself and your children. You have a good heart, and you have built some skills, and you are the right person in the right place to take care of your children.
We care about you and we are still here to help you move forward to take care of yourself and your children.
there are many "suicide survivor" groups out there too. Probably one with a child's section. FIND ONE please. I KNOW there are books out there too.
Our neighbor's father took his life on Thanksgiving, 3 y/ago, after wife#3 left him (he was hard to live with & sank into a deep depression after she left,
kind of draining those around him and in some ways,
neighbor was very angry at his father, and in some ways saddened and hurt and in some ways, relieved...)
So neighbor and his children went to a group to figure out "why grandpa didn't want to stick around" and
neighbor told his kids, "too bad for grandpa, b/c grandpa wasn't well enough to see all the reasons I see to stick around--like for YOU GUYS - you rock my world", etc.
The kids will need to know YOU will always always be there for them. Always, no matter what. You are their rock and they will someday, be each other's rock.
THis is the time to show & tell them.
I ache for you. My h and family prayed for you tonight.
I hope your w's family is alright, and not making things worse. My guess is there will be blame and guilt, (the blaming probably will come from their guilt, or fears of their own inner darkness)
Just remember, they lack the tools you have. The very tools you'll pass on to your sons...and if you need to, try to forgive them, too.
They are in their own pain.
My family & I prayed for you and yours tonight.
Like so many, I am sending you all that I can send this way --hugs, prayers and positive light and love for a man whom I admire, like very much, and have never actually met. (And a man who makes me want to ride a motorcycle again!)
God Bless You & Yours.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Please be strong and focus on raising your boys to be the best men they can be.
M47 W45 D10 (Has CP) D7 M12 T14 ILYBINILWY 5/1/11 Asked for seperation 5/10/11 Seriously DBing 7/1/11 W admitted to 2 EA's on 11/3/11. Evidence of PA 11/5/11 - Definite evidence of PA 11/20/11 D - Final 7/11/12
