Loving, Listening, and Letting Go..

[aeolianchaos]

Alright.. so some more stuff.

Just to repost this part, because I really don't want it getting lost in the flurry of posts :
"At the time when we were discussing it, I got defensive and said "well I don't think my reaction last time was so harsh. And I was more upset that you were lying to me than about what that guy felt towards you."
In hindsight, i can see how my reaction - while not an excuse for her choices - was harsh. It was very reactive and certainly not representative of who I want to be as a spouse or as a person.
So.. do I acknowledge this? And Do I acknowledge that I was defensive the other day rather than understanding how she felt?"

I feel like there is an opportunity here to own up to something that I don't like about myself, and that she clearly has held on to.

Walking around the park today trying to get some exercise and clear my mind - I found myself returning to this idea that all of my sacrifices in support of my W played a role in her losing respect for me, despite the fact that those same sacrifices helped her achieve much of what she achieved.

I often wonder if there isn't some borrowed functioning going on here - when we met she was at risk of being told to take a hike by her main prof., and being with me played a huge role in her getting her act together - perhaps it was the motivation of wanting to see me, perhaps the motivation of seeing my 'intense' work habits. I don't know - but the point is, while her hard (very hard) work got her to the point she is, I made a lot of sacrifices along the way and always supported her efforts. I contributed a lot and the notion of her being so close to landing a solid gig while I feel like I am starting at square one just really gets me.. I have to work very hard not to fall into that trap. Those thoughts really start to consume me if I'm not careful. I start to feel angry and irritated about my place in the world and how I feel like I got used and walked on in her push to succeed.

I think this is a kind of attachment to an idea.. I'm sure she would view it differently. She probably doesn't see herself as someone who would just 'use' her husband and then discard him. I can't know what she sees it as, just that there is probably more than one way of looking at it.


So another issue on the horizon : She is going to be moving stuff out next Friday. I need to prepare for this, figure out how I want to react and respond to this experience. I don't know what to expect, but I suspect I might not like it so much!