I guess the friendship does come first...we've certainly never been lacking in that department, ironically. She still says I'm her best friend, and I certainly feel the same way. When we're together the conversation is still free and easy, and we talk about anything and everything under the sun. And it's been suggested to me by my FIL that if anything might carry us through this and help the marriage survive it will be that friendship... he finds it as baffling as I do that two people can still appear to be so close and yet be going through what we're going through...
Still, if I've noticed any change, it would seem to be suggestive of her moving away rather than toward. The night we went out, there ended up being a lot of hand-holding and touching and just being close to each other, but it seems like the rest of the time there has been a concerted effort on her part to decrease the sort of easy, natural physical closeness that we were continuing to have... It's like, she'll catch herself being close to me, particularly when we're in bed, and she'll realize she's holding on to me or leaning her head on my shoulder or something and then quickly move away. I don't say anything when it happens, just make a mental note of it...
As far as what else I can do... I think maintaining the 180's and GAL, being calm, cool, and confidant even when she brings up "what's happening"--basically, her seeing that I'm strong enough and self-assured enough to come off like no matter what happens, I'm going to not just survive but thrive, and perhaps most importantly, being open to the types of things and experiences that she tried to convince herself weren't important to her because of my reluctance to take part in them.
She has a birthday at the beginning of next month, and I told her that despite everything, I was still planning on doing something for her to celebrate, and that my idea was to have some of our friends over to the house on a Saturday night and then on Sunday take her to a show she's really been wanting to see. I could see the look of shock and utter disbelief on her face when I suggested the party, because that's something I've always tried to discourage...I'm a real "my home is my retreat from the world" kind of person and she's a real "my home should be open to everyone" type, and to avoid what she thought would be some type of conflict she's always deferred to me. So for me to open up in that way I could tell was a real surprise for her. But I've realized, this is her home too, and she has a right to feel like there's some give on my part when it comes to stuff like that. God...a huge part of our problem is that I always figured if she felt strongly about something, even if I was opposed to it, she would just tell me...because it seems like that's how she is with everyone except me. With everyone else she comes off as very strong-willed and outspoken, but for some reason with me she was always stuffing her true feelings...not saying what she really thought...like she felt that's what she was supposed to do to keep the peace in a relationship. And as a result, we never fought or argued or anything in 8 years of marriage. And here I am thinking at the time that it was because I was lucky enough to marry someone that agreed with me on just about everything...
Our conversation got cut off by the kids before she could really answer as to whether or not my birthday plans were something she'd be into, so I guess a sign that things might be moving in the right direction will be 1) she brings it up again herself before I have to in order to have enough time to plan everything, and 2) that she says "Yes".
H: 41 W: 35 M: 9 years T: 10 years S: 9 D: 7 ILYBINILWY & "I want a divorce": 6/22/2011 Piecing: 10/2011 Still going strong as of 4/2013
