She will suffer a loss when I tell her to leave this house. She will lose her home, her time with her kids, her ability to earn income. That the result of her affair.
Sandi... Is there a better way?
I'm asking for your guidance?
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
J1, do you really believe it is your role to punish your W?
Do you not see how much you are coming from a place of great anger?
Yes, you are hurt. We know it and your W knows it. How is acting on this anger in such a judgmental and punitive way help YOU? Except maybe make you feel good... in the moment?
"Wife, I have made a decision about my life. I've decided that I want to be happy, and I haven't been happy with you for a while now. I deserve to live with a woman who truly loves me, and wants to be with me. As you have clearly pointed out, you are not that woman. I suppose it will be an adjustment for the kids to having a new step-mother, but I've heard kids can be resilient. So, you can find another place ASAP, b/c as you pointed out, we need to move forward."
Johnnie, I am giving you a quote from one of DB's vets that is no longer around. Take it for what you think it's worth.
Quote:
"I can't live in the same house with my wife while she is actively pursuing an affair with another man, because now I don't want to be with you either, I've finally woken up to this idea. You should be with him, I want you to be with him. But I can't live with you anymore and since you started this process with the other man, you need to leave and a year or two won't cut it. You need to start looking for another place to live ASAP, I'll give you a month, maybe two at the most. I'll help you pack and move over as well. Also we will tell the kids that we are getting a divorce, and YOU not I will tell them that you are involved with another man because I will not be the bad guy in this situation, you will take responsibility for your actions and I have no issues about you feeling guilty, that is your cross to bear with them, not mine. I will be civil during this process but that is my decision, I can't go back to doing what I've been doing all this time, I can't believe I've been so stupid and foolish to allow this to continue for as long as it has. We will talk to the kids today after school (or Church)."
If you use this approach, be ready to enforce it. It's not a game or trick.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
"Wife, I have made a decision about my life. I've decided that I want to be happy, and I haven't been happy with you for a while now. I deserve to live with a woman who truly loves me, and wants to be with me. As you have clearly pointed out, you are not that woman. I suppose it will be an adjustment for the kids to having a new step-mother, but I've heard kids can be resilient. So, you can find another place ASAP, b/c as you pointed out, we need to move forward."
I <3 this.
Wait.
Is that gay?
TG.
Please no fish joke.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
J1, Just keep one thing in mind. There is only one path that matters here...
The path to YOUR and your children's happiness.
And Sandi2 is right, she most likely WILL NOT be ready to come back to you.
And if she is still in an A, you need to make her feel as though her options are few. Including the very real possibility that YOU will not wait for HER.
She needs to feel the walls closing in on her. She needs to really think.
And you need to genuinely GAL, and move on after your conversation. And NOT discuss it again.
You're kinda like me J1. You need closure fast. I wasn't willing to wait more than a month. You appear to be the same.
If you do discuss tomorrow, stay calm, cool and collected. Show little emotion if possible. Your confidence will probably make her panic.
Maybe not today... But eventually...
Good luck!
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
"What the hell are you talking to my parents about....."
I simply called there last night to see how they were doing and my MIL started asking me questions about our marriage. I deferred them to my wife, but my mother in law asked me if there was a third party involved, and I didn't deny it. She made her own conclusion and I didn't deny it.. I'm sure my MIL has been in touch with my W to express her disapproval.
How should I respond to my W email?
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
"I called there to tell them how sorry i was about our marriage after i read your email, and your mother asked me questions. I deferred them to you, but she made some inferences, and I didn't deny them. I did not tell her, she drew her own conclusions. Whether you chose to believe it or not, I love your parents too. They are a part of my life too."
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
Yes Kaffe, I am giving her 48 hours from her email from Friday to discuss. I'm sure she will bring up my phone call to her mother from Friday night tomorrow morning, as she is expecting the talk tomorrow as per my hand written letter from this morning.
Maybe I should just wait until tomorrow morning to address it when we talk. This emailing has to stop. It's time to rediscover the art of conversation and listening.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
"I called there to tell them how sorry i was about our marriage after i read your email, and your mother asked me questions. I deferred them to you, but she made some inferences, and I didn't deny them. I did not tell her, she drew her own conclusions. Whether you chose to believe it or not, I love your parents too. They are a part of my life too."
Please do not send this message back to your W.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
