Just discovered affair please help

[25yearsmlc]

Ouch for you....OUCH!!!

It has been over 3 weeks now since I fould my H's letter to OW etc and I am feeling so confused.


Totally natural for you to feel this way. You are still reeling.

He's the one who's had an EA/PA but is declaring overwhelming love for me and wants us to stay together -

That's GREAT...no matter what else happens this is good news. Would you prefer he profess that "she is the one" and that the marriage to you was a fraud? Be careful what you wish for.

No matter what happened between them, he is being clear and positive, at least with his words. That's more than many get around here...

I am the one deciding if I want to try or leave/throw him out - does that make me the WAS?????

It makes you the LBS with some leverage...use it wisely. Nothing punitive.

Be careful you find that fine line between pride and self respect, and the line between healthy boundary setting, and anger. Don't let anger dictate your actions.

Don't let anger/pride with a deeply wounded ego, run your life or your children's lives.

he is SAYING what he needs to say as far as wanting the m to work...that's a start.


I don't know what I should be doing or should he be doing it all - at the moment I am vascillating between not wanting to break up my family and throwing him out because I don't think I'll trust him again.

Yep...it's called being conflicted. Which makes the option #2 totally an honest one. you need time. What kind of a father is he?


I can't imagine wanting any kind of P relationship ever again because of the images in my head of him with OW - is this normal? Can it be overcome, I don't understand how.


Yes, and yes. Many marriages survive affairs. There are books out there that have helped many. One is called "After the Affair" but I haven't read it myself.

I just know that some claim it helped them move on. I definitely know people here and in my real life who survived affairs, & they did move on, eventually to be happy again.

BUT I also grew up with a neighbor wife who never let her husband (or the world) know that he'd failed her & their kids years earlier, with an affair, and she was one very bitter woman.

Don't become her. That's probably the worst choice. Every daughter of hers is screwy about men/marriage now, 25 years later.

Maybe Your marriage could end up becoming a legacy for your children and theirs, one of commitment and forgiveness and redemption...

He is being annoylingly nice and over the top to the extent of asking if my cups of tea he makes are OK and cooked a nice meal last night - doesn't he get it?? I don't want pampering I want truth and honesty!!

Do you truly NEED to know all the details? Think about that long & hard before you answer.

See, for ME, I think knowing he wants to work on the marriage is essential, and it will mean at some point

IF YOU ARE TO RECONCILE at least 2 things must happen:

YOU WILL HAVE TO LET GO OF WHATEVER DID HAPPEN...

AND

YOU AND HE

WILL HAVE TO KNOW YOU WON'T THROW THIS IN HIS FACE

OR HOLD IT OVER HIS HEAD THE REST OF YOUR LIVES...


So, what if you got honesty/fidelity from him, from this day forward?

Then your challenge would be to forgive...


I didn't see forgiveness growing up, but I learned how to do it

and it includes living in the present.

But for now, you are in a place where maybe you

can work on just being able to be around him without making yourself crazy.

Put a STOP SIGN in your head when thoughts of him and OW come into your head...

and figure out what else you'll need if you are ever to trust him again, and then

know that forgiveness IS possible, (it does NOT mean you condone whatever the hell did happen with him) and it's freeing for YOU

(even if you don't reconcile, letting go of what happened will help YOU not become consumed by the anger you feel...)

When I realized how my anger was making ME NOT Present for my kids...

and my anger was hurting ME & ruining MY LIFE & the kids, way more than h's which should not have mattered at all but I was so mad I wanted to know he was in pain too... and in hindsight that was simply my pride and anger hurting ME for longer....

so I began working on it. Took awhile.

I had to stop assessing his pain as a factor in my healing...as in "is HE suffering enough??" etc HIS reaction/happiness is NOT my index for how well I am doing. My happiness is up to me alone.

It's a process. But first, forgiving is a choice and then you have to make it again & again...(on a much smaller level though, we ALL have to do that).

I HIGHLY recommend calling a DB coach and getting a phone session.
They're not cheap, but neither is divorce.

Though I had a very good mc who was "solution based"

(not so much into our personal histories or their previous childhood issues like some therapists-----THAT stuff has a place, but this site and approach is about doing what helps NOW)

and it was the single most valuable thing for our m that I did.

Good luck, sorry you are here but it's the best place to be for a lousy reason...

Keep posting. It helps.

((HUGS))