J1, there are many vets on this board, far smarter than I...
It's all about what YOU can handle.
Me, I could NEVER allow my W to see another person and live with me. It's not in me. So the boundary I set was iron clad, and I was ready to follow through.
"So, if she's telling you she hasn't changed her feelings.....does it matter if she's continuing her A?"
You're Dam right it matters. At least to me.
As far as I'm concerned, she can 'do' her OM bare a$$ in the snow. But certainly not while my hard work supports her.
Those are not 'tough' words. It's truly how I feel...
J1, just keep in mind that each move you make WILL affect your life and M.
It's about YOU, your health and your life, not hers...
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
I know an A matters. I think it is probably harder for LBH's to deal with than most women. What I'm trying to tell Johnnie is that his wife is through with the M, regardless. He's using the affair as his platform when he plans to confront her with his big tough love announcement. I'm saying that if she is or if she isn't still having an A......she's done with him. He needs to have something other than her A, or he's going to be left standing in the dust.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks, sadbuthappy. I see where that could be taken the wrong way.
Johnnie, as I've told you before (and anyone who knows me on this board can tell you)I do not ever tell a LBH that he should stay with a WAW who is cheating. Please don't mistake what I meant by that quote. Of course it matters to you if she continues her A, but my point is that whether she is or not.......her mind is made up to leave. If no affair, then what will you tell her?
When you ask her if she's still in an A, I think you need to expect either way. She may not give you the answer, b/c she's knows that if she tells you the A is over.....she won't be able to get you off her back to R.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am trying to make a choice for me and my kids. I need to know the status of her A if it's still on, I want her out. For everyone's sake. She is very clear in her message. I also know that what she wrote in her note about her parents and their support is not entirely true. I called her mother last night. She at one point came strait out and asked me if a third person was involved. Did my W tell her parents the whole story... Obviously not. I have no doubt that her parents will get behind her, they are her parents, I would expect that. But I also know that they are not blind and can see that their daughters actions are not what they taught her either. There will be more said by my MIL I'm sure.
It is clear to me that I need to do something different. The status quo is not healthy for me. All I want is to set my boudaries. I need to have this stop affecting my health and my kids.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
Of course it matters to you if she continues her A, but my point is that whether she is or not.......her mind is made up to leave. If no affair, then what will you tell her?
When you ask her if she's still in an A, I think you need to expect either way. She may not give you the answer, b/c she's knows that if she tells you the A is over.....she won't be able to get you off her back to R.
I see your point. Her message is clear. The thing is, her dreams about her idealic life without me are not rooted in reality. She has no clue of the hardship we all will face as a result of HER decision. She needs to see that now. The bloom has to come off the rosebush.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
Sorry, but the little I know, and I know how hard I tried to reason, explain, guilt my H about A and leaving. It never, ever, mattered. He was going no matter what at whatever cost. They don't care about hardship right now. All they care about is themselves. Just imo. I would suggest you back off.
I completely understand why you feel you need to know if the A is still on. I understand how that affects your decision to stay or go.
Perhaps something to understand here is, you don't trust your W, yet you trust that she is going to give you a straight answer.
Does this make sense, to you?
If you really need to know if she is in an A, either become an extremely good PI, or hire one.
Or separate from her until she finally gives you the answers you are seeking...
But that is entirely up to you...
DO what you need to do, but you appear to be in a really bad spot right now and feel you need to do something... so do... something... that will get you out of that spot of feeling helpless...
I see your point. Her message is clear. The thing is, her dreams about her idealic life without me are not rooted in reality. She has no clue of the hardship we all will face as a result of HER decision. She needs to see that now. The bloom has to come off the rosebush.
Johnnie, listen to me. She is a WAW who may or may not be in an A.....but either way.....she's still a WW and is not going to hear your sermon with her heart. You are still doing the same thing you did when you first arrived.....you believe if you can just talk to her.....if you can just say the right thing....then it will bring her out of the fog.
The ONLY THING that will get a WW's attention is when she sufferes some type of loss due to her WAW decisions. So far, she hasn't lost squat!!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
