Everything else is not working. She is setting a bad example for our marriage for the kids. I cannot go on in limbo. She has only progressed closer to divorce, so what isnt working is going to be abandoned and we will try somthing different. I need to turn the tables on her and am prepared to let her go. clearly the status quo is not working.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
Right now she is taking advantage of me and the family. She is living in our house and living the social life of somone who does not have any respondsabilities or obligations. Until i hear differently from her, she is seeing him. She is not living in reality. Its time for that to stop, for everyones sake, Hers, Mine and the kids.
My plan for tomorrow morning is to:
AFFAIR: ask her outright if she is still seeing OM. as she has not discussed it with me since I discovered it 1 month ago.
If she says No, the affair is over, I am going to ask to see proof that it is. If she cant produce proof, then she will have to create an "Its over letter" for him and send it in front of me, or call him in front of me and end it. If she refuses to do that, It time for her to pack her bags and go.
If she says Yes. I will tell her that since she has decided to step outside our marriage, that is outside my boundries and it is time for her to leave, today.
If her affair is Over...
LIVING IN THE FAMILY HOME: I will ask her if she wants to continue living in the Family Home with me and the kids.
If she says yes, She will need to agree to Marriage Councelling and to curtail her soacial life to focus on our relationship.
If she says no, Then I will tell her that I will help her pack up some things and she can leave Today.
I also am going to aske her what has been stopping her from seeing a therapist to deal with her issues?
I am going to share some real statistics with her on how divorce affects children, Its time to set the record straight.
In short, it is time for me to take control and look out for me and the kids. Her lack of commitment to work on the marriage is also revealing in her blatent disregard for the welfare of the kids.
Its time to take her out of her Fantasy world and let her experience reality
Any suggestions?
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
Also I will make it clear to her that If she choses to leave the family, I will move forward with my life and the kids without her.
If she decides in the future that she has made a mistake and wants to come home, the door may be open but, she will have to prove her commitment by actions. She has a lot of mending to do with me and the kids and her too.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
The only thing I would say at this point J1, is...
I don't know what value you expect to get from punishing your W.
It is your path.
If you are hoping the your W will respect you and come to her senses... ???
Think about the people you truly respect... how do they behave? Why do you respect them? How do you think they would behave in your sitch? And if you will respect yourself for what you are about to do... then by all means, do it...
I don't think you will handle things as smoothe as that. Her email sounds like a woman who has no intention of staying with you or living in your house. If that's true, then are you going to fall apart, or will you pack her bags? It's easy to talk big on the board, but always be prepared for the unexpected.
Look at her email again. Remember when you pressed her about telling her parents? You were hoping that her parents would have a part in getting her to stay in the M. But look what happened instead:
Quote:
Just wanted to give you the heads up that I told my parents we're not great at all with us and that we will eventually split up. They are very supposritive just as yours probably are also with you which is great. Good to have a support system.
She has told them the M is breaking apart...and they are VERY SUPPORTIVE
Nothing has changed for my feelings about you or us.....I guess people change and grow and we did not do that together. Hope we BOTH get jobs soon so we can move on and both be happy soon! You know you are free to go and take the kids places or even go with your parents and sister to your family stuff..... its important to you and them. When we get stuff organized we can tell the kids....I feel no need to worry them till we really have to. Have a nice night with them! PS I think you work tomorrow AM so i may go to gym early and then take all 3 to Ls tennis lessons in the AM! L
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm not really a "say this" "do that" sort of guy.
I will warn you though. Right now you have a LOT of thoughts spinning through your head. All these things you want to say. Sounds like a lot of words to me.
Here are some thoughts to ponder.
If I had to place a wager, she will NOT chose the M right now. So be prepared for this if you really want to proceed.
Also, you have no legal way to force her out of the house. What if she refuses to leave? What will you do?
Your focusing a lot on words right now. This isn't about words.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
She has told them the M is breaking apart...and they are VERY SUPPORTIVE! Her parents are not pressing her to stay with you! Now, she feels free, and better than that...she feel really good with her decision to leave you b/c now, she has her parent's support (which to her, means approval).l
She is telling you good-bye. She has been "nice" or happy acting lately b/c she doesn't plan to live with you any longer. She has plans for a future without you. Look at this!
Quote:
Nothing has changed for my feelings about you or us.....I guess people change and grow and we did not do that together.
Quote:
You know you are free to go and take the kids places or even go with your parents and sister to your family stuff..... its important to you and them. When we get stuff organized we can tell the kids....I feel no need to worry them till we really have to. Have a nice night with them!
That's your "Dear John" letter.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So, if she's telling you she hasn't changed her feelings.....does it matter if she's continuing her A? I mean, it looks to me that she is calling the shots here, not you! You just thought you were taking back some kind of power or control (whatever word you used).
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
