New and Suffering

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

First, I feel for you. I've been through something similar before. I wish I could tell you that it will all work out. It won't if you aren't both engaged in the rebuilding process.

You did not say who went immediately from the revealing of the affair to seeking divorce. The implication is that it was her, but your statement is not definitive. The flight to divorce as an immediate response is not unusual because it is an "easy" way out of the embarassment and the broken trust. It is also a symptom of something else...a failure to meet expectations.

There is good news and bad news in the OM breaking this off. The good news is that he is not directly in the picture (though you said he is a coworker, so unless one or both are out of the the environment there may still be contact. If he's out of the picture because he does not want to be any part of whatever your wife is playing out then consider yourself lucky). The bad news is that he, from your description, ended this. Thus, it was your wife that was "rejected" even if that was caused by the discovery of this affair. That comes with its own set of problems for both of you.

You say your wife is back at the table and interested in saving the marriage. The implication from what how you wrote this was that you managed to talk her into it. In and of itself, this is not a bad thing because getting her to see that you care might be enough to keep her from being hellbent on a divorce. Ultimately, however, the choice to be back at the table must be hers and not a response to conditions because she feels she "should" (another expectation) or has limited choices.

And that brings me to "expectations." In one sense, her request is a sensible one because the expectations and failure to meet them will always be a sticking point and a source of disappointment. Most importantly, it is a conversation from your past (or hers) about how things used to be or how they should be. Intimacy is not created from your past (though your past might inform you) but rather is created in the present moment. That is a reason why recreating a scene or scenario from your past and having it occur and feel the same way it did in the past is usually a disappointment.

The irony is that in asking that you have no expectations of her, she has some of you (probably that you would accept this as a reason or excuse for that lack of commitment, intimacy and sex). You can either accept her request, turn it down or make her a different offer. While it may be a way to buy time and space, it can also be a way to hold you at arms length and (to continue) to deny you intimacy.

And that is what you've described. While your marriage may currently be sexless, what you described is a marriage that lacked intimacy at the sexual level, not one that is purely sex-starved. Once per week does not mean the marriage is sex-starved even if she was just going through the motions. It is intimacy starved. And while you may not believe that you can withstand a sexless marriage, you can if only for a while. It's a matter of whether and how long you are willing to accept that condition and your expectations of for yourself, your spouse and the way the marriage works.

Finally, about your anger...I understand. It is born out of unmet expectations AND fear of loss. For a little while you may have to hold your anger and more importantly find the words that convey your fear and your commitment to your marriage without being hurtful.

And yes it will feel like you are doing all the work and the heavy lifting. That may or may not be true. Just know that, too, is born out of expectation of equality in the marriage. Although love and intimacy may end up being a zero-sum occurrence where things eventually balance out, you must not be afraid that you are doing all the work. You have your own line in the sand and you may be afraid that you will reach and have to go past that just to stay married. Don't be untrue to yourself, just don't be rash and inflexible.

But do give of yourself without reservation, and without expectation of anything in return. Give 100%. Don't expect it to be a 50/50 proposition. It may naturally return to a sense of 50/50 or something like that. But quid pro quo in this situation usually turns out badly unless both of you are truly willing to follow that path.

If things crash and burn you want to know, for yourself, that you held nothing back and you gave it your all. It won't feel good to you that nothing you did made a difference or that your couldn't affect the outcome to turn things the way that you would have had it. But you will not be left with the "what if" sense of regret that you held something back leaving you to wonder if that might have made the difference.

And if things do work out, you will be able to look back and be glad and even surprised at what you could and did accomplish.

The Captain