Journaling.. Been trying to write in my physical journal, but seem to only have success here. Maybe its because I hope it my thoughts may help someone else, maybe it's to be held accountable, maybe it's to talk myself out or into something in regards to w. I'm sure it's all those things.
So I back home visiting my family. Its good to be away from w, d, and sitch. Especially since w said she would respond to an email and hasn't yet. Man that woman loves to push my buttons.
My family is far from perfect. Seeing my folks and my sister sick has been really difficult. I remember how easy it has been to run from the looming death. I also realized that although I am in alot of pain, there is much to be thankful for. I'm healthy and loved. Although there are no gaurantees about tomorrow, I currently wake up knowing that my body is ok and there is time.
Im finding this time to be priceless. I spend alot of time talking with my sister who also was married to an abusive spouse. It's interesting to see the similarities between our stories, its amazing how her words of wisdom gives me strength.
I think I'm realizing that I'm ready to move forward. I love my w and would have loved to make our m work.. But I also know that i only want that m.. With a person I haven't met. That isn't who she is or was. She couldn't be because she is an abuser. Am I rewriting history.. I'm sure a little bit. But I'm mad, and angry.. And hurt.. But I still do my best to not Hurt her. I don't take things out on her, and I surely don't dig at her for the things that are going right in her life.
Is she entitled to her feelings.. Absolutely. Was I perfect in my marriage..no. This isn't me saying that I am the better person. Only that I WANT to be treated better. I look around and see so much love from my friends and family and think " why do I want a woman who is treating me like Sh!t.". I don't anymore. The d will be fair and loving from my end. Her treating me mean, breaking her promises are just reminders of why I became fearful over the past 8 yrs..Because I knew deep down she would act exactly how she is now.
Watching my fears come true stinks but it gives me strength that i don't have to Be in this dynamic anymore. We will see how I feel tomorrow but currently I feel peace and hope for a better chapter.
Please excuse the typos. Typing on phones is never suave.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
