Loving, Listening, and Letting Go..

[♪CS♪]

OK, I have some time

A lot of it trying to deal w/ this issue of "am I really willing to completely terminate any relationship with my W once this divorce is finalized?"

Sorry, but a useless question. All of this. Doesn't exist NOW. Focus on what IS.

did I say it to get her to rethink things, of course I did.

I don't want this to happen. I really really don't want this to happen (like manyMOST/ALLof us on here..). She has been my one constant companion for a decade. We have 'grown up' together and it's always been my hope that we would create our life together. We never really got a chance to do so much of what we wanted to in our life. I don't want to admit to myself that she doesn't want that. She doesn't want it at all, according to her words and actions.

I KNOW how tough this is. REALLY. But add a word to all of this. NOW. She doesn't want this NOW.

So, when you look at what you want (now), and what she wants (now), you two are not on the same page. That just what is. Acceptance of this IS a BIG step.

She may well really not love me. She might not want much to do with me at all beyond soothing her own guilt. She may find my completely undesirable.

Mind reading. NOT helping.

It is hard for me to fully accept that

Accept what? Your mind reading, or what is?

But she says "I don't love you" - why shouldn't I take that at face value?

Accept that she said it. Nothing more.

Yet she talks about how she has so much doubt and worry. How she has called her IC up in tears crying. But to what end? Guilt over what she is 'doing' to me? Or because she misses me and feels terrible? Too terrible to come back? Confused? I really can't know and I can't help her with this.

And when I say things like 'i don't know why that would be hard for you.. this is what you want.' What am I really doing? Am I prompting her to question what she 'wants' more than what she is 'afraid of'? Or am I just pushing a button because I'm hurting?

I am guessing you know my answer based on my earlier post. I think you know the answer to this too.

I don't like it - letting my fears keep me from doing what I want to do.

i don't know why that would be hard for you.. this is what you want.

Hmmm....

I don't want to 'make' my W love me.

It's a lot more than not "want." You can't.

But you can get back to loving yourself. It is a lot more attractive than someone who doesn't.

Then, who knows?

Country Song asked me a poignant question yesterday: Do you attach yourself to these ideas?

He sounds cool.

I have been pondering that.. and my fear. And I think that I do identify with being a 'smart' person. And even though it feels like a safe place, I don't know if its always in my best interests to be a 'smart' person. I dont think there is anything wrong with being 'smart' but I suspect that it is getting in the way of me being using the rest of my 'intelligence.'

I also asked about defending those ideas.

I think it goes hand and hand.

If you do not attach yourself to them, what is the point to defend them?

I am NOT saying you do not state them, but after that, if someone disagrees?

OK.

They're just ideas....

Peace man.

I do truly like your style.

I think you will find peace.

One way or another.